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Can I Get a Little Respect Around Here?

28/4/2014

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Having addressed affirmation and affection in bringing change, we need to talk about respect.  As the previous post stated we face their disobedience and rebellion to our authority as a loving parent sometimes on a daily basis.  Their actions don’t speak highly of respect for who we are and so the thought of showing them respect seems ridiculous.  Why would we do that and how?

Generally speaking respect is earned.  It is not simply given because the position demands it.  This is true in all relationships whether in marriage, at work, in the armed forces or in friendships.  Our character and actions will earn us the respect of our spouses, partners, and colleagues.  A failure in moral character can strip respect away very, very quickly.  But in relationship to children, we need to teach them respect.  One of the ways of doing this is to care about how we correct them.  As parents we often correct their actions in front of others without a thought to how they feel.  We think they are children and won’t be embarrassed by our actions.  But they can feel deeply embarrassed by being corrected in front of others.  Some children appear to be thicker skinned than others when it comes to this.  They may seem to just shake the correction off and continue unperturbed along their way.  But appearances can be deceiving.  They will feel the sting of shame and correction too.  It’s just buried deeper than the other children who respond more sensitively to a lack of respect.

Have you ever noticed when there are two or more children in a family and one of them gets corrected in front of the others what happens?  For example Mommy is exasperated by the amount of chocolate that one of them just ate before dinner.  She’s correcting them with the ‘I told you not to blah, blah, blah’ monologue when one of the other children chirps into the conversation or is simply present watching.  Immediately, the one being corrected turns on the other child and a verbal fight breaks out between them.  Now Mommy doesn’t only have one child she is chiding but two that are in a full on shouting match.  It is escalating out of hand and the original correction is lost in the scuffle.  What happened?  The child being corrected deeply resents the other child’s presence in this situation.  They are embarrassed!  Because they are mortified in front of the other child they lash out to cover up their shame.

This feeling of injustice and disrespect can lead to ‘tattling’ on one another.  While you are trying to change their actions, they tell on the other to throw you off the track.  Misdirection can take the heat and the embarrassment off of them.  What they say may not be truly accurate either, which will undermine the respect of the siblings one for the other.  Your respect for them will teach them how to respect others.

To effect positive change in behaviour we need to extend respect to the person being corrected.  Respect can be extended by not singling one of the children out in front of the others.  Show them respect by correcting them alone. You may find in the heat of the moment that it is inconvenient to draw them aside but don’t say anything negative.  Hold it and resist the temptation to speak it out.  Tell them you will speak to them about what they have done later.  As soon as you can, take them aside and talk to them.  This will clear the air and does not leave them hanging imaging the worst-case scenarios.   

When you do draw them aside, use the ‘praise sandwich’.  Affirm them, tell them you love them, and then tell them what upset you.  Finish your conversation with love both spoken and felt.  Remember it is because you love them that you are taking the time and effort to shape them into young people whom others want to associate with.  Extend that love by respecting how you correct them while you correct them.
(image courtesy of Grant Cochrane/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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The Power of a Hug

21/4/2014

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The role of affirmation, affection and respect is vitally important in bringing changes to your children’s behaviour.  Having come to agreement with your partner over the changes that are going to be instigated, having had the meeting with your children to explain the changes and having initiated the first action followed by the introduction of a star chart, you are well on your way to positive change.  Remember to keep praising and affirming your children.  It will bring you rewards in more areas than the one you are focusing on.  You are building self-confidence within them. 

The power of affection is incredible in bringing changes.  A gentle touch upon the arm, a warm smile, a hug and soft gentle words are the desire of every child.  They want to feel loved not just be told that they are loved.  When you extend love through tenderness of voice and touch, your children will feel the love.  They desire to know they are loved and important to you.

Unfortunately what often happens within the family dynamics is the situation may get so out of hand that you find it particularly hard to feel love for one or more of your children.  Their attitude and rebelliousness may have been grinding upon your soul for a long time.  The constant battle and the disrespect for your words can build a wall of bitter feelings.  You find yourself in a real dilemma.  You love your children deeply but you resent them as well.  It is very hard to extend tender loving touches to someone who has been so irritating and rebellious in relationship to you. 

This is a difficult thing to acknowledge to yourself let alone anyone else.  There is the embarrassment and sense of failure associated with feeling this way.  ‘How can I feel this way towards my own child?’  Ignoring your feelings does not make them go away.  Others, including your children, can tell you are unhappy with them.  It’s communicated through your tone of voice, choice of expressions and lack of gentle touch.  At this point you have a choice: you can go on pretending that all is well and have the bitterness undermine your love for your child, or you can acknowledge to yourself the level of resentment you feel and then forgive them as well as yourself.  Forgiveness creates a fresh start.  It won’t immediately stop the behaviour that has wounded you but it allows you to start again and reach out in love.  Oh, yes, you will feel hurt again and again by your child’s actions but forgiveness will allow you to show them love.  Remember they are children and they truly don’t know what they are doing when they are young.  They are not out to get you back for not loving them.  They are simply self-centred.  But love truly does conquer.  If you combine love with praise, you will see changes.   
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Somebody Praise Me!

14/4/2014

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In the whole arena of behaviour change the most important key is agreement between the parents or caregivers.  This is crucial.  If you aren’t in agreement you will not be consistent in your actions, standards and practises.  Children are masters of the ‘divide and conquer’ strategy.  To bring change you must agree together on what you want to do and the importance of following through.

Having decided what you want to change then, there are three things that are essential for bringing effective change – affirmation, affection and respect.  Let’s say the area you have chosen to change is the “mess”: toys, books, clothes, dishes, papers and shoes everywhere.  If you have three children, as an example, start with one area of the house, probably their room.  Have a calm, cool and collected meeting with your children explaining to them that you and your partner have come to an agreement over the ‘mess’ the house has been in.  If you have tried to correct it and not been consistent, you can explain that this has happened up until now.  You may want to apologize to them for not keeping your word regarding tidying the house (obviously optional to you).  Tell them that now from this day forward we are going to work on keeping your room tidy.  (If necessary, buy supplies like storage bins, staplers, hangars or whatever is required to facilitate the chore.  If there is nowhere to put their stuff, then the task will be impossible.)  Tell them how much you appreciate them and love them (affection-affirmation), express to them your confidence in their abilities to organise and sort their possessions (affirmation) and that you know they can do it (respect).

It is so important at this time that you affirm them positively.  You do not want to point out what isn’t done but what is.  So when they clean their room up for the first time, help them so that they are not overwhelmed with the task.  Make it fun.  Every time they pick something up and put it away, praise them effusively (go over the top).  It may feel completely strange and unnatural but do it anyway.  They will love it.  Remember that at this point the issue is to encourage.  If they miss picking something up or they are getting off track, don’t jump on their actions instead help them.  Affirm them, affirm them, affirm them!  Praise will bring positive responses.

Follow through with the one change for at least a month before you look at bringing anything new into the picture.  You want to reinforce the behaviour with positive affirmation and consistency.   Consistency will create good practises and habits in your children.

After the first initial step of organizing, you can use a praise sandwich to bring correction.  If you see there is something they are not doing, start the conversation with something positive like ‘Wow, your room is looking so good, you’re doing a great job, I’m so proud of you.”  Then say, if its clothes that aren’t being put in the laundry bin, something like ‘Do you think you could put the clothes on the floor in the laundry bin if they are dirty, or the dresser if they are clean?”  Then come back with how wonderful their room is and what a great job they are doing.  Bless them.  Tell them they are great.  Make the necessary change incidental not primary in the conversation.  They will make the change easily as they are feeling good about themselves. 

The emphasis needs to be on the positive, what’s been achieved, how happy you are with them and what a good job they are doing.  They will respond to any correction easily as it does not emphasize failure or unhappiness.  Praise and affirmation work miracles in bringing about change.


(image courtesy of StuartMiles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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The Stick Of Fate (by Toby Willmott, our son in law)

30/1/2014

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We were late.

LATE late.

I was freaking out. Not only was I unemployed, I was 24 and I had not yet learned to drive. I did not have the necessary skill to transport my own wife to the hospital. That is about as emasculating as a fact gets. Even if we did manage to take a bus ride over that particular speed bump that left the secondary issue of the fact that I did not want to have a kid. Not yet.

It was time to consult the white stick of fate. As we waited for its decision, I could feel my life of leisure balancing on a precipice, and I was sure it was going to edge over into oblivion. Then the stick of fate wrote those sweet words.

Not pregnant.

You see, life without kids is bloody great. This is something everybody knows. If you are a parent then you know because you remember how bloody great it was. If you don’t have kids, then you know because your life is bloody great. Despite this, there often comes a point in a couple’s life together when one of their respective brains decides that it is time to abandon all reason and continue the human race. This has been happening all around us for a long time, and we have managed to stay cool, but then one day my wife wanted a baby yesterday. It was still not a good time, because as my brain was quick to point out, we were still in debt from my prior unemployment and my current income could never cover what we needed if we did have a baby.

Also I still couldn't drive.

Then a couple of years later, life had changed. I was working for myself, we were working our way out of debt and I was working my way out of excuses. So after a lot of discussion, we stopped trying to not have a kid.

I was ready to have a tiny Toby in my life, however with each month that passed without a 
pregnancy I did not feel disappointment. Instead I felt quiet relief. The stick of fate had granted me another four weeks of lying in every day, haircuts, swearing during daylight hours and all the other delights of a childless life. This was until one morning in January. I was shaken awake and there, being waved at an inappropriate distance from my mouth, was the stick of fate.

Pregnant.

1-2 weeks.

Bloody great.

The bun was in the oven. The train had left the station. The toothpaste was out of the tube. I had to go on a long drive to think about things. I had to listen to a Snow Patrol* album.  This was because the knowledge of this new life was a death knell to my old one. I found myself 
pining for the things I hadn’t done before we decided to have kids. Debt had been holding me back from many of them and now, just as it had started to get out of my way, something else had taken its place.

I was surprised at what happened in me after this. As the dreams I’d had before were forced to fade away, I found that my new dreams were even bigger. I realised that instead of looking back, I was now looking ahead to a life full of even greater possibility. I could feel it in front of me, it was like a wave rising up and I was ready to turn around and ride it. I found myself full of creative energy. I had new business ideas. I had new ideas for writing. I exercised more than ever. I started reading a self help book about success. Doubt gave way to hope and many of my concerns dulled in the light of the love I felt for my unborn child. I was going to be a dad and it was going to be great.

Then... (to read more click here) 




(image courtesy of renjith krishnan/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Are You Listening?

15/11/2013

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When I was a young man, I was often complemented on what a good listener I was.  To me it was important if someone was speaking to me that I really focused on what they said.  I was very present and alert.  I often wondered how people could not really listen to someone speaking to them.  As I have gotten older and older I have had more and more on my mind.  I know it is hard to believe that a man could multitask but my career has forced me to keep many plates in the air spinning at the same time.  What I have found is that although I’m there in a room with family I’m not necessarily present.  I have had to start practising the discipline of being present.

What do I mean by that?  When members of the family are arriving for a visit, I have to purposefully stop what I am doing and in essence close up shop in my mind.  If I allow business to go on as usual, I will be sitting with the family not really listening.  At times all I could think of was getting back on the computer to check this idea out or write an email to resolve some situation.  I have heard the family laughing and then realized I haven’t got a clue what was said that was so funny.  Bonnie and I now have a little pact where I go through a ritual of laying everything down before the children arrive so that I am present.

In one home we visited the children only spoke to their mother at dinner even though their father was at the table too.  He would say something, they would look at him and then turn back to their mother and address her.  I asked the parents about this phenomenon after dinner.  The father said it was his fault.  Over the years even though he was there in body at dinner in his mind he was totally preoccupied.  The children had learned this and only talked to their mother who was present in mind and body.

Our presence is so essential to our children.  It reinforces their sense of worth and value.  Your body being in the house does not tell them that you love them.  You need to be engaged with them.  The old saying that children need to be seen but not heard is ridiculous.  It so undervalues a human being.  We need to be supportive, encouraging and actually reading between the lines for nuances of problems that our children are having.  This takes concentration.  I know what it is like to have so many different thoughts and needs spinning around in my head.  But I have found that when I actually put them aside the break and the good company refresh me.  I am in a better place to deal with all the pressing matters after a break with the family than if I kept on working.  Try it, you’ll find it pays dividends.




(image courtesy of Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Affirming Gifts and Interests

26/9/2013

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Last weekend Bonnie and I presented a parenting seminar.  During Bonnie’s talk on affirmation I had an “aha!” moment.  She said the word “affirm” means to state something as true or to state your support for.  It’s a verb – an action word.  To affirm someone you have to say something.  It’s no use thinking they are lovely if you don’t tell them they are.  The power in affirmation is released when you speak to the person. 

It also means to validate as true or confirm as a fact.  Related words are “announce, broadcast, support or confirm”.  So you declare to the person their worth and value.  You tell them you love them that they are wonderful and lovely, that you think the world of them and that there isn’t anything they can’t do.  Some people say to be so liberal in praise will spoil the child that you will make them think more highly of themselves than they ought to.  Ah, to the contrary, my dear reader, to the contrary.  Praise builds self-confidence. To not praise them is to aid in undermining their confidence.  For the world is full of people who do not love your children and will take great glee in telling them what they can’t do and how useless they are. 

One of the areas Bonnie specifically said to affirm was their gifts and talents.  It was in this area that the revelation came.  I was thinking about affirming their gifts and how it would lead them to make life decisions based on what they are good at and really enjoy doing.  So many people are pursuing careers that they don’t enjoy but feel its what they must do to support themselves.  One young man I know took a degree in film and cinema.  I asked him if he was going to pursue employment in this field.  He told me that he wasn’t, that it was time to grow up and get a real job.  Hmm, tell that to Stephen Spielberg or George Lucas!  They seem to have done quite well with their fantasy careers.  Wikipedia says Spielberg’s net worth is $3.2 billion.  What if his parents had said, ‘Stephen, grow up, get your head out of the clouds and get a real job’?

I think we are afraid to get their hopes up in case they aren’t as good as someone else.  Well, the reality is there will always be someone better that you.  Usain Bolt is the fastest man in the world at this time but someone will eventually beat his records.  Does that stop him from doing what he’s good at?  What if your child loves to run but can’t match world record times?  Do you discourage them?  No, you keep on encouraging them.  If they love to do it, they may go into coaching athletes.  Often the best athletes do not make the best coaches. 

The point is there is life-giving energy for them in pursuing what they are gifted and talented in.  The national news said a survey indicated that 40% of Canadians had their dream job but 60% of them would still quit if they won the lottery.  I think 60% of them are kidding themselves.  If they really loved using what they are gifted at, they wouldn’t quit because they won the lottery.  They might change how they’re doing what they’re doing but they would still do it.  Why?  Because it’s what their made for.  Let’s help encourage our children to do what they really love for the rest of their lives.

(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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No Regrets

19/9/2013

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This week I celebrated my youngest son’s 30th birthday with him and his family.  I was talking to him about how much has happened in these years.  I distinctly and clearly remember the delivery, the first time I held him, bringing him home, the nursery, the look in his eyes and many more things.  Then I thought of him in school and all the plays and concerts he performed in.  The musical training, the sports, the graduation ceremonies all passed through my mind as did his romance and wedding. 

It is especially potent and touching in light of his wife being so close to her due date with their second child.  It is some times hard to believe!

I said to him that he sits before me as a testimony to his 30 years and yet it seems like yesterday when I sat in that hospital.  The closest thing I could relate it to is the experience of how you feel during an accident.  Everything seems to happen clearly and slowly, yet you couldn’t stop it or take the simplest action to avert it.  Afterwards you think, “Did I just miss it because I didn’t move or was it really that quick that I couldn’t?"  

I said to him the years seemed to pass slowly and yet here he is as a father soon to experience what I have.  When your children are young, you can be in a hurry to get them to the next stage and then the one after that.  You can be racing them through life with lessons and practises and running to this game and that event without taking the time to enjoy them.  Do you ever think, “Oh no, not another parent – teacher meeting or another school concert or another game to watch”?  If you do, you could be wearing yourself thin rushing through life without really enjoying it. 

My advice from my present perspective to you, parents of dependent children, is to slow down and enjoy the moment.  Watch them.  Observe their actions, meditate on their comments and write a book of remembrance.  Praise them for who they are, in fact… be very lavish with your praise.  Your words will far outlast anything else you do.  Make them sweet and life giving, for you are building their hope for their future.   
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Passing of the Baton

3/9/2013

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This weekend our extended family celebrated the life of Ed Alexander.  His children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews paid homage to a wonderful father, Bopa (grandfather) and uncle.  The testimonies of his giving, encouraging and wisdom were awesome.  Personally he was a great mentor and fount of wise counsel.  

I have always been impacted at memorials and funerals of how highly people think of the deceased.  In one case it was unsure whether he had committed suicide or suffered an unfortunate accident.  At his memorial the praise for his life and character were overwhelming.  I thought at the time if we had only said these things to him while he was alive would he have died such an untimely death.  

As my wife’s parents are moving into their 90s I decided I would tell them while they were alive how much they meant to me.  Some times it is not easy to speak to people directly and tell them how much you love them and appreciate all they have done for you and your family.  It was quite emotionally charged for me and I fought back tears as I spoke.  They were blessed and a little stunned.  Dad said thank you and then does that mean we’re going to die soon?  

All too often we are quick to be critical and sarcastic to one another.  Yet the criticism seems so petty in light of someone’s passing.  I allow the irritation of some little quirk or difference in values to get up my nose and drive me crazy.  But in light of a person entering eternity it is so insignificant.

As people testified to Ed’s character it was so obvious that his ability to speak positively, to encourage, to press through adversity, and to hug far out shone his shortcomings.  The impact of his praise shaped character and gave life.  The final message was about his legacy and how it would carry on.  Brian, his son in-law, said many wrote cards of how he encouraged them through difficult times.  He asked what could we do to extend that legacy?  We answered encourage others.  Others wrote how generous he had been giving more money than they expected.  Again he asked how could we extend Ed’s legacy?  We said to be generous.  

I bless Ed for his life and impact upon my family and me.  I will try to extend his legacy so others may speak words of commendation when my time comes too.

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Too Fast, Just Way Too Fast

3/8/2013

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Over the last two weeks I have been very nostalgic about our children.  They are all married and 3 out of the 4 have children.  There is no shortage of grandchildren.  But for some reason I have been thinking about the children when they were small, from toddlers to almost teens.  I miss that time.  Maybe it has to do with being at a summer resort and seeing all the children with their parents.  A friend of ours said to us when we were expecting our first child that after a time we would wonder what it was like to not have children.  It’s true.  In fact it’s probably tougher to go back to being a couple without kids than it was to adjust to having children.

So why do we become parents?  What stirs us to want them?  Is it maternal and paternal instinct?  What causes us to desire to sacrifice our lives for another?  What is it that causes us to so desire a baby that we would give up everything for one of them?  What is it that breaks our heart when we can’t have one?  I don’t know, it just seems to happen to you.

I can remember when we decided we would start a family.  We had fun trying but there was no pregnancy.  We were way too impatient but even so we went to the doctor to ask about adopting.  He asked us to wait until after the summer and then if there were no results he would sign the papers to start the proceedings.  Knowing that we would be able to have a baby probably caused us to relax and in July Bonnie became pregnant.  (I have encouraged many young couples ever since to relax and enjoy the process as they didn’t marry simply to have children.  The results are astounding!) 

At times I was in a rush to grow them up, to get to the next stage.  I needed to put the brakes on and stop to smell the flowers along the way.  My advice to one of my children was to not rush her children through childhood but to enjoy every aspect of it.  It goes by way too fast anyway.

As I look around at the children and parents enjoying the pool and the sunshine I think how lovely that time was.  Please don’t rush it and better yet don’t let any struggles become the main focus of your relationship with them.  They may not clean their room like you wish, they may not excel in school as you wish, they may not be polite at all times but don’t let it rob you of enjoying the time you have with them. 

Your children are a gift to you.  If you don’t believe it, ask any couple who have not been able to have children.  Don’t focus on the negative and miss all the wonderful creativity flowing out of your children.  Focus on who they are and love their differences for their sake and yours.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Emotive Tools 4

30/6/2013

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The other day a friend told us that her granddaughter informed her that the next time grandma came she could bring her any one of these three gifts.  This is a child whose love language is receiving gifts.  She specified what choices were acceptable but also made it clear that a gift was expected. 

After being away on a trip the child that greets you at the door with the comment, ‘Where’s my gift?’ is revealing that his or her love language is receiving gifts.  If you give someone an unexpected gift and they are completely delighted, you’ve probably spoken love to them.

One young man I knew used to buy his wife a bouquet of flowers or a chocolate bar on the way home.  He said it wasn’t the cost but the gift that mattered and it paid dividends.  His wife said her love language was quality time but she was fooling herself.  She lights up when she gets any kind of gift. 

You can see this language clearly at Christmas.  The people who give the most gifts tend to be motivated by this love language.  Any suggestion of taking the money spent on Christmas gifts and buying an ox for a villager in Africa are not taken kindly.

We had friends who didn’t spend time talking to each other.  Their idea of a date night is enrolling in an evening class together where they work on separate projects but sit next to each other.  But when they aren’t feeling loved it is because they haven’t received a gift in what seems like a long time to them.  It may only be a month but that’s devastating for them.

Children who receive love through this language will respond well to a reward system of behaviour modification.  This is where you give them a star on a chart for helpful, correct behaviour.  If their behaviour is negative you take away a star, only rewarding correct behaviour.  At the end of the week if they have been rewarded with a set number of stars you give them a gift.  They will shine with pride when they receive the reward at the end of the time.

If you are still stymied at identifying whether this is your child’s love language, think about whether they are always making you something as a gift.  Do they give you paintings, little toys, share candies without you asking or pick dandelions and bring them to you?  These are children who love through gifts.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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