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Do You Have a Philosophy?

25/10/2013

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As our children have married and had their own children we thought they would know what to do, that they would raise their children as they were raised.  Why would they do it any differently as we did such a great job?  In our opinion!  But over the last few years they have asked for help.  What did we do?  What would we do in this situation?  It dawned on us that they experienced our philosophy of childrearing and they are the product of it, hopefully also the beneficiaries of it too, but they were not students of it as they grew up.  They didn’t study it.  They lived it.  So now that they are raising children they have to develop their own philosophy.

Do we have a philosophy of childrearing?  You betcha!  That’s what we share with you in the blogs and is the basis of our book, 24 Secrets to Great Parenting, as well as the DVD, 8 Questions Parents Want Answered.

Bonnie and I spent many hours developing our philosophy over coffee breaks starting even before we had children.  We would discuss what we would like to see in our children’s character and behaviour.  Sometimes that would be a process of thinking through what we would do as a reaction to what we had just witnessed by some child.  We’d say, “I don’t want my child to do that.  So what will we do to not have them behave like that?  What would be appropriate?”  Then we would labour away coming up with ideas and suggestions as to what we might do.  The agreed course of action became our philosophy.

Philosophy is not only an academic study devoted to the systematic examination of basic concepts such as truth, existence, reality, causality, and freedom taught at university.  It also means a set of beliefs or aims underlying somebody's practice or conduct. 

Do you have such a philosophy regarding your children?  You don’t have to call it a philosophy to have one.  Do you know what you are going to do in different situations?  Do you know what character traits you want to establish in your children’s lives?  Or is the whole idea a foreign concept to you?  Do you think doing the right thing with your children will come naturally like breathing?

Most businesses have a philosophy that they adhere to; it contains their mission and their attitude towards customers.  Schools have philosophies that they want to see consistently applied by their staff.  In many ways it’s like a manual of good business practises. 

I have a friend who ended up as the supervisor of a department in a grocery store.  He had never worked in this type of position before, nor had he worked for this company before.  When he was unsure of what to do he looked for their operational manual.  They didn’t have one as the practises where passed on from manager to staff verbally.  If you didn’t work in that particular capacity with the firm, you were clueless as to what they expected or as to what to do.  He then set about writing a manual for them to make it easier in the future for new hires that didn’t work their way up the organisation.

If businesses will do this, why wouldn’t we give the time and thought to do the same for our family.  Why simply let life happen and hope for the best?  Why not take action and create the kind of future you want to see for your family?  It truly is worth the time and effort.  It’s also good for your marriage by spending time together talking about one of the most important things in your life.
(image courtesy of t0zz @ FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Tragedy

19/10/2013

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Perspective is different for everyone.  If you are a child, you see things very differently than your parents do.  If you are single, you perceive relationships and interactions from a different angle than do couples.  I had a young woman bring this simple truth home to me when we were discussing a young couple she had recommended to me.  She told me several weeks earlier that I needed to meet them and that they would be such a huge bonus to our organization.  She described their physical features so I could find them on my own.  She said the young man was tall.  I looked everywhere for this tall, young man and his wife.  After three meeting with no success I asked my young friend if she could point them out.  She said she could but it was too late as they were joining another group.  When she pointed them out, I was shocked.  He wasn’t tall, probably about 5’8”.  I exclaimed that I never would have taken them for the couple as I was looking for someone tall about 6’3” or more.  I said he’s short.  All 5’1” of her looked at me, shrugged her shoulders and said everyone is tall to me.

Keeping a right perspective on life isn’t easy.  We get too serious over issues that are fleeting in the grand scheme of things.  Recently friends of ours were shaken by the news of their son breaking his neck playing a sport.  When tragedy strikes you, life perspective changes.  Suddenly the issues like picking up your socks off the floor become non-issues in life and death situations.  The value of the person who is suffering rises to the forefront.  You think differently and sometimes remorsefully about the way you have acted towards them. 

I experienced the impact of losing perspective in a relationship when the man I was snipping about suddenly died of a heart attack at 41.  Wow!  That shook me!  Here we had been arguing about semantics and it had separated us and had broken our relationship.  Then he was dead.  He left a wife and 3 children from 8 to 14 years of age.  What a waste on my part!  Stupid words that seemed so important now seemed totally petty in light of his passing. 

Tragedy flips your world upside down.  What is really of value hurdles to confront us all.  Our perspective changes in response. 

So, can our perspective be recalibrated without tragedy?  Can we shift our outlook on life?  Can we recognise when we have gone back to non-issues or will we wallow in them until something tragic comes near our home?

I think we can.  It means looking at our values, deciding what is really important to us and laying the other irrelevant issues aside. 
(image courtesy of  Mantas Ruzveltas/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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A Day of Rest

13/10/2013

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The bedroom window was wide open tonight as I turned off the light.  I lay there listening to the construction activity coming from the new development across the road from us.  It was the weekend and here they were working after midnight.  I understand why they are as the area is extremely busy during the day with shoppers filling the parking lot.  But a thought struck me regarding these workers and their families.  When do they get quality time together?

Back in the olden days there were very few night shift jobs, stores were closed on Sundays and the weekend was generally seen as a time for family, even if it did mean doing the grocery shopping on Saturday with half the families in the city.  There was a law called the Lord’s Day Act, which prohibited retailers from being open on Sundays.  In Canada in 1982 the Supreme Court struck the law down as unconstitutional because it was bias to the Christian faith and forced this day of rest upon everyone regardless of what they believed.  From that point on businesses could open on Sundays.  Countries around the world that had a similar act have done the same thing over the last 30 years or so. 

I can see the concern regarding imposing one’s faith upon others through the law but I also see a fairly strong connection with the breakdown of the family unit.  Before I become ostracized for a narrow view let me say that there are other factors at work in the break down of families.  But one thing a healthy family needs is good quality time together.  Without time together you are cohabiting but not necessarily truly knowing each other.  When do you play together?  When do you get a chance to have fun and laugh together?  When do you rest together?

Our world is extremely busy.  We have parents working, children in school, after school clubs, hobbies, extra-curricular evening classes and sports.  We need an organisational genius to keep the calendar for the family functioning without one of the children being left at school or the ball game.  The problem with non-stop activity is the body can’t take it.  We get fatigued physically and mentally.  We are more likely to be short tempered and reactive to others when we are tired.  We really stop seeing each other at our best but more often at our worst.  How do we have the resources within us to handle one more problem, one more stressful occurrence?  How will we response in the best way for all concerned when we are tired?

A good solid family takes time together.  Rightly or wrongly the Lord’s Day Act gave the family time together.  You didn’t have to go to church; you just had the time available if you wished to.  So the government no longer forces us to have a rest, it’s now up to us to see that it happens for the sake of our loved ones and ultimately for the sake of our societies.  Good families create good societies to live in.
(image courtesy of Poulsen Photo/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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The Donut Shop

8/10/2013

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Bonnie and I were in a Canadian institution, Tim Horton’s, having a coffee when a father came in with his very cute 3 year old.  She could only see the confectionary in the front counter, as her father didn’t lift her up to see anything else on the shelving behind.  She said she wanted the brown one.  He said no and talked to the waitress.  The little girl said again a little louder that she wanted the brown one.  It was apparent that he disagreed although we couldn’t hear his response.  How did we know?  She started to jump up and down as children do when they are throwing a tantrum and whining I want the brown one.  Then she stopped.  She realized we were watching her and she went shy hiding behind her father’s knee. 

Why would she start throwing a tantrum in a restaurant?  Why did she go to this response when her father said no?  Why?  Because it worked before for her!  If it didn’t work, she wouldn’t do it.  Her father had resisted twice but she had moved the anti up, as “no” wasn’t enough for her. 

She was so little and so sweet.  But she had learned this behaviour.  It’s effective and gets her what she wants.  I have observed younger siblings learning this behaviour from their older siblings.  They see the interaction between their brothers and sisters with their parents and they imitate it.  It worked for them; it’ll work for me.

This is what we have labelled as having spongy boundaries.  Your no isn’t no, it’s a maybe which can be pushed into a yes.  Children want their way.  Should they always have their way?  No!  They don’t know what is best for them.  One couple I knew left their 2 year old up at night after they went to bed as it was too much effort to fight with him over bedtime.  What is that?  It’s certainly not responsible parenting.  A 2 year old should never be left to their own devices without adequate parental supervision.  Tragic situations could occur.

One friend let her 3 and 1 year old get their breakfast while she slept in.  Until one morning when she came down to the kitchen and found it covered in flour, milk and eggs as the children had tried to make pancakes.  It was indeed a wake up call.

Why let a tantrum happen?  Why give in?  You’re bigger!  You’re the Dad!  You’re the Mom!  Don’t give in to every whim for their sake.  Stand your ground and be the leader.  Oh, change will take some time but they will eventually get the message.  What’s that?  Your no is no!
(Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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    Jim Inkster

    Hi guys, this is where we do the talking!

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