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Consistently

25/11/2013

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Have you ever been in a restaurant or shop and heard a haggard parent saying: “If you touch that, or if you don’t sit down, I’m going to do something to correct you”?  The correction is usually a threat of some description, aimed to instantly evoke an obedient response from their child.  Instead the child ignores them and keeps on doing what they were doing before the threat. Or in some cases they increase their misguided behaviour.  What do the parents do?  

Nothing! 

No action to back their words up.  They usually just repeat some inane threat that the child completely ignores by continuing to do just exactly what he or she wants. 

What is the problem?  The problem is not the child, the problem is the parent.  Idle threats with no consequences!  In fact, if they heardsomeone else saying the things that they have just said, they would laugh at how ridiculous it sounds.  The child knows that their Mummy or Daddy is not going to walk the talk.  They have learned that their parent’s yes is not a yes and their no does not mean no.

Why do parents do this?

One reason they give is they are afraid of the consequences of correcting their child in public, in case someone reports them to social services as an unfit parent.  There are a number of flaws in this argument. Firstly, if you don’t teach your child to be obedient to your authority, they will most likely get you into a situation at some point in their life, where you will have to deal with the authorities regarding the appropriateness of their behaviour. Secondly, it is basically a mirror image of the lack of authority and respect that exists in the home.  Thirdly, it shows a mistaken idea that obedience is acquired through physical punishment, such as a smack on the backside.

To cultivate obedience in your child you need to walk the talk. You need to act on your words and to do that consistently. Did I say consistently?  Yes!  Consistently!  If you are inconsistent, you lose the effectiveness of what you are trying to accomplish. A child needs your consistency in saying what you will do and then doing it. If you are going to shape their behaviour and ultimately their attitudes, you will only do it through consistently backing up your words with action.


(excerpt from Chapter 3 of 24 Secrets to Great Parenting, Pg. 21)
(image courtesy of Vichaya Kiatying-Angsulee/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)



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Are You Listening?

15/11/2013

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When I was a young man, I was often complemented on what a good listener I was.  To me it was important if someone was speaking to me that I really focused on what they said.  I was very present and alert.  I often wondered how people could not really listen to someone speaking to them.  As I have gotten older and older I have had more and more on my mind.  I know it is hard to believe that a man could multitask but my career has forced me to keep many plates in the air spinning at the same time.  What I have found is that although I’m there in a room with family I’m not necessarily present.  I have had to start practising the discipline of being present.

What do I mean by that?  When members of the family are arriving for a visit, I have to purposefully stop what I am doing and in essence close up shop in my mind.  If I allow business to go on as usual, I will be sitting with the family not really listening.  At times all I could think of was getting back on the computer to check this idea out or write an email to resolve some situation.  I have heard the family laughing and then realized I haven’t got a clue what was said that was so funny.  Bonnie and I now have a little pact where I go through a ritual of laying everything down before the children arrive so that I am present.

In one home we visited the children only spoke to their mother at dinner even though their father was at the table too.  He would say something, they would look at him and then turn back to their mother and address her.  I asked the parents about this phenomenon after dinner.  The father said it was his fault.  Over the years even though he was there in body at dinner in his mind he was totally preoccupied.  The children had learned this and only talked to their mother who was present in mind and body.

Our presence is so essential to our children.  It reinforces their sense of worth and value.  Your body being in the house does not tell them that you love them.  You need to be engaged with them.  The old saying that children need to be seen but not heard is ridiculous.  It so undervalues a human being.  We need to be supportive, encouraging and actually reading between the lines for nuances of problems that our children are having.  This takes concentration.  I know what it is like to have so many different thoughts and needs spinning around in my head.  But I have found that when I actually put them aside the break and the good company refresh me.  I am in a better place to deal with all the pressing matters after a break with the family than if I kept on working.  Try it, you’ll find it pays dividends.




(image courtesy of Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Choices

8/11/2013

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Do you have a strong willed child?  One who says no to everything you ask them to do?  Does your child fight you on going to bed or other things? 

Are you tired of fighting them?  Are you at a loss of what to do next?

Have you considered giving them a choice?  Instead of telling them what to do and initiating the fight why not give them well-selected choices.  We used to say to the children you can go outside or you can go to your room and read.  What do you want to do? 

Very recently I heard of a mother who was so tired of fighting their little boy over going to bed she just didn’t know what to do.  A friend suggested giving him a choice.  So she said to him at bedtime, ‘Do you want to run upstairs for bed or do you want me to give you a piggyback instead?’  He immediately said ‘piggyback ride”, jumped on her back and went happily to bed.  His mother was so surprised that something so easy worked so well.

It’s actually good practise.  You are training them to make good decisions.  If they can’t decide for themselves whether they will have a fish burger or a chicken burger or to go outside or stay inside, how will they make more serious decisions when they get bigger.  We had 4 children, one who knew instantly what she wanted to eat, the others um-ed and aw-ed for awhile before they finally decided.  It was at times painfully slow but they learned to ask for what they wanted.  Small decisions are the basis for learning to make more significant ones.

Coaching works on this principle.  People will follow through on what they decide to do.  You can offer excellent suggestions and advice to someone but unless it is their idea they won’t follow through.  So it is with children too.  If you give them some options to choose from, they will happily follow through on their choice.

Why not give it a try?
(image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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I SAID!!!

1/11/2013

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When I trained to be a teacher a number of the professors emphasized over and over again that yelling at the students would lose its effectiveness if used too often.  The students are no longer shocked by the raised voice.  It becomes the norm and they simply ignore it.  While if this happens in school, it will happen at home too.

Do you feel your children are ignoring your requests?  Do you feel frustrated?  Could it be you have numbed them to your voice by yelling too much?  What do you sound like?  What do your kids sound like?  Why don’t you try recording your family interaction either with a video or audio device?  We all have phones now that can do both.  You might be surprised at how often you raise your voice in regard to talking to your children.  If your children yell often, you have an indicator of what you are doing.  Where would they have learned it?  Who modelled it for them?

Volume rarely motivates action.  Most of the time a small, still voice will be more effective.  They need to quieten down to hear you.  Initially it may not happen but if you speak softly and carry out your words they will tune in to what you are saying.  If you quietly say ‘stop colouring there’ and there is no response, then remove the crayons, move them to another spot and redirect their activity.  If you say ‘it is time to get off the computer’ and they ignore you, then go to the computer and shut it down.  If you say ‘time for bed, go get your pyjamas on’ and they don’t, then take them by the hand to their room and help them change.  Sure they may kick up a fuss but don’t give in.  The longer you have yelled at them without any consequences the longer it will take to change a habit.  Consistency is a parent’s best friend. 

You may not like the effort it takes to be consistent in changing from a loud yell to a soft voice but it was consistently using a loud voice that got you into this place.  Consistency works to reinforce either good or poor behaviour.  Use it to effectively bring about positive change.

Do you want change?  Are you tired of their unresponsiveness?  Frustrated?  Well, we need to look at the things we can change that will bring a positive response.  Only we can do that.
(image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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    Jim Inkster

    Hi guys, this is where we do the talking!

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