How does healing of trauma transpire?

1. Recognition is the first step.  You have to realize that you need freedom in an area before you can be set free.  I didn’t even realize that I was uptight in a car.  Yes, I knew I hated it when we would pass a car but I was used to feeling like that.  You need to beware of your symptoms or reactions.  In regard to your children what behavior are they exhibiting?  How are they reacting in a given situation?  For example has your child fallen and cracked their head or were they bitten by a dog?  These are traumatic events in a person’s life.  Recognize that events in your child's life can cause trauma to them equally as much as they have in your life.  They need healing body, soul and spirit.

2. When dealing with your children, it is important for you to know you have not only the right to pray for them but also the responsibility and the authority to do so.  They are under your headship as their parent.  If you have accepted Jesus as your Savior, you have the Spirit of God, the Almighty living in you, giving you authority to pray effectively.  If they are old enough to participate, i.e. from two onward, then invite them into the pray time.  Ask them if they remember when the situation happened.  If they don't remember ask the Holy Spirit to bring it to their remembrance.  Trust God to work in all experiences.  He will!  

3.  At this point there may be a need for your child to speak forgiveness to another person.  If that person is you as in the case of our daughter, then ask them to forgive you.  Have them respond by saying I forgive you.  I discuss the power of forgiveness in another chapter so I won't go into detail here.  This is key!  They may need to forgive someone: a teacher, a driver, a friend, a grandparent, anyone who has hurt them.  There are all sorts of issues that a child has to deal with.  Forgiveness removes the right the enemy has to hold a person in bondage.

4. Invite the Holy Spirit to come right into the situation and shine His light into the midst of the pain, sorrow, grief, rejection, or loss ...the trauma that your child has had whatever that is.  Ask Him to heal their body, soul and spirit, mind, will and emotions.  Ask Him to heal the sights, sounds and smells...all that affects the senses.  God wants to heal and restore us fully.  


More next week...


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People encounter trauma in their lives in various circumstances.  Nobodies’ story is the same and the very same tragedy affects everyone involved differently.  However, the fact is we put walls up to protect ourselves so it will "never happen to me again".  These coping mechanisms help us but also hurt us.  

The first traumatic experience I had in my life was at the age of five when a drunk driver went through a stop sign smashing into my dad’s car.  I was in the front seat with no seatbelt (not invented yet...yikes that speaks of my age) and nearly went through the windshield.  I hit the dashboard and woke up in hospital.  As a result of that accident I stuttered for several years.   My ability to ride in a car was fine until at the age of thirteen my oldest sister was killed in a head on collision.  As a result of that fear gripped me and I became a great backseat driver.  Not really!  I would clench becoming tense and was always putting my foot to the break even though I was not driving!  If Jim would go to pass a car I would be so filled with fear that my heart would race.

Trauma effects how a person reacts and how they respond to situations.  In the first instant my body was hurt with my mind responding in the situation by try to protect me and help me recover.  But that instance also opened a door to the spirit of fear to operate in my life.  Then, when my sister died, it was as if a stronghold took place.  The enemy had a doorway from the first incident but now had a platform to perform in my life.  My entire being was affected.

Trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.  Our entire being responds to a traumatic event and it can cause emotional shock and anxiety.  Depending on the nature of the trauma, the stress can lead to depression, fear and neurosis.


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Rejection is something that everyone will feel during his or her lifetime.  Rejection is defined as a refusal to accept, submit to, believe, or make use of.  It is also a denial to consider, or grant.   It can come through another person’s refusal to recognize someone, thus leaving them with the feelings of being defective or useless, like you are being spit out, vomited out or thrown away. Rejection makes you feel as if you are not worthy of that person’s affections or attention.

I don't think there is a person on the globe that has not had to deal with feelings of rejection at some point in his or her life.  In fact the enemy uses any and every opportunity to bring rejection into our lives.  Why?  Because it is the opposite of acceptance!  Our heavenly Father is love and this perfect love cast out all fear.  He loves and accepts us without our performance or behavior lining up to a list of laws.  Even while we are sinners he loves us.  He knows exactly who we are and yet he loves us - even with all our warts and wrinkles.  Rejection on the other hand is a feeling of “I am not good enough”, therefore I must try harder and harder to improve myself, and then I will find love and acceptance.  

Rejection is a three-fold cord with the strands being rejection, fear of rejection and self-rejection.  When a person feels rejection, fear begins to play out in their life.  They begin to think people don't like me...every time I meet new people they look at me funny.  The mind begins to play repetitively thoughts that no one likes me; I can't fit into this group.  Our thoughts create scenarios, and accompanying these, are the feelings of rejection and fear of rejection.  These two feelings lead to self-rejection.  When we feel rejected by others we begin to feel that something is wrong with me.  I am not pretty enough, smart enough, and athletic enough, or cool enough and I will never measure up.  So, we begin to hate ourselves thus rejecting who we are and who God created us to be.  We become our greatest critics and begin to make proclamations like I am so stupid or I can't even do anything.  The enemy will gladly add to the list of failures and inadequacies that will increase and increase.  If left unchecked, this process can lead down many ill-fated roads.

Rejection works itself out in people’s lives in various ways.  Once it is unveiled you can see its devastation in our society.  Children, and adults react to their feelings of rejection through rebellion, disobedience and lawlessness.   The thought is: “you don't like me so I don't like you either”.  If I can't get your attention by being who I am, then I will get attention whichever way I can.  Rebellion is only one of the fruits of rejection.  Depression, anxiety, self-harm, alcohol, drug addiction and suicide are also.  Our society is full of young people harassed by rejection, fear of rejection and self- rejection.


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No, I am no suggesting that you carry a gun!  As the season of holidays is upon us many families will be packing to head out to various destinations.  So why not begin the process of teaching your children how to pack?

When they are young, start by having them pick the toys they would like to bring. Get a case for each child so they have responsibility for their own things.  Dollar or Pound stores are cheap place to pick up cases.  This also minimizes the arguments between siblings.  It gives them a designated space and when it is full that's all they can take.  It will help them decide what they definitely want and the rest will stay home.

As they grow you could make a list of how many pairs of socks, shirts and underwear they will need.  Then together you can work through the list and lay everything out on the bed.  Then pack the suitcase together. If they do it with you, they will know where everything is.  Then when you say go get your pajamas they will know where to look.  It is a good exercise for them to learn to fold and take the necessities.  Many of the airlines now have weight restrictions so minimizing is a good thing.

After you have gone through this experience with them a few times it's good to give them the list and have them place all the clothes out themselves.  You can then check the items and approve of the selection or suggest others.  The bottom line is at some point you are going to trust them to get on with it.  If something is missing at the other end it will be a good teacher.

Children learn by example and doing.  Be an encouragement to them as they are learning.  Show them how to fold and roll items and to sort them so they can be located easily.  The most important thing is not to leave it all to the last minute so you are all stressed.  There is enough pressure on you to remember things like the passports, the food or camping gear.  The sooner you can teach them the better off you will be.  Then they can help you sort all the other things that need to be in place before you go.

Pack on and have a great time!
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I was just on my way home from a lovely visit with my parents. As I boarded the plane I noticed a host of families with many children coming on board. My first thought was ‘Oh no!’ Then I thought how sad that I would be thinking that way. I should be praying for grace for everyone!

The holiday season is upon us and many families will be travelling. What is required for a peaceful trip to transpire? Firstly, have your expectations firmly in place before you go. Discuss with the children what you anticipate doing on the trip. Depending on their age you could discuss your destination, have them do some research, look at a map and discuss what you and they would like to do.

We did a lot of travelling with our children when they all lived at home. We drove. Yes, even thousands of miles! We expected them to sit in their car seats or with seat belts but we took books, games, puzzles, cards, colouring books and CDs to play. We played games together (eye spy and the punch buggy games were the favoured ones), counted waterfalls, sang, and had quiet seat contests. The quiet seat contests were for our sanity; we needed the peace and quiet at times! I still think someone should invent a cone of silence for the car that would surround parents. One that they could just press and it would divide the children from the parents! We knew that we would have to stop frequently to let the children and us run and stretch and, of course, use the toilets. But it was all part of the holiday.

One thing we would do is read novels to the children on holidays. Jim is a wonderful oral reader. On one trip he read the novel, Winnie the Pooh, while I drove. Joel and Becky were four at the time and they were spell bound. We also took books when they were teenagers and young adults. The thing is we, myself included, never wanted him to stop until the novel was done. We would make up stories together. Everyone would add their part to the plot and as they got older the plots thickened.

We would have a cooler of food and drinks that they could eat in the car. If you try this, make sure you pack food that isn't messy. For example, oranges in the car smell, need to be peeled and can have a lot of squirty, runny juice and mess. Apples, bananas, plums are easy. Yes, food meant that the car would need to be cleaned out when we got home but your expectations should be reasonable. Have wet clothes and a towel handy because you know they will be required. Also a bag for the garbage is always useful.

But, we never let our rules slip. ‘No still meant no’ and ‘we are leaving now’ meant just that.

Holidays are a special time for families to bond and make memories. You don't have to go far or do something elaborate to create fun and laughter. Just enjoy each other!
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When our children were young we used reins to keep track of them on walks.  We wanted to give them the independence of walking but not wandering off.  We did this for their protection and our sanity.

As the children grow up you can no longer use real reins but you need to keep hold of the invisible reins on your child’s life.

With a horse reins are used to direct it, indicate when it should speed up or slow down.  If you want a horse to stay put, you may tie the reins to a post.  Similarly with children these invisible reins guide, encourage and caution.  There will be times in the life of your children when you will need to rein them in, steer them in another direction or just slow them down.  As your children mature, you also need to give them more slack on the reins.  This is called independence.  Give it to them and then monitor what they do.  For example, your child may ask to play at someone’s home.  Before you agree you would most likely check to see if the parents are home, agree to a time frame and make a condition that all homework needed to be done as soon as they got back.

This decision you make is giving some slack to test the waters.  When the child comes home or you pick them up depending on arrangements, ask them all about their time.  What did they do or watch?  Were they on the computer? Ask lots of questions about what they did with it.  Then don’t say anything about homework and see if their side of the agreement will be fulfilled without prompting.  This may take some reining in on your tongue but remember you are extending some slack.  If the homework is not tackled then the next time you will pull the reins back by saying no.

All through a child’s life you will be training them, giving them more and more room to fly.  However, never let go!

I remember one of our teenagers asking us to help her say no to things people asked her to do.  We knew that compassion and serving were very much a part of who she was.  She was gifted and could do many things.  But she could be driven by other people’s expectations and desires.  We had to help her prioritise her life and gave her (all the children in fact) permission to use us as a scapegoat.  We would discuss the situation with her, ask her what she really wanted to do and if necessary list the pros and cons.  We would then ask her what she thought.  If she didn’t want to do whatever was being asked we would say no.  We did this so she could go back to her friends, teachers, or youth group and say my parents said no.

Hold onto the reins of your child’s life all through their teen years.  Just because they are 16, doesn’t mean they don’t need you - they do!  There will be times when you may have to hold on tightly or steer them in a different direction.  Ultimately the time will come for you to cut the reins and give them complete freedom but you will know and be satisfied that your job is done!

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We have friends who in their late forties have had a “surprise” blessing added to their family.  I don’t know who was more surprised the parents or their teenaged children. 

It is my experience with children once they understand that conception is not immaculate they cannot stand the thought that their parents still “do it”.  We decided very early on that sex was not going to be a taboo subject at our dinner table.  Why you may wonder?  The answer is simple.  We wanted them to learn about this topic from us.  We wanted them to know that in the context of marriage that sex was good and right.

However, we also wanted them to understand there really was a consequence to sex, one of them possibly being a baby.  For the teens whose parents end up conceiving it can be a shock.  They think that all their parents do is read the paper and watch TV.  It is healthy to have conversations about sex.  Ask them when does sex begin, what have they learned at school or heard from their friends?  Keep this conversation flowing with your children.  You want them to be able to come to you with anything. 

Remember two things: 1. Don’t judge them and keep your face from looking surprised, outraged or painful.  You want them to feel secure, not afraid or embarrassed.  You want to be a moral barometer in their life.  2. Don’t criticize the question.  There is no such thing as a stupid question.  The more we can prepare our children the better off they will be.

Children need to realize that babies are a life long responsibility.  Even parents can be caught off guard and surprised but I know many surprises that are a huge blessing!


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