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What Did You Say?

27/11/2012

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The other day we were driving with Bonnie’s parents to buy pears from an orchard shop.  Her mom was giving me directions.  She said, ‘Make sure when you turn the corner to stay to the inside lane’.  Having spent 13 years in England I wasn’t sure what a Canadian meant by the “inside lane” any more.  I asked which lane was she talking about.  She got exasperated because I think she thought it was her crazy son in-law trying to be funny.  So she re-emphasised the words “stay to the inside lane”.  At which point I asked Bonnie to intervene.

You see in England the inside lane is the lane closest to the edge of the road not the one closest to the middle of the road.  In Canada the inside lane is the one closest to the middle of the road.  I really didn’t know which lane she wanted me in until we got this figured out.  Amazing considering we are speaking the same language!

How much does this happen within relationships?  Mom thought she had made herself perfectly clear.  I was completely unsure which lane she wanted.  How about you and your partner?  Are you speaking the same language?  Are you discussing issues or the behaviour of the children but not really understanding what the other person is saying?  Are you assuming that if you understand they understand?

We can hear words clearly spoken to us and totally misinterpret them.  In Chapter 16, Team Sport, of 24 Secrets to Great Parenting Bonnie and I found this to be the case.  “When we first got married, Bonnie would tell me something broke. I would say, “Call a repairman”. Even though she heard me she heard it through her filter of “Dad always fixes things”. She wouldn’t call anyone. I would ask several days later if it was fixed. She would say, “Oh, you fixed it”. My response was, “No, I thought you were calling someone to do it”. We had to discuss our expectations and correct them, as we were now a new family.” (Page 112-113)

As I explained with my mother in-law we were talking the same language but hearing two different things due to our cultural interpretation of the words.  We bring “family and cultural” interpretations into our relationships.  Have you ever considered that some of the misunderstanding in your relationships could be from this source?  When you discuss your situation together look for clarification of what certain terms mean.  It’s wise to be using the same language to avoid accidents.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Stimulation

14/11/2012

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Your child’s early years are critical to their over all development.  As much as they need food, sleep, cuddling, they need mental stimulation.  Toys and books are important.  It may not appear to you like they are doing much with them but they are learning from them.

We met a woman whose daughter was struggling in school with learning to read.  The teacher had told her that her daughter was behind in letter and word recognition in comparison to the other children.  The other students were ready to read and her daughter wasn’t.  This mother was very concerned but didn’t know what to do to help her daughter.  We asked if her daughter had books at home to look at.  She said no for she thought that her daughter was too young to look at them.  There was the source of the problem. 

Children need to have books and toys.  We left cloth and padded books along with toys in their cots.  When they woke from a sleep we could hear them playing with their things.  Usually they all ended up on the floor, which meant it was time for us to get them up but that took some time as they looked at and played with each item. 

We would read to them, initially that meant pointing at the pictures and making animal noises.  We also got them the wood puzzles with the pictures of various things that they could learn to put in place.  All of these activities take time and one on one attention.  You don’t have to do it all day long but it should be done daily. 

The other thing to be careful with is over stimulation.  You can get so many toys, games, puzzles and books that they are overwhelmed by them all and don’t really play with any of them.  We would take one thing out at a time, play with it, put it back and take out another.  It is a good way to teach your child how to put their toys away.  At one point we split their toys up into groups as they got more and more of them.  We would put one or two lots of toys away in a closet out of reach to them and keep one lot out.  They would play with those for a month and then we would switch groups.  For them it was like getting a whole new bunch of toys, which they enjoyed playing with again.  Some times they have so much that they pull them all out on the floor, play with none and then leave the mess for you to clean up. 

Clearing up and putting things away teaches them organisational skills and self-discipline.  Every step from having books and toys, to playing with them together, to clearing away is teaching them skills for a lifetime.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Laugh and the Whole World Laughs with You!

8/11/2012

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Lately I have been pondering family life as one would when you write blogs about children and parents.  There are so many elements of family life that create good children and happy homes.  We spend a great deal of time talking about consistency and obedience, training and values.  Educational achievement is a huge concern as school plays such a major part of their week and their future. 

We can be busy correcting how they eat, dress, tidy their room, answer us, and behave in relationships.  Stop yelling, eat with your mouth closed, use your fork, don’t colour on the wall, stop poking your brother, pick up your clothes, do your homework, turn down the music, you call that music!  If we’re not careful, we can act and sound more like a prison guard than a loving parent. 

We are more than their custodian.  We are their parents, their role models for how to live life.  We are the people who they copy and mimic in learning to be adults.  Our words are only effective if our lives reflect what we are saying.  If we say one thing and do another, the kids will see right through your hypocrisy.  You may fool the neighbours but never your children.  They are reflecting back to you how you act and respond in every situation.  They are the mirrors to your soul.

If we get caught in the spiralling cycle of dos and don’ts, educational and sporting achievement and neglect to enjoy life, our children will be correct but miserable.  We need to be fun loving and creative in spontaneity.  As much as we care for their manners we need to care for their joy.  Children play for the pleasure of play. 

Play with them for the joy that it brings to them.  Start when they are really young ideally but start at any time - its never too late.  Teach them card games.  Build forts inside or outside.  Furniture cushions and blankets make great forts.  The level of sophistication is obviously age dependent.  Play sports together.  Put on music and dance together.  Do what you like to do with them and they will grow up liking it too.

Parenting is life giving from birth until they leave home.  Enjoy your children, play with your children and you will really get to know your children.  Lighten up and have some fun.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Serious Stuff

3/11/2012

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Anything left uncared for will deteriorate.  Think about it.  You leave the coloured outdoor Christmas lights up for the whole year and what do you have in October next year?  Clear Christmas lights!  Leave a photograph out in the direct sunlight and what happens?  Leave an important relationship alone and what happens?

To keep the things that most value to you in good shape you have to care for it.  All relationships if they are important take time, energy and money to maintain.  We wouldn’t buy a classic automobile to leave it exposed to the weather yet how much thought and purposeful attention do we give to our closest and most important relationships?

Recently I heard of a marital breakdown where the husband walked out on his wife saying he didn’t love her anymore.  She was shocked as she said she had no indication that anything was wrong with their relationship.  It is painful to see a family torn apart after 20 – 25 years.  I don’t know what happened to their relationship and I can’t judge.  All I know is I never want that to happen to my marriage.

So what can I do to prevent it?
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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    Jim Inkster

    Hi guys, this is where we do the talking!

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