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It Wasn’t Me!

17/12/2012

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Today I was looking for our chequebooks, which are really rapidly becoming dinosaurs.  I simply could not arrange a bank or Internet transfer so had to relate to this old, antiquated means of exchanging money.  I couldn’t find the chequebook.  I had looked through all the papers I had brought with me from the UK.  I went through our folders for important documents like passports.  Nothing! 

I was frustrated as this was really important and I wanted to send it today.  I asked Bonnie and she said I think I saw it in your sock drawer.  Of course she found it immediately.  I was really annoyed with myself as it was my safety precaution.  I mean what robber would ever look in your sock drawer for valuables?

Bonnie handed it to me as she went into the bathroom.  I followed her into the room.  She caught my expression in the mirror and responded; “Don’t look at me with that tone of voice.  It wasn’t me that hid it in his sock drawer.”   Dang!  Caught again!

There is something really deep in the psyche of men, at least this one, which wants to blame the women.  You know when you’re late for an engagement and the man says, ‘I was waiting in the car for my wife’.  The bible story of creation says Adam, the first man, blamed his wife first and then God for his disobedience.  He said to God that it was the woman who God gave to him that made him sin.  Double whammy of stupidity!  Nothing has really changed since then.

If we aren’t blaming our wives for what has happened we are blaming God.  Someone gets seriously ill and we blame God.  Or we have personal financial problems and its God’s fault.  It is a very strange thing to do when you don’t believe in God and equally not a very wise thing to do if you do believe in Him.  But that’s what men do. 

In the story of creation Adam could have taken responsibility for what he did wrong but he didn’t.  According to the bible everything went down hill from there for mankind.  As much as it seems intrinsic to our nature to blame women for our shortcomings I think we, men, can rise above this tendency by taking responsibility for situations of our own creating. 

If we don’t accept responsibility, how can we be surprised when our wives become embittered or angry towards us?  How would you like to be blamed for something that you didn’t do?  It really isn’t very honouring to blame your wife for being late.  It may seem like a small and simple thing so where’s the harm in it.  But if you pile up enough small offences you will soon have a mountain that will eventually result in an avalanche of emotional distress.

Harmony in marriage would vastly improve if we, men, took responsibility for our actions.  Thank goodness for forgiveness!

(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Words

13/12/2012

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Unexpectedly this Sunday I was privileged to be at a meeting where a group of ladies from a home for recovery from drug and alcohol addictions danced and spoke about their lives.  I was amazed at how frankly honest they were about what led up to their addiction and their recovery.  They shared about their trials, their attempts to get free, their failures and their successes.  I was deeply moved by each individual’s story. 

One woman told us that she had been told repeatedly from a small girl that she was ugly.  On top of that her abuser told her not only was she ugly but that this was all she was good for.  From there it was a spiral downwards accelerated by this massive sense of worthlessness.  In her late 30s she was now finding a sense of self-worth and personal acceptance but those words were still stinging in her ears.  When she shared this, tears came to my eyes as I felt her pain and anguish.  I wanted to roar at the top of my lungs: “No little girl should ever hear those words!”  I thought of my own lovely daughters with the bows and ribbons in their hair, the frilly lacy dresses and fancy shoes twirling about the house basking in daddy’s approval for they were his princesses. 

It is hard to believe the devastation that is wrought through one word.  It doesn’t have to be the word “ugly”.  That’s only one of many negative and life-sapping words.  “You can’t do it” or “you’re a pain” or “you’ll always be a failure” or “don’t be stupid” are words full of devastation.  These words can be carelessly tossed out, said in what is supposed to be humour or spoken with hatred or deep-seated resentment.  No matter what the motive the wound is just as deep.  They work like viruses of the soul, weakening the confidence and hope, multiplying until the soul is overwhelmed with weakness and despair.  The drugs or alcohol are all escape mechanisms.  If I can’t hear it anymore, if it’s all blurred, if I’m wasted, then I find some relief from the pain and torment.

I’m not a counsellor or drug and alcohol therapist.  I just know the power of negative words.  My self-worth was hammered consistently throughout my school years until I was desperate for success and despairing that it wouldn’t happen.  I wasn’t physically abused but I had my share of verbal abuse.  No matter how well I did in school I couldn’t please the most important man on earth.  I learned to build different protection mechanisms to cope with life.  Maybe if I hadn’t met Bonnie, I would have ended up there.  I am so thankful that someone who knew the power of words came into my life.  Out of her mouth flowed words of affirmation and love, a true testimony to her upbringing for you can’t give what you haven’t received.  It takes many more positive words to undo the effect of one negative.

As parents we can shape a life so easily one way or the other through the power of our words.  We are writing the future of our children upon their souls with the words we most consistently say to them.  We can write greatness starting with three simple words – I love you!
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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I Ate the Whole Thing

4/12/2012

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Bonnie and I have been helping her parents in Canada for the last few months.  Dad and Mom are on their own at 90 and 87 years of age respectively.  A bout in the hospital raised the yellow flags that something needed to be done.  They are doing well now but have provided some interesting insights on relationship and communication.

As a result my last blog inspired by Bonnie’s mother was about understanding what someone is actually saying.  We often just assume we know what the other person means and can be quite wrong.  But poor communication isn’t limited to mix ups in cultural interpretations or word meanings.  It can be hugely aggravated by other factors like not listening.

The other day we were talking with her parents about going on a road trip to Vancouver Island.  There was a great debate over the logistics of the trip.  Would Dad be up to more than 3 days away from home?  Would they fly down and drive back or vice-versa?  Did they want to pay the cost of the flights?  When that issue was settled the reality that they might actually be committed to going sunk in.  At that point Bonnie’s mother brought forth another litany of problems.

She asked Dad if they even owned a suitcase.  He said, “Nope!”  She responded, “Are you sure?”  To which he said, “Yeah, yeah, I am.  I ate it!”  At which point the three of us said, “What?”  He grinned and said, “Yep!  I ate the whole thing!” 

The TV had been on, although muted, and he was facing it.  I am sure he had no idea what we were talking about.  But the suitcase-eating carnivore finished off the possibility of them accompanying us on our trip. 

Friends showed us a video series by Mark Gungor called Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage. (http://www.laughyourway.com)  In the first DVD he was talking about the differences between the male and female brain.  Mark at one point suggested that wives needed to make sure they had the absolute attention of their husband if they were going to tell him something important.  He said if the man is doing something he may say he is listening but he’s not.  You have to get eye contact for the words to actually sink in.  If this doesn’t happen, he may acknowledge he heard you but he didn’t.  Don’t be deceived by the “yah, yah!” or the “grunting” acknowledgement.

For the sake of clarity asked the person you are conversing with to repeat what they heard you say.  If they can, great!  If they can’t, don’t belittle them! Simply repeat it again and ask them to clarify what they heard.  This way you can both be on the same page and there will be more harmony at home.  
(images provided courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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    Jim Inkster

    Hi guys, this is where we do the talking!

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