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Love x 5

30/5/2013

How do you feel loved? Is it when you receive gifts? Is it when someone says you are wonderful and so good-looking? None of those do it? How about when your spouse cleans the entire house or makes dinner for you? Or your friend just simply wants to spend time with you? No? What if someone gives you a hug or touches your shoulder or holds your hand?

Which one of these 5 different actions generally makes you feel loved? It’s important for you and those who love you to discover. Your spouse maybe thinking that they are showing you all kinds of love and yet you may not feel loved. How can you connect if you aren’t speaking the same language?

There is a book written by Gary Chapman called the “5 Languages of Love” which is very enlightening. Essentially each of us feels loved through one or more of these 5 expressions he has labelled as love languages. The 5 languages Gary has identified are quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service and receiving gifts.

Gary Chapman shares on his website how he came to identify these love desires. “In the book, I share some of my encounters with couples through the years that brought me to realize that what makes one person feel loved does not necessarily make another person feel loved. For a number of years, I have been helping couples in the counseling office discover what their spouse desired in order to feel loved. Eventually, I began to see a pattern in their responses. Therefore, I decided to read the notes I had made over twelve years of counseling couples and ask myself the question, “When someone sat in my office and said, ‘I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me,’ what did they want?” Their answers fell into five categories. I later called them the five love languages.”[1]

Through helping marriages be better he discovered a vital ingredient. Marriages and families need to speak the right love language for happiness to flow. All 5 languages will speak love to you but one usually is the bedrock upon which all the others build. When you are feeling unloved the question is which one will fill your love tank? For me it is quality time with my wife. She can be serving, giving me gifts, speaking affirmation and physically connecting with me but without time together I feel unloved.

So what language do you think is your predominant one? What about your significant other? Your children? Do you speak theirs? Hmm…. think on that!

(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

[1] http://www.5lovelanguages.com

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Head Over Heels

24/5/2013

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A number of years ago I had an experience with a tool that was totally new to me. On the land we had purchased with friends we built a cottage. My friend, Phil, was well versed with the finer aspects of carpentry and construction. I on the other hand had only experienced construction from the perspective of a gopher. My father would allow me to hold thing in place or ‘go for’ a board or ‘go for’ the nail he dropped or ‘go for’ whatever he wanted. This imbalance of experience led to a novel and new experience for me. It was a power hole auger. Basically that’s a large auger bit below a gasoline engine mounted on pretzel shaped handlebars. Simple but effective! Two people hold the handles in place as the engine turns the auger into the ground, which draws earth up out of the hole.

Our goal was to drill 12 holes into which we would fit forms for concrete to be poured to create pile foundations for the cottage we were going to build. What could go wrong? Aw…! Phil made the fatal mistake of thinking I understood what would happen when we used this machine. He said to me whatever you do don’t let go of the handle. Whatever you say, Phil.

The soil was fairly sandy but had stones buried in it. We hit a stone about a foot into the ground. I didn’t realize that the stone would resist the auger and stop the bit initially until the torque from the engine pried it loose. When we hit the stone, the bit stopped, the engine kept right on turning and the handle snapped out of my hands. I really hadn’t been holding that tightly as I had no idea what this machine was doing. Unfortunately Phil didn’t let go. He took off into space and landed on his back about 6 feet away from the hole. He gave me the look. You know the one – hey, stupid, I told you to hold onto the handle. Probably didn’t help that I laughed as I saw him in flight.

We got right back at it and the stone came up. It was about the size of a large baked potato. We kept on and hit another stone. Whammo, Phil went flying! I still didn’t have the concept of how hard you had to hold on. One more look! (I hate the look, don’t you?) From that point on we finished 11 of the holes with no further space flights. On the twelfth hole we hit a rock. I was locked onto those handles like a vise. Phil let go. I took off into the air like a rocket. I saw the sky, ground and sky again before I collided with Mother Earth. What a rush! It was so much fun I wanted to do it again but we didn’t encounter any more rocks on the last hole. Wow!

I know, I know, I wasn’t supposed to enjoy it but I did. It kind of defeated his retaliation for earlier in the day. So, why am I telling you this story? Well, I wanted you to understand that a tool needs to be used to be effective. You can admire their craftsmanship all you like but you have to turn it on for it to be useful. The other thing is you can’t assume someone knows what he or she is doing with a tool. I didn’t have Phil’s experience but through use I soon did.

With parenting in fact in regard to all relationships there are tools that when applied make life easier and more constructive. Bonnie and I have written blogs, a book (called 24 Secrets to Great Parenting which you can buy on Amazon.com), a DVD (which you can buy on our website) and an audio copy of the book (also available on our website). All of these are tools to help you enjoy your family more. There are also a couple of other tools I want to share with you over the next couple of months that if applied will make a huge difference in your relationship and your family. I would really appreciate you trying them out. So often I have observed people taking courses on different things and then it appears like they immediately forget the principles, ideas and techniques that were taught. There seemed to be an initial fascination with the concept but no real change is evident in their lives.

Like the auger we might go head over heels due to our inexperience but why not try?

(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Tool Time

17/5/2013

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Tools are amazing. I love tools. Some I have no clue how they work or what I would do with them. Others are a part of my everyday life. I really love pens and computers. Where would we be without all the fantastic tools that someone has invented?

Just after we realized we were having our first babies Bonnie and I decided as we still had two incomes that we would buy the things we really wanted. Bonnie bought a sewing machine. I bought a circular saw, a router and electric planer along with a folding workbench. It was rather ironic as neither of us was proficient with these tools.

Bonnie hated the sewing classes in school as she is left-handed and nothing at that time was set up for a lefty. She cursed the scissors and was totally frustrated with the class. I, on the other hand, had no knowledge of woodworking. The classes in school were so over crowded that it took a whole school term to plane a piece of wood into a breadboard. My father was very good with carpentry but failed to teach me anything.

Bonnie never used the sewing machine. Well, she did try once but it was totally frustrating. A friend finally used it only to find there was a defect in it from the factory. I tried the tools. The router was an adventure on a plywood sheet. Great grooves all over the place, as I didn’t know you needed a guide for the router. My saw burned out when a friend borrowed it. The planer was used once on some furniture-refinishing project that amounted to nothing more than a perfectly good table becoming scrap.

We moved those tools around with us over the next 20 years only to sell them in a garage sale before we moved to England. They looked good but you know they were useless because we never learned how to use them.

What’s this got to do with relationships and parenting? Come back next week for the rest of the story.
(images courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Good Children Don't Just Happen

10/5/2013

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Good children don’t just happen, they take work. Part of that work is to know what matters to you. What is important to you? What do you value? To identify that takes some thought. Sometimes it also takes occasions where you see behaviour that is definitely not what you want. Remember, observe your kids, for they will reflect your values.

Values are the accepted principles or standards of an individual or group. They are the ideals you live by. They are measured by the time, effort and money you put into them. When something is of value to you, you will exchange your money for it. When looking around a market on a vacation, you will be exposed to many items which don’t move you to part with your cash. Once you see that special something you will shell out the funds. Some people highly value their local football club. They buy the latest strip, text each other during games with the current score and spend astronomical sums on a season ticket. Why? In their eyes the team is worth it. The reason I mention the element of time, energy and finance in regard to values, is that some people will say they hold certain standards as values but their actions don’t reflect it. The man who says his family is a value yet never spends any time with them is deluding himself.

Values are as diverse and as numerous as the individuals who hold them. You may value honesty, creativity, boldness, imagination, peace or curiosity. Often we aren’t aware of what we value. Over time and from our family of origin, values are assimilated into our subconscious and we don’t think about them until we are confronted with a situation that goes against the grain of our particular values. That’s when you hear people say things like ‘Oh, we don’t hug in our family, or we never eat together.’ Those are expressions of values you hold.

One of the things we valued was a peaceful home. Something that contributed to that was lowered speaking voices. Bonnie would do this little thing with her hand where she would bring her fingers together with her thumb while saying ‘small voice’. This is not to say our kids were quiet all the time. In fact our dinner table was extremely noisy. We only realised this after the twins left home and our youngest would be yelling at the table. It took a couple of months for her to realise that she didn’t need to shout to be heard. Friends of ours didn’t feel that this was important so everything their children said was at the top of their voices. But the parents were loud too. We shared a common wall between our houses and we were clearly entertained by everything they did. (Don’t even think about that!)

Eating together was also a very high value for us. Having a family night together was the standard for quality bonding that was popular advice at the time our children were very young. That just didn’t work for us. Our work often required that we be out in the evenings and it was impossible to get a consistent day of the week that was open. It also felt so artificial. We wanted to relate daily. So dinner became the priority. We would not answer the phone during that time. We blocked two hours of time for the meal. The whole family would share in the preparation and cleanup. We didn’t clear up until after we had had a great time talking and laughing. Our children loved our meal times. One of their favourite things was to invite friends over to experience mealtime with us. Sometimes it was overwhelming for their friends as the humour and jokes are non-stop.

So, have you given any thought to what you really value and would love to see as a part of your children's lives? Are you on course with what you want to impart or could you use a change of course? As you look at your children do they reflect your family values? Are you happy with the way things are going? You can gently adjust course at any time. You only have to know you are slightly off course to do it.

(Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Valuing Life

4/5/2013

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Recently a dear friend’s husband died and a close family member is battling multiple myeloma. As family and friends have rallied to support them I have thought about how blessed they are to have this network of love and care. How difficult it must be to go through such experiences without a support network.

All the things that we do are suddenly put in proper perspective through tragedy. What is really important comes to the forefront. It’s the family. During our cousin’s trials the family have picked up responsibilities, rearranged schedules to accommodate visits and supported their mother during the long days and nights of recovery. Not only his family but his church family too have been so supportive with meals, cleaning, giving and visiting. It is lovely to see such love in action. Our friend’s sudden loss of her husband is agony for her. We let her cry as she remembers her husband’s love and antics. For us it is so good to hear what a lovely intimate relationship they had. We feel her grief and want to be here for her.

Bonnie and I embarked on producing parenting and marriage resources for the sole purpose of strengthening family relationships. As wonderful as government services are they can never replace the love and support of one’s family. Love creates a bond that leads to sacrificial service and giving at times like this. In fact - love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. [1]

If we truly love one another, love will prevail in all we encounter.

[1] 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Love x 5

Head Over Heels

Tool Time

Good Children Don't Just Happen

Valuing Life

Jim Inkster

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