The other night I was watching football with two of my grandchildren and their father.  They were getting to stay up way past their bedtime since it was England playing.  The whole time they were squirming – off the couch, in front of the screen, dancing around, back to the floor, legs over the arms of the couch.  It was agonising!  At one point they were both sitting on top of me all the while wriggling.

Their poor dad would tell them to sit.  He would get them back on the couch and settled.  Two minutes later they were moving around again.  He would pull them back onto the couch and tell them to sit still and watch the game.  Finally as the first half ended he said, ‘that’s enough, you’re going to bed’.  Then he had to endure the “do we have to?” and “this isn’t fair?” stuff.  Regardless of what they said he held his ground and put them to bed.

So what was that about?  Well…

It’s all about me!  Me, me, me!  Isn’t it amazing that a creature so helpless as a human baby has such a self-centred attitude?  It’s all about me!  The world exists for me.  These creatures that come into my sight line belong to me.  They are here to serve me.

I’m hungry, I cry, they feed me.  I’m wet, I cry, they change me.  I’m tired, I cry, they put me in a snug, warm sleeper and put me to bed.  When people come to visit, I’m the centre of attention.  One adult or two adults or five adults it’s still all about me.

I remember one of my psychology courses said children for the first few months don’t realise you are still alive and exist once you are out of their sight.  We need to shape that “wee” will into cooperating with the rest of the world or things will not go well for them.  The word “no” is vital to their character development.  They need to understand that because they cry or pull a hissy fit they will not get what they want.  If they get away with it all the time, they will be unbearable in school and in society in general. 

As a parent you have to say no and be consistent in it.  Don’t vacillate and change your mind.  You are not helping your children in the long run.  It is tiring, irritating and exhausting, making you want to throw in the sponge and just let it go.  Don’t give up!  The dividends come when you take your children out in public and people compliment how well behaved they are.  You are preparing them to be a part of something bigger – a community without which they could not exist.
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What is happiness?  Ever thought about it?  Are you happy?  Are your children happy?  What creates happiness?

Happiness is defined as feeling pleasure, causing pleasure and being satisfied.  “Feeling, causing and being” all talk about your state of mind, not what you physically possess.  I have been in some countries of the world that are extremely poor and have seen more happiness on the faces of the people than in the rich western countries. 

I think in the west we have come to identify consumption of goods and having all the toys as the key to our happiness.  I remember after Bonnie and I graduated and were bringing home two pay cheques that we soon had acquired all the physical trappings of that time.  We had a house, two cars, lovely furniture, stereo systems, everything except a trash compactor.  I remember looking out the kitchen window and saying, ‘Is that all there is?’  Is this all that my life amounts to?  We get the trash compactor then what?  I think I deliberately stalled buying it because there would be nothing else to purchase. 

Was I happy?  No, in fact, I was desperate, as all these things had not brought me happiness.  I had placed all my focus on material things to the detriment of relationship and peace of mind.  I thought success at work and owning anything I wanted was the place of true happiness.  Years later I read the quote that many people climb the ladder of success only to find that when they reach the top they had the ladder against the wrong wall. 

Shortly afterwards we met some people who had a huge impact on our lives.  They had 3 children, mom worked at home and dad worked at college and got a pay cheque for his endeavours.  Bonnie and I had way more money than they did but they were happy.  We learned how happiness is found in small simple things like a cup of coffee and a muffin shared with friends, a game of cards, or water fights.  Not much expense but fun that led to a deep feeling of happiness. 

Happiness is feeling pleasure and causing pleasure for others.  You can feel happy by serving someone tea or coffee in bed.  Why do you think all children want to bring Mommy breakfast in bed on Mother’s Day?  They are happy thinking about all the pleasure she will get being served by them.  Happiness creates happiness and leads to satisfaction.

How many of you have bought your children the latest “must have” gift only to have them play with the box it came in?  Our kids spent hours playing with some appliance boxes in our basement.  All the other toys lay on the floor as they crawled in and out of their imaginary castles.  It doesn’t take much to make them happy. 

Happy parents have happy children.  Your children are a source of pleasure to you and as a result you make them feel loved and secure.  It’s all about our attitude – what we think is truly important – determines our happiness.

How’s your happiness level doing? 
 



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Recently we dropped in on our daughter’s family.  Their oldest daughter was baking cookies for a meeting they were hosting that evening.  At one point she broke up chocolate to go into the batter.  She kept nibbling and nibbling on the chocolate as she broke it to pieces.  Her mom told her to stop but she couldn’t resist one more bite. 

It reminded me of another visit a couple of years ago at their home.  After dinner we had ice cream for dessert with homemade chocolate sauce – absolutely my favourite.  There was an abundance of chocolate sauce with some left over.  Becky took the two youngest girls upstairs for bed and asked Rachel to clean up.  She agreed readily which should have been the giveaway.  Becky returned to the kitchen to find Rachel’s face and hands covered in chocolate sauce.  She asked Rachel, ‘What are you doing?’  Rachel responded that she had just been testing her self-discipline at resisting chocolate.  Becky responded, “Obviously, you failed!’

Dear Rachel just manifested what all of mankind do when it comes to temptation.  It’s simply irresistible!  When we can’t resist we always partake way beyond what is wise for you.

We had a two-cookie rule in our home for the kids.  After dinner they could have two cookies period, full stop.  They would always try for more but the boundary held fast and firm.  We did this because we had seen many cases where the children showed absolutely no self-control.  I had a friend who ate all the cookies, usually three dozen at a time, his mother made at one sitting.

One time when the twins were about 14 we had a youth meeting at our home.  Bonnie had made cookies for after the main sharing time.  The meeting took an unusual turn resulting in the kids leaving the group in ones and twos.  I asked our son to make sure they all got something to eat before they left.  After everyone was gone and we thought the twins were down for the night he appeared in the kitchen with a sore tummy.  I prayed for him to be well whereupon he immediately ran for the sink and threw up.  Unfortunately he didn’t make the sink and anointed the rest of the kitchen. 

The good news was he felt better, the bad news was I got to wipe it up as Bonnie doesn’t do vomit.  I asked him how many cookies he ate.  He shrugged and confessed he couldn’t remember.  He did know that it was more than two.  In my most compassionate manner I pointed out to him the evidence lay before us as to why there was a two-cookie rule.

The whole goal of the two-cookie rule was to teach self-control, not to be stingy.  The thought behind it was it would help them throughout their lifetime in resisting the devil in temptation.
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Bonnie and I had the privilege of making pizzas with my daughter’s family.  It was a great experience.  She made the dough from scratch and then broke off dough balls, which she weighed.  I asked her why?  She said each of the children ate a different amount.  So the youngest got 100 grams, the middle 125 and the oldest 150.  Having observed her children’s food intake, she found this made enough pizza to satisfy each one of them.  Everybody received a dough ball, which we rolled out and then put topping on.  It is a great idea as each person has a choice of what toppings they would like and never complain about their pizzas.

The girl’s father said to one of them to not make her pizza too rich, as she hadn’t been finishing them.  She quite perkily said yes but continued to layer on the cheese.  The warning fell on deaf ears.  When the pizzas were done, she only ate two thirds of hers.  He said to her, ‘I told you not to make it too rich!’  She shrugged her shoulders and that was the end of it. 

I had listened to the whole exchange and saw a slight frustration on his part due to the fact that she didn’t stop putting cheese on the pizza.  When she didn’t finish it, he was more exasperated as he had told her beforehand what would happen.  My granddaughter appeared to understand what he was saying initially but continued to do the opposite of what he asked.  I don’t think she actually blatantly disobeyed him.  I think she didn’t understand what he meant by not making the pizza “too rich”. 

Rich means: 1) having a great deal of money or assets; wealthy: 2) existing in plentiful quantities; abundant: (of food) containing a large amount of fat, spices, sugar, etc.  At her age the understanding of rich would be wealth and plenty of it.  I doubt she would have associated rich with a large amount of fat.  If that were the case she would think she has a rich grandfather.  (The other one!)

I have a friend who a few years ago said to me, ‘Talk to me straight.  I don’t get hints and big words.  I’m not good at reading between the lines.  Just keep it plain if you want me to understand.’  I had been hinting at some ideas that would have been wise for him to take on board but he was just not getting it.  Direct and plain was better in his case.  I hadn’t wanted to offend him by being too direct. 

Children are working with a limited but growing vocabulary.  We used to work with the kids on vocabulary.  We would ask questions like ‘whose across from you? Or whose behind you?’  If they couldn’t figure it out, we would explain.  As a schoolteacher I worked hard at developing my students’ vocabulary too.  It was important that they understood what they read along with being able to pronounce the words.  I had one student who could read any text beautifully but when questioned about it had absolutely no clue about what she had read.  A secretary who typed my university essays had no idea what she had typed.  She saw the words and repeated them accurately but without understanding. 

If you are trying to communicate with your children but see no response, check to see if they understood what you said.  Ask them to repeat to you in their words what they heard you say.  If there is no hostility to your requests, then the disobedience is most likely a result of them not understanding what you said.

I, too, heard his warning to her, understood what he said and still managed to make my pizza too rich.  I was in agony all night long but refused to throw up because I had understood his caution and ignored it.  
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This week I received an email from a friend telling me that he and his wife were going for a weekend to the Black Forest in Germany.  I think that’s wonderful and wise to do to preserve and strengthen your marriage.  It was the destination that rang bells in my head.  I thought what a terrible place to go.  It’s so foreboding and dark and scary!  I shuttered at the thought. 

Now why would I think that way?  I have never been to the Black Forest nor have I met anyone who has until now.  As an adult I have never heard a negative report about it.  So where did this terrible feeling come from?

While I remember as a child watching Walt Disney on Sunday nights.  One of the shows was "Peter and the Wolf", an animated story set in the Black Forest.  It terrified me!  The confrontation of Peter, a boy, and a mean, snarling wolf was frightening.  So to make sure I have my facts right I checked it out on You Tube.  Nowhere in any of the references to "Peter and the Wolf" is the Black Forest mentioned.  Having watched some of the video again I can see that the forest is portrayed as black and dark.  I am also amazed listening to Sterling Holloway’s friendly voice and seeing the characters how I could have been scared.  But…

I didn’t see it through adult eyes when I first saw it.  I was 6.  So here I am a grandfather getting flashbacks and apprehension for my friend’s sake over them going to the Black Forest.  Decades later a fear that entered my heart as a child still has an effect.

An adult probably wouldn’t think twice about showing that cartoon to children for all they would see is an innocent story told by a trusted storyteller.  My parents probably thought the same.  We took our twins to see Disney’s "Peter Pan" in the cinema when they were 5.  They were so upset that they told us afterwards to never take them to a movie like that again.  Then when the younger two were 5 and 3 respectively we took them to "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" through the encouragement of good friends who had seen it.  Our 5 year-old stood through the entire movie next to me and our 3 year-old buried her face in Bonnie’s chest for most of the movie.  The scene that really did them in was the appearance of a bee attacking the shrunken children.  After it was over Jessie told us to never take her to a movie like that again.  We were actually rebuked by our children.  I have no idea what bugaboos they have now from those films.

My point is this: we need to guard what our children watch and hear carefully.  Is it age appropriate?  I have seen parents with 5 and 6 year olds in movies that are rated 12 years of age.  They have been up and down to the toilets throughout the movie.  Their children have been terrified.

It takes a great deal of gumption to withstand the onslaught that everyone is seeing it as well as the criticism of being too old-fashioned and prudish.  Don’t give in, stand your ground and be their protector and guide. 

Oh, don’t forget that what goes in does come out.  I am just now consciously aware of something that has affected me subconsciously my whole life.  What our children perceive and interpret from their point of view will affect them throughout their life.  It is worth it to be diligent and protect their minds while they are young.  View movies and programmes first before you show them to your children.  That’s what we learned to do from our previous experiences.  It is one of those benefits that show up only by its lack of fruit later in life.

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On Friday night Bonnie and I took our son’s children to Pizza Hut for dinner as a treat for them and a break for mom and dad.  We had to use their vehicle to get all of us in.  As I unlocked the car their 6 year old son said, ‘Grandpa, do you know how to drive this?’  I laughed and said, ‘Of course!’  He looked at me with a knitted brow and reluctantly climbed into the car. 

The trip down was uneventful until we turned into the mall where the restaurant is located.  At the roundabout with 4 exits I was unsure of which one to take.  As I went around the circle again I said to Bonnie, ‘Which exit is it?’  The two oldest in the far back shouted directions at me.  When I exited at their suggested turn they then yelled to turn left immediately.  As I was doing so I heard my grandson saying, ‘I knew this was going to happen.  I told you, you didn’t know how to drive this’.

Bonnie said to me as we entered the restaurant that we should have looked at the kids faces closer before we left the house.  One of the twins had quite a ring of yogurt around her mouth.  Before we could do anything about it she wiped it all off on her stuffed bunny.  Made a mental note not to kiss her bunny later when she offered it to me as she often does.  The restaurant was uneventful with them all behaving beautifully.  We were very proud of them.

During the meal they had access to unlimited drinks and made good use of it.  In fact I was concerned that they would be so full that they wouldn’t be able to eat their meal.  As they got in the car my grandson groaned that his tummy hurt.  Immediately we started plugging his mind full of positive thoughts like “no, you’re fine”, (which isn’t all that positive, is it?) or “it’ll be fine” (hmm, another whizz answer that totally overcomes all thoughts of “I’m going to be sick”).  My prayer was, ‘Oh Lord, don’t let him be sick in the back of the car, please!’  He answered cause we made it home without incident.

On the way home one of the twins spotted a caravan (English equivalent for “trailer” my North American friends) and yelled, ‘Caravan!’ at the top of her lungs.  Suddenly all of them were vigilantly spying out caravans and shouting “Caravan”.  (It is truly amazing how many of them were along our route home.)  One of the twins in all the excitement and claims of how many they had seen yelled out, ‘I need to talk!  Somebody listen to me!’  I remembered how our youngest felt overwhelmed by her older brothers and sisters and would shout to be heard.  “I need to talk!”

As grandparents it was fun to take them out without thought to what is really proper for them.  We were prepared to let them eat what they wanted and to leave the rest.  In fact my daughter in law said to me as we were leaving the house, ‘Please, don’t let them eat just ice cream!’  How did she know what was in my mind?  We got a small peek into their everyday family life and enjoyed it.  I can now sit in peace and quiet writing about the cute things they said and did.  Unfortunately when you are raising your children you don’t have that luxury.

My son in law asked me what advice I would give them about life a few years ago.  I said to stop and smell the flowers, enjoy the coffee and don’t rush to the next thing you want to accomplish.  You’ll get there regardless so why miss the little things that make life so full and enjoyable because of the hurry you are in to get to the next thing.