People encounter trauma in their lives in various circumstances.  Nobodies’ story is the same and the very same tragedy affects everyone involved differently.  However, the fact is we put walls up to protect ourselves so it will "never happen to me again".  These coping mechanisms help us but also hurt us.  

The first traumatic experience I had in my life was at the age of five when a drunk driver went through a stop sign smashing into my dad’s car.  I was in the front seat with no seatbelt (not invented yet...yikes that speaks of my age) and nearly went through the windshield.  I hit the dashboard and woke up in hospital.  As a result of that accident I stuttered for several years.   My ability to ride in a car was fine until at the age of thirteen my oldest sister was killed in a head on collision.  As a result of that fear gripped me and I became a great backseat driver.  Not really!  I would clench becoming tense and was always putting my foot to the break even though I was not driving!  If Jim would go to pass a car I would be so filled with fear that my heart would race.

Trauma effects how a person reacts and how they respond to situations.  In the first instant my body was hurt with my mind responding in the situation by try to protect me and help me recover.  But that instance also opened a door to the spirit of fear to operate in my life.  Then, when my sister died, it was as if a stronghold took place.  The enemy had a doorway from the first incident but now had a platform to perform in my life.  My entire being was affected.

Trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.  Our entire being responds to a traumatic event and it can cause emotional shock and anxiety.  Depending on the nature of the trauma, the stress can lead to depression, fear and neurosis.


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So what do you do when you discern rejection in your child's life?  

1. Remember, this is the work of the Holy Spirit and he wants us to have life and that in abundance.  Your reliance is on him to set the captive free.  Ask him to come with His anointing and lead you as you pray.

2.  Depending on the child's age talk to them about the situation.  We sat with Becky at four years of age and Jim asked her if she remembered her birth.  She said “no” so Jim asked the Holy Spirit to come and reveal it to her.  The child does not have to understand the situation.  Their soul was wounded and their spirit bound and they feel the effects of that in their life.

3.  After an explanation, you as the parent need to take responsibility and ask the child to forgive you.  I asked Becky to forgive me for not being there, for hurting her, for rejecting her.  The response to this is “I forgive you”, which Becky said.  

4.  Invite the Holy Spirit to come right into that time in their life.  There is no time in God; He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  He will come into that experience and heal the pain.  Ask Him to and He will.

5.  Now use your authority in Christ and take authority over the spirits of rejection, fear of rejection, self-rejection and rebellion.  Bind them in the mighty name of Jesus and command then to go.  Loose your child's spirit to the freedom in Christ.  Please note, in no way does this have to be loud or scary.  Just use your normal tone of voice but mean what you say.  For us it was a precious sweet healing time.  

6.  Invite the Holy Spirit to fill every void and to fill your child with acceptance, love and the peace of God that passes all understanding.  Let his mercy and grace flow.

Jim prayed for Becky and I that day.  We had a super natural experience.  He prayed that we would bond and that love would fill us both.  I sat with Becky in my arms for two hours and we rocked in that chair together.  We cried and cried and cried as the love of God moved powerfully to do what only he can do.  It was amazing.

The thing that was most astonishing was the profound effect it had on her behaviour.  She was never the same.  Most people that know Becky can't believe there was ever an issue.  She was obedient, respectful and fun, a pleasure to be around (she still is!)  But that was a major milestone in our life.  You see what we learned was you can't discipline a demon.  We were trying to change Becky's behaviour by outward means but God works from the inside out.  That's called grace, His divine influence on our lives and it's outward expression. When you are free inside, your behaviour is different.  If your child is being harassed by a spiritual force, then you need to deal with it.  In the same way, when a child gets cranky because they are tired, you need to put them to bed, if their are reacting to something spiritually you need to pray and set them free.

Watch for rejection in your child's life.   We had many sessions praying with the kids forgiving friends, each other, teachers, employers, grandparents, themselves and us.  Children hurt one another on the playground.  They can feel ostracized from a group, like they are not good enough.  Be on top of how your children are feeling and don't be afraid to talk to them and pray with them.  In this way you will keep the enemy from getting a foothold in your child's life and you will train them to deal with these issues even when you are not there.


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At times as we look at life and the battles that come up the question arises “why or what is happening?”  It is simple really.  We are in a battle with the enemy of our souls for the destiny that is upon our families.  This battle, whether you realize it or not, is called spiritual warfare.  Paul says in Ephesians 6:11 that we are to take our stand against the devil’s schemes because our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against spiritual forces of evil.  In other words, your fight is not with your kids but with the enemy, who has plans to steal, kill and destroy your family.  

Jesus came with one purpose according to 1 John 3:8 and that was to destroy the work of the evil one.   Jesus completed that work on the cross and he defeated the enemy.  Sin, sickness and death are under the power of the cross, His blood and His resurrection.  Jesus is now seated in heavenly realms far above all principalities and powers.  He said to his disciples in Matthew 28:18 that all authority has been given to me.  He is our victory.  Consequently we are here on earth with His authority to bring His Kingdom on earth as it is in heaven.  The place this begins is in our families.  The enemy is out to destroy families.  You can see the devastation throughout society.

The big problem is our lack of recognition that we are in a battle for the very hearts of our children.  Without recognition there is no battle going on and the enemy is having a heyday in family life.  We need to fight the good fight of faith and war for the minds and hearts of our families.  It is a battle and it needs to be consistently waged just like every other area of parenting.  Consistency is key.  Paul says to Timothy in 1Timothy 1:18-19 to recall the prophecies made over him that he might fight the battle well.  Those prophecies spoke to Timothy's destiny and Paul was exhorting him to fight for them.  Why?  Because we have an enemy that wants to steal destiny from our hearts the same as he will from our children if he is unchecked!


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The other day I was speaking to young parents and in the midst of our conversation their two year old began some  " unacceptable 
behaviour ".  Their response was brilliant!  Instead of ignoring the behaviour the father picked the child up, took her to another room and dealt with the issue.  After they were finished, he brought the child back and the child said "sorry" to the mother and then to us.  Of course we gave the appropriate response of " I forgive you". 

Parents often find it difficult to deal with their children's behaviour when they are out or when others are watching.  I think the problem is perception.  I remember being in this situation many times.  The thing is, as parents, we have an expectation or a hope that our children will behave correctly.  However, from a child's point of view, what better time to test the boundaries then when you are out, have company over or when you are on the phone!  You are busy, engaged elsewhere and your main focus is not on them!  

The thing is, when a child is acting poorly, others are waiting for the parents to do something.  Oh, we would all love perfect children that were always obedient and never pushed the boundaries!  But the reality is children need training.  I applaud parents that will stop what they are doing regardless of who is around or where they are and take the time to deal with a child's inappropriate behaviour.  I know it is easier to sit drinking coffee ignoring a child's actions than deal with them.  But parenting is work.  That work will bring you rewards.  From my perspective, it is well worth the effort!
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Did you know that there is actually a place called Boring?  It's in Oregon, USA.  Go ahead, look it up.  However, boring is not a word I like at all coming from the lips of children.  The word boring implies feelings of listlessness and discontent.  It means your situation is dull and uninteresting and that is not a place I wanted my children to live.

If our children ever said the word "boring" I would inform them that if they didn't have something to do I had a bucket and a mop so they could clean the floors!  Funny thing I never had any takers on the mopping.  It is interesting how when a suggestion of something that truly is dull and uninteresting comes up the imagination kicks in and they find all kinds of interesting things to amuse them.

Far too often parents have to take their children to somewhere so the kids can enjoy themselves.   To a degree, parents destroy their children's imaginations by constantly feeling the pressure to amuse their kids.  I am not saying that it isn't important to play with your children because it is.  However, they also need to learn to discover, invent, create, imagine and read all on their own.

It is amazing how children in counties that have very little are content and happy.  They do not look the least bit bored.  In fact, give them a ball and they can play for hours.  When we were in South Africa, a few of the children had made a city out of the pieces of cardboard and things they had picked up that were laying around.  Genius!  How much more can our children do with all the abundance they have at their finger tips.

Bored is not a word to encourage.  Don't allow your children to be discontent and listless.  If that is the way they feel then it's time to unplug the computer and turn off the TV.  They have become spectators instead of participating in life.


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As I watched the Olympics unfolding I was struck by an interview with the taekwondo bronze medal winner Lutalo Muhammad.  He confessed that he was not all that happy about all the work that he had to put in to obtain his level of skill.  He said his father would say no to the requests to go out with his peers to party or to hang.  Instead he was at the gym working on his skill.  However, now that he had the opportunity to be in the Olympics and win a medal he was grateful to his parents for keeping him on track.

As a parent you won’t always be popular for making decisions that please your children.  That is not your place.  Loving your children will mean you make decisions for them and with them.  You are a guide and coach.  As your children grow up there will be times when you should ask them what do they think they should do.  Then there will be times when the decision is yours alone.  You may have to go against all the other voices that are coming at you because you know what is best for your child.

When you see a gift or a talent in your child, do what you can to encourage their development in that particular area.  It may not be something you would choose but it maybe in their destiny to be great at it.  For example, you may love opera music and your child may want to play the guitar.  You may prefer rugby but your child may like football.  Let them do what they show interest in, give them lessons, take them to practice, and be the encourager that they need.  When our children were young we gave them all music lessons.  One of our daughters couldn't go past a piano without playing.  She had desire and a God given talent.  She loved playing and she flowed in the gift.  The other daughter didn't enjoy it.  Eventually the piano teacher said, ‘you might as well burn the money you are paying me for all the good it is doing’.  This was not a problem to us, as we knew there would be something she would enjoy and flow in.

However, there are times when persistence is paramount.  This is the moment you step in and be the guide.  Some things in life are not always enjoyable but simply take work.  Their schooling is one.  There is always going to be homework and assignments to complete.  If they want something like this young man did, then you may have to step in and be the one that says,  ‘no, you may not go’.  There are times when your children need you to be the one they can blame so they can keep face with their peers.  Don't be afraid to say no and direct the paths of your children.  They are looking for it and eventually they will be grateful!
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I was having a conversation with a young mum the other day.  The discussion was all about whether young children understand when you are speaking to them or not.  From her point of view they certainly do and she has the proof in her child.   She has worked on the premise that her child does understand and because of that, has started the whole process of train from the beginning.

What she has deducted about children is true.  Just because a child can't yet speak the language does not mean that they don't comprehend.  Even an adult when learning a language can understand short verbal commands before responding verbally.  If you say to your young child, ‘no, don't touch!’ consistently while at the same time doing something that will reinforce what you are saying, your child will connect your language in their minds.  They do understand. 

I had this conversation with a friend once who was convinced her one year old didn't understand.  So, we did an experiment with her.  We put the child on one side of the room with her back to us.  Then I had her mother call her name and ask her to come to Mommy.  Surprise, surprise, the child acknowledged her name by turning to her mother, and responded to her invitation by crawling to her!  Children understand you early on.  The sooner you begin to recognise it and to say, ‘no don't touch!’ or call their name saying good girl/ boy the quicker you are going to see obedience in your children.  Your children do understand but they don't always respond in an appropriate manner.  It's not that they didn't hear you, or that they don't understand, for it is called self-will.

Children are born innocent and loving.  However, they do have a will and the notion that the world revolves around them.  We were at a wedding recently and sat near a family of three.  While we observed the children I noticed how complacent the baby was.  The parents were busy with the two older siblings and the baby sat very contentedly.  That child learned very early on that the world was not all about her. 

Children do understand and they understand early.  If you speak to them in clear short commands keeping your vocal tone matching what you are trying to communicate with a readiness to put action to your words, they will understand and respond while they are very young.  Yes, it is work for you but it is less work when they are young then when they are older.  Your children do understand you.  Don't be lulled into the thinking they are too little.
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I read this following quote the other day and it got me thinking.  "We talk so much about leaving a better planet to our kids that we forget about leaving better kids to the planet."

The whole issue behind leaving a better planet for our children is teaching them to respect it.  A simple example is garbage.  It never ceases to amaze me how much garbage there is on the ground, in the woods, in the rivers, on our city streets or on our highways.  I read a sign on the motorway that said, "take your garbage home". Something as simple as teaching your children to put their trash in the bin could save a planet from disaster.  Just imagine if everyone put his or her garbage in the trash bin!  I am always stunned at the amount of garbage that is left around after an event.  The bottom line issue is respect, or the lack of it! 

Respect means to show consideration for, avoiding intruding upon or to hold in honour and esteem.  This must begin in the home and the sooner the better.  When you hold someone in esteem or honour you place high value on him or her.  When you esteem a person it carries with it a warm approval and affection.

Just like teaching our children to care for the planet, we need to teach them to respect people.  They need to respect you, themselves and others.  So, how can we begin this process?

Children will always want your attention and I mean right now.  Have you ever asked why it is that every time you are on the phone that is exactly when they "need" you?  As soon as you start a conversation with someone they want your attention.  They may start calling you, tugging on your coat and probably getting louder while they are doing it.  This is a demand for your attention and it is rude, not something you want to cater to.  What can you do? 

If your child comes to you and you are engaged in a conversation don't respond.  What they are doing is intruding and they are not being considerate.  So if they continue, keep your eyes fixed on the other person.  You may even have to say to the other person to just keep talking to you.  Then say to the person "excuse me" and direct your attention to the child telling them you are speaking and will be with them shortly.  They will have to wait, and wait quietly.  Don't shout at them but be frank and to the point.

Go back to your conversation but wrap it up quickly when first addressing this issue with your child.  This is training.  If your child starts to call you again ignore them and do what was stated before.  Then get down to their eye level and discuss what interrupting means.  Teach them to say, "Excuse me", and to wait.  If they come again, just put your hand on them so they know you see them or hold a finger towards them but don't engage.  If you persist with the training, all you will eventually have to do is hold your finger up and they will know you are busy and that means wait.  What you are saying to the child without speaking is ‘no, not now I am busy’. It will take consistency and that means work but they will get it and believe me it is worth it! 

Children are not born with an inherent ability to show respect, they learn it!  Teach them to respect the environment but also teach them to respect you.  If you do, we will have better people for our planet! 
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Last week I was sitting in a coffee shop and a young couple came in sitting near me.  They immediately got out their mobile phones and were busy most of the time on them. 

So, what is the problem you ask?  Well, I don’t think that most of us realize there is a problem.  The problem strikes at the heart of relationship.

A mobile phone can be a tremendous blessing but also a curse.  It rings at any time, demanding our attention or dings to indicate a text or email.  It calls to our curiosity.  When we respond to it while in the midst of interacting with our family we become distracted.

I don’t know about you but when I am talking to someone who is busy on his or her phone or computer it makes me feel unimportant.  What I really want to do is stop talking.  Now, I understand that there are calls that you need to take.  However, if you are sitting with your children or having dinner and you are talking on the phone, you are sending them a very loud message.  It says to them that the business you are conducting or the other person is more important than them.

We never answered the phone for a couple of hours while we were having dinner together in the evening.  We wanted our children to get our undivided attention. 

There are more and more gadgets or distractions that allure us daily.    Between the landline, the laptop, the smart phone, the latest apps and all forms of social media including their games we need to make every effort to connect on a present and personal human level, giving family quality time. 

Why don’t you try turning it all off for even one hour a day and give you family your undivided attention?

In our society “discipline” is a dirty word.  It’s almost like parents are afraid to even say the word.  But discipline is not a word to be feared.  The word discipline means: “training – regular mental and moral training, to instruct by practise or use, to direct the growth of”.

At one of the first homes we owned we planted a young weeping willow tree.  The tree was planted but the problem was it drooped.  It was not yet strong enough to stand on its own so we had to “discipline” it.  We staked it on either side and hemmed it in so it could stand the wind and take root.  Then we watered it big time and prayed it would grow.

So it is with children.  They need to be directed, instructed, trained – disciplined in every area of life and they need to receive that from their parents.  The problem arises when we see discipline in the negative light that equates to punishment only.

There are times when a child’s actions will call for corrective measures.  These are consequences and children need to learn early that their actions have consequences.  This is cause and effect.  But corrective measures are only one part of training.

The consequences of your child’s actions can come in two forms.  The first is in the form of praise and encouragement.  This is a positive reinforcement that will sink correct behaviour deep into a child’s soul.  Never loose sight of the accomplishments of your child and never stop telling them how proud you are of them.  Like the tree we planted, it will water their roots.

The second form of consequences is corrective.  Don’t ever be afraid to say “no” to your child and do something to back your words if need be.  There will be times when all you have to say is “no”.  However, if behaviour is evident to you that is disturbing, don’t tolerate it.  I have a saying, “you deserve what you tolerate!”  The problem with tolerating something when they are young instead of correcting it is the seed will only grow producing more of the same.

There may be times when you need to hem your child in for their sake and others.  Do not feel you are dampening their spirit.  No, you are directing their growth.  You need to teach, train and equip them for life.  What they do or say will affect their future.  Remember even a child is known by its actions.  How do you want them to be known?

Discipline is vital in parenting and should not be considered a dirty word.  It takes discipline on your part to consistently put into practise the training necessary to equip children that will be leaders in the next generations.  Keep up the good work!