Having addressed affirmation and affection in bringing change, we need to talk about respect. As the previous post stated we face their disobedience and rebellion to our authority as a loving parent sometimes on a daily basis. Their actions don’t speak highly of respect for who we are and so the thought of showing them respect seems ridiculous. Why would we do that and how?
Generally speaking respect is earned. It is not simply given because the position demands it. This is true in all relationships whether in marriage, at work, in the armed forces or in friendships. Our character and actions will earn us the respect of our spouses, partners, and colleagues. A failure in moral character can strip respect away very, very quickly. But in relationship to children, we need to teach them respect. One of the ways of doing this is to care about how we correct them. As parents we often correct their actions in front of others without a thought to how they feel. We think they are children and won’t be embarrassed by our actions. But they can feel deeply embarrassed by being corrected in front of others. Some children appear to be thicker skinned than others when it comes to this. They may seem to just shake the correction off and continue unperturbed along their way. But appearances can be deceiving. They will feel the sting of shame and correction too. It’s just buried deeper than the other children who respond more sensitively to a lack of respect.
Have you ever noticed when there are two or more children in a family and one of them gets corrected in front of the others what happens? For example Mommy is exasperated by the amount of chocolate that one of them just ate before dinner. She’s correcting them with the ‘I told you not to blah, blah, blah’ monologue when one of the other children chirps into the conversation or is simply present watching. Immediately, the one being corrected turns on the other child and a verbal fight breaks out between them. Now Mommy doesn’t only have one child she is chiding but two that are in a full on shouting match. It is escalating out of hand and the original correction is lost in the scuffle. What happened? The child being corrected deeply resents the other child’s presence in this situation. They are embarrassed! Because they are mortified in front of the other child they lash out to cover up their shame.
This feeling of injustice and disrespect can lead to ‘tattling’ on one another. While you are trying to change their actions, they tell on the other to throw you off the track. Misdirection can take the heat and the embarrassment off of them. What they say may not be truly accurate either, which will undermine the respect of the siblings one for the other. Your respect for them will teach them how to respect others.
To effect positive change in behaviour we need to extend respect to the person being corrected. Respect can be extended by not singling one of the children out in front of the others. Show them respect by correcting them alone. You may find in the heat of the moment that it is inconvenient to draw them aside but don’t say anything negative. Hold it and resist the temptation to speak it out. Tell them you will speak to them about what they have done later. As soon as you can, take them aside and talk to them. This will clear the air and does not leave them hanging imaging the worst-case scenarios.
When you do draw them aside, use the ‘praise sandwich’. Affirm them, tell them you love them, and then tell them what upset you. Finish your conversation with love both spoken and felt. Remember it is because you love them that you are taking the time and effort to shape them into young people whom others want to associate with. Extend that love by respecting how you correct them while you correct them.
(image courtesy of Grant Cochrane/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)
Generally speaking respect is earned. It is not simply given because the position demands it. This is true in all relationships whether in marriage, at work, in the armed forces or in friendships. Our character and actions will earn us the respect of our spouses, partners, and colleagues. A failure in moral character can strip respect away very, very quickly. But in relationship to children, we need to teach them respect. One of the ways of doing this is to care about how we correct them. As parents we often correct their actions in front of others without a thought to how they feel. We think they are children and won’t be embarrassed by our actions. But they can feel deeply embarrassed by being corrected in front of others. Some children appear to be thicker skinned than others when it comes to this. They may seem to just shake the correction off and continue unperturbed along their way. But appearances can be deceiving. They will feel the sting of shame and correction too. It’s just buried deeper than the other children who respond more sensitively to a lack of respect.
Have you ever noticed when there are two or more children in a family and one of them gets corrected in front of the others what happens? For example Mommy is exasperated by the amount of chocolate that one of them just ate before dinner. She’s correcting them with the ‘I told you not to blah, blah, blah’ monologue when one of the other children chirps into the conversation or is simply present watching. Immediately, the one being corrected turns on the other child and a verbal fight breaks out between them. Now Mommy doesn’t only have one child she is chiding but two that are in a full on shouting match. It is escalating out of hand and the original correction is lost in the scuffle. What happened? The child being corrected deeply resents the other child’s presence in this situation. They are embarrassed! Because they are mortified in front of the other child they lash out to cover up their shame.
This feeling of injustice and disrespect can lead to ‘tattling’ on one another. While you are trying to change their actions, they tell on the other to throw you off the track. Misdirection can take the heat and the embarrassment off of them. What they say may not be truly accurate either, which will undermine the respect of the siblings one for the other. Your respect for them will teach them how to respect others.
To effect positive change in behaviour we need to extend respect to the person being corrected. Respect can be extended by not singling one of the children out in front of the others. Show them respect by correcting them alone. You may find in the heat of the moment that it is inconvenient to draw them aside but don’t say anything negative. Hold it and resist the temptation to speak it out. Tell them you will speak to them about what they have done later. As soon as you can, take them aside and talk to them. This will clear the air and does not leave them hanging imaging the worst-case scenarios.
When you do draw them aside, use the ‘praise sandwich’. Affirm them, tell them you love them, and then tell them what upset you. Finish your conversation with love both spoken and felt. Remember it is because you love them that you are taking the time and effort to shape them into young people whom others want to associate with. Extend that love by respecting how you correct them while you correct them.
(image courtesy of Grant Cochrane/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)
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