Category: Assumption

So This Is Christmas…

10/12/2013

How are you doing? Have you entered into the Christmas Spirit yet? Has the snow enhanced it? Or the advertising intensified your concern?

Today we were accosted by a driver who in the spirit of Christmas blasted his car horn and shook his fist at us while speeding into the parking lot of the shopping mall. Bless you too! How does something so wonderful become such a source of aggravation?

We sing peace on earth good will towards men while we curse them for walking too slowly or driving the speed limit. John Lennon’s song, So This Is Christmas, is about stopping war, yet this seems to be the very thing it creates on a very personal level.

The emphasis through the media is happiness, joy, family and warmth of relationship. What is the reality? Are we happy? Does this time foster joy? Is it a great time of family and closeness of relationship? In many cases it is and that’s why we put up with the commercial trappings. But for some people it is a huge disappointment. The hopes spurred on by the media only exaggerate what isn’t there.

The first year I was a minister in a church I was so surprised by the number of parishioners who called for appointments after Christmas. Their main problem was overwhelming disappointment with their family at Christmas. The snide comments from their father were even more hurtful over the holidays. Their mother’s control issues were right in their face. Their hope for blessing a loved one with a well-chosen gift failed. The lack of gratitude for all the effort expended to create a special Christmas day saddened them.

The two weeks after Christmas became a time of facing reality within people’s families. Some prayed and forgave, others continued to labour under the unfulfilled expectations of family, and still others made significant changes to their Christmas plans for the future. We are the only ones who can create a Christmas that truly satisfies our hearts. We can only change our attitude and expectations.

An attitude of gratitude for what we do have goes a long way towards truly enjoying the season of peace on earth and good will to mankind.
(image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Consistently (Part 2)

3/12/2013

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Do you know what the problem is with this advice? The problem is that establishing consistency requires that you act when it is inconvenient and uncomfortable. You have a friend over for coffee and little Lily is drawing on the wall with a crayon. You say, “Stop that or I’ll throw the crayons in the bin.” Oops! Did you say that? You thought that the gravity of that threat might convince her to stop. The problem with this kind of threat is it is unrealistic, punishing both you and your child. If you are going to make your word true, you have to throw a whole box of crayons in the bin. That costs you financially because you will want to replace them later. It costs you the inconvenience, as you will have to go to a store to buy them. It costs you in that your child can no longer do something they may really enjoy and that is a quiet, often solitary, activity. In your child’s eyes it is a very extreme response in relation to what she were doing. It could even be viewed as hurtful in that you are taking such drastic action. This kind of statement really creates a ‘no win’ situation for you. If you don’t follow through, you lose. If you do, you lose.

So your friend is over and you at last have a chance for some adult conversation, some time for yourself. You’re right in the midst of a lovely conversation and Lily is drawing on the wall. I understand what it is like to just want to have some time for you. It will never come if you don’t do something about it now. You need to sacrifice your pleasure now for a far more pleasurable future with your child. Get up from your coffee, walk over to Lily and say in a calm voice, “I don’t want you to colour the wall, Lily.” Take her back to the desk or table or spot where the colouring book is and tell her to colour there. Take action. Do not let it escalate until you are angry or she has done some great amount of damage.

Now we have done enough parenting seminars to know what you are thinking about what we have prescribed. You are thinking, “Right, like Lily is just going to nicely cooperate with me? So, now she is screaming and shouting and kicking her feet. What do I do with that? Seems to me this action has just escalated the problem.” That may happen depending on what level of training your child is at. This will be dealt with in another chapter.

The point of this chapter and the fundamental truth of parenting is to walk your talk. Do something to correct the behaviour and do it consistently day after day. This will produce an incredibly peaceful, well-behaved child. If you ignore this reality, their behaviour will get worse and you will not enjoy their childhood.

(excerpt from Chapter 3 of 24 Secrets to Great Parenting, Pg. 21)

(image courtesy of Photokanok /FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Do You Have a Philosophy?

25/10/2013

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As our children have married and had their own children we thought they would know what to do, that they would raise their children as they were raised. Why would they do it any differently as we did such a great job? In our opinion! But over the last few years they have asked for help. What did we do? What would we do in this situation? It dawned on us that they experienced our philosophy of childrearing and they are the product of it, hopefully also the beneficiaries of it too, but they were not students of it as they grew up. They didn’t study it. They lived it. So now that they are raising children they have to develop their own philosophy.

Do we have a philosophy of childrearing? You betcha! That’s what we share with you in the blogs and is the basis of our book, 24 Secrets to Great Parenting, as well as the DVD, 8 Questions Parents Want Answered.

Bonnie and I spent many hours developing our philosophy over coffee breaks starting even before we had children. We would discuss what we would like to see in our children’s character and behaviour. Sometimes that would be a process of thinking through what we would do as a reaction to what we had just witnessed by some child. We’d say, “I don’t want my child to do that. So what will we do to not have them behave like that? What would be appropriate?” Then we would labour away coming up with ideas and suggestions as to what we might do. The agreed course of action became our philosophy.

Philosophy is not only an academic study devoted to the systematic examination of basic concepts such as truth, existence, reality, causality, and freedom taught at university. It also means a set of beliefs or aims underlying somebody's practice or conduct.

Do you have such a philosophy regarding your children? You don’t have to call it a philosophy to have one. Do you know what you are going to do in different situations? Do you know what character traits you want to establish in your children’s lives? Or is the whole idea a foreign concept to you? Do you think doing the right thing with your children will come naturally like breathing?

Most businesses have a philosophy that they adhere to; it contains their mission and their attitude towards customers. Schools have philosophies that they want to see consistently applied by their staff. In many ways it’s like a manual of good business practises.

I have a friend who ended up as the supervisor of a department in a grocery store. He had never worked in this type of position before, nor had he worked for this company before. When he was unsure of what to do he looked for their operational manual. They didn’t have one as the practises where passed on from manager to staff verbally. If you didn’t work in that particular capacity with the firm, you were clueless as to what they expected or as to what to do. He then set about writing a manual for them to make it easier in the future for new hires that didn’t work their way up the organisation.

If businesses will do this, why wouldn’t we give the time and thought to do the same for our family. Why simply let life happen and hope for the best? Why not take action and create the kind of future you want to see for your family? It truly is worth the time and effort. It’s also good for your marriage by spending time together talking about one of the most important things in your life.
(image courtesy of t0zz @ FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Perspective

13/9/2013

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Our physical position changes completely how we see an event compared to others. Two people can view the same activity and see two different things. If you are on the left side of the field, things will look very different than if you were on the right. I went to a football (soccer) game with my son. We had spectacular seats 4 rows up from the field. The players looked like real human beings not miniatures. I noticed the field appeared to be convex with the sidelines lower than the centre. I never thought anything about it until half time. During the half time break we were discussing how a couple of the players that were very big name stars seemed to do absolutely nothing during the first half. When the game restarted, the teams switched ends of the field. These players had a fantastic second half, involved in all the action. The difference must have been the half time speech of the manager. No, it was the fact they were playing on our side of the field for the last half. The arch in the field was enough to block them from a clear view. We couldn’t see what they were doing due to our perspective.

My father always told me when walking in the woods to stop at regular intervals and look behind you as the perspective of the same area you just walked through would be completely different when you returned. People get lost on walks, as the path does not look like they remembered from going on the outward journey. Believe me it is so true!

This week I returned to England to visit my family and receive my citizenship certificate at a ceremony. I’m now a “dual-ler” as my daughter so nicely put it. When I visited my youngest son’s family, their two-year-old daughter kept her distance from me. She knew who I was, had talked to me many times on Face Time, yet she did not want to get too close. I was a little surprised by this reaction. On the second day of my stay her other grandparents came to visit. We were all standing at the door and they were asking her about me. “Who’s that?” “Grampa.” “Where did he come from?” “Canada.” Then she said: “Grampa big”. I looked down at her, then looked down upon her mother and grandparents and realized that she had no idea how big I was from the screen of a mobile phone. She only comes slightly above my knee. For her I was a skyscraper.

In my education training to be a teacher they taught us to go down to our student’s level to talk to them. One of my supervising teachers was of the opinion that you stand as tall and straight as possible to intimidate them by your presence so that the students knew who was the boss. Their perspective is so different than ours. Things look far bigger to them than they do to us. When I was young, the city I lived in had mountains of snow every winter. But as I got older it was so obvious that we didn’t get snow the way we used to. Must be climate change!

Are we sometimes reacting to our children’s concerns from a wrong perspective? Could we be telling them to suck it up and get on with it when the situation is really intimidating for them? Would it behove (got to love that word! Behoove in N.A.) us to take the time to come down to their level and see things from their perspective once in awhile? Hum!

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Emotive Tools 2

14/6/2013

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Dr Ross Campbell wrote a book on loving your children wherein he said every one of us has a love tank that needs to be filled. He said that if the tank starts to run dry we look for some way to fill it up. This lack of love can make us feel very insecure and desperate. We will even do something negative if it gets us the attention we need.

For example you’re going on a family trip and the days before leaving are hectic with finishing work, packing, making sure everything is taken care of, etc., which disrupts the whole family routine. On the day you are leaving one of your children does something really stupid like punching one of the other children. Your natural reaction may be to deal with the fight like you would at any other time. You might be very angry as you are stressed trying to get everything together to go and then this happens. But have you ever thought it might be a reaction to feeling insecure and unloved? Often the child just wants time with you, even if you are angry. They want to know in the midst of this chaos that you still love them and are there for them. Ideally the best solution is to correct their behaviour while giving them the love they need.

So, what language would you speak to them? You know what physical touch is all about if you read the last blog. What then is involved with acts of service when the person is a child? How would you recognise it?

We have identical twin granddaughters. I believe the one’s love language is acts of service. How did I come to that conclusion? While during one visit this granddaughter was washing the dishes while her sister was painting her nails. This little girl loves to pull up a stool next to her father while he is cooking and to help him cut and chop vegetables or whatever. In fact she gets very upset when he doesn’t wait for her.

So how do you show her love? When it’s acts of service I think a person feels loved when you let them help and/or you help them in what they are doing in service. If she wants to help cook then let her. Don’t do it without her. Do things with the person; don’t leave them to do it on their own.

We hosted a major conference for 1200 people a few years ago. Arriving early before the evening session I saw two men arranging the chairs that had been shuffled around during the afternoon session. I joined them. After a while one of them said to me how much he appreciated me helping them. He thought that it was great that I, the organiser of the event, would help out. He then expressed how hurt he was that others didn’t see the need and help. His love language is acts of service. When he was ministering love to others, he was offended when they didn’t respond in kind.

Another way of showing the person who thrives on acts of service is to do things for them. They may make their spouse a list of things they would like to have done. One fellow I was visiting had such a list. We were looking for a certain item for their home, which the closest store to them didn’t have enough in stock for what they needed. By this time we were getting dreadfully close to when we were to all to go meet another couple for dinner at a restaurant. The store we were at phoned a branch store way across town and had them hold two of the required items on his list. As we drove across the city I shared that maybe we should go home as we had this date we would be late for if we continued. He told me that over the years of marriage he had found that is wife really felt loved if he did the things on her list. He didn’t care that we would leave the other people waiting in the restaurant. He only wanted to love his wife. Her response was one of pure joy when he brought the complete list of items into the house. He had learned that this was the best way of expressing love in his marriage.

When it comes to acts of service as the primary love language it seems you ignore lists at your own peril.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Head Over Heels

24/5/2013

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A number of years ago I had an experience with a tool that was totally new to me. On the land we had purchased with friends we built a cottage. My friend, Phil, was well versed with the finer aspects of carpentry and construction. I on the other hand had only experienced construction from the perspective of a gopher. My father would allow me to hold thing in place or ‘go for’ a board or ‘go for’ the nail he dropped or ‘go for’ whatever he wanted. This imbalance of experience led to a novel and new experience for me. It was a power hole auger. Basically that’s a large auger bit below a gasoline engine mounted on pretzel shaped handlebars. Simple but effective! Two people hold the handles in place as the engine turns the auger into the ground, which draws earth up out of the hole.

Our goal was to drill 12 holes into which we would fit forms for concrete to be poured to create pile foundations for the cottage we were going to build. What could go wrong? Aw…! Phil made the fatal mistake of thinking I understood what would happen when we used this machine. He said to me whatever you do don’t let go of the handle. Whatever you say, Phil.

The soil was fairly sandy but had stones buried in it. We hit a stone about a foot into the ground. I didn’t realize that the stone would resist the auger and stop the bit initially until the torque from the engine pried it loose. When we hit the stone, the bit stopped, the engine kept right on turning and the handle snapped out of my hands. I really hadn’t been holding that tightly as I had no idea what this machine was doing. Unfortunately Phil didn’t let go. He took off into space and landed on his back about 6 feet away from the hole. He gave me the look. You know the one – hey, stupid, I told you to hold onto the handle. Probably didn’t help that I laughed as I saw him in flight.

We got right back at it and the stone came up. It was about the size of a large baked potato. We kept on and hit another stone. Whammo, Phil went flying! I still didn’t have the concept of how hard you had to hold on. One more look! (I hate the look, don’t you?) From that point on we finished 11 of the holes with no further space flights. On the twelfth hole we hit a rock. I was locked onto those handles like a vise. Phil let go. I took off into the air like a rocket. I saw the sky, ground and sky again before I collided with Mother Earth. What a rush! It was so much fun I wanted to do it again but we didn’t encounter any more rocks on the last hole. Wow!

I know, I know, I wasn’t supposed to enjoy it but I did. It kind of defeated his retaliation for earlier in the day. So, why am I telling you this story? Well, I wanted you to understand that a tool needs to be used to be effective. You can admire their craftsmanship all you like but you have to turn it on for it to be useful. The other thing is you can’t assume someone knows what he or she is doing with a tool. I didn’t have Phil’s experience but through use I soon did.

With parenting in fact in regard to all relationships there are tools that when applied make life easier and more constructive. Bonnie and I have written blogs, a book (called 24 Secrets to Great Parenting which you can buy on Amazon.com), a DVD (which you can buy on our website) and an audio copy of the book (also available on our website). All of these are tools to help you enjoy your family more. There are also a couple of other tools I want to share with you over the next couple of months that if applied will make a huge difference in your relationship and your family. I would really appreciate you trying them out. So often I have observed people taking courses on different things and then it appears like they immediately forget the principles, ideas and techniques that were taught. There seemed to be an initial fascination with the concept but no real change is evident in their lives.

Like the auger we might go head over heels due to our inexperience but why not try?

(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Yadda, Yadda, Yadda

19/3/2013

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Do you ever feel like you need to put one hand over your child or spouse’s ear to make sure what you are saying doesn’t simply pass right through? They may be saying ‘yah, yah!’ but did they really hear you? Are they conscious of what you just said?

A couple of weeks ago my grandson was buttering his toast in the kitchen while his father was speaking at him from upstairs. I was in the kitchen too and could hear what his dad was saying. My grandson just kept working on his toast and said to anyone close who was listening: “Blah, blah, blah!” He verbalised what so many of us are thinking inside while our parent or spouse is rabbiting on about something to us.

Effective communication involves active listening and clear understanding. Bonnie and I recently moved from a small cottage home with two bedrooms upstairs. The house was so small that you could talk to each other with one person in the kitchen and the other in the living room. It was fun but occasionally Bonnie would push the limits. I could hear her upstairs in one of the bedrooms talking at me but I couldn’t distinguish what she was saying. The sound waves had to travel out of the bedroom through a doorway down a stairwell through the room it was in through another doorway across the hall and through the door into the lounge. It didn’t quite make it. I was listening to her but I just couldn’t make out what she was saying.

To know you have been heard you need to be looking at the person, preferably into their eyes so they know you are talking to them, and you need some feedback. What did you hear me say? Ask questions to know there is clarity of understanding. Once there is feedback you can continue to converse without eye to eye contact. Their responses should assure you that they are listening.

Some times we natter at others. We just want to express our frustration or cynicism to them. We can state over and over again the obvious. It may be giving us some release from tension but if we do it too often it guarantees people will blank you out. I know I do this. I know they aren’t listening but there is something in me that just needs to say it. Yadda, yadda, yadda!

If what you have to say is important, remember to make eye contact and ask for some feedback. It’s the only way to know you truly are communicating.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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It Wasn’t Me!

17/12/2012

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Today I was looking for our chequebooks, which are really rapidly becoming dinosaurs. I simply could not arrange a bank or Internet transfer so had to relate to this old, antiquated means of exchanging money. I couldn’t find the chequebook. I had looked through all the papers I had brought with me from the UK. I went through our folders for important documents like passports. Nothing!

I was frustrated as this was really important and I wanted to send it today. I asked Bonnie and she said I think I saw it in your sock drawer. Of course she found it immediately. I was really annoyed with myself as it was my safety precaution. I mean what robber would ever look in your sock drawer for valuables?

Bonnie handed it to me as she went into the bathroom. I followed her into the room. She caught my expression in the mirror and responded; “Don’t look at me with that tone of voice. It wasn’t me that hid it in his sock drawer.” Dang! Caught again!

There is something really deep in the psyche of men, at least this one, which wants to blame the women. You know when you’re late for an engagement and the man says, ‘I was waiting in the car for my wife’. The bible story of creation says Adam, the first man, blamed his wife first and then God for his disobedience. He said to God that it was the woman who God gave to him that made him sin. Double whammy of stupidity! Nothing has really changed since then.

If we aren’t blaming our wives for what has happened we are blaming God. Someone gets seriously ill and we blame God. Or we have personal financial problems and its God’s fault. It is a very strange thing to do when you don’t believe in God and equally not a very wise thing to do if you do believe in Him. But that’s what men do.

In the story of creation Adam could have taken responsibility for what he did wrong but he didn’t. According to the bible everything went down hill from there for mankind. As much as it seems intrinsic to our nature to blame women for our shortcomings I think we, men, can rise above this tendency by taking responsibility for situations of our own creating.

If we don’t accept responsibility, how can we be surprised when our wives become embittered or angry towards us? How would you like to be blamed for something that you didn’t do? It really isn’t very honouring to blame your wife for being late. It may seem like a small and simple thing so where’s the harm in it. But if you pile up enough small offences you will soon have a mountain that will eventually result in an avalanche of emotional distress.

Harmony in marriage would vastly improve if we, men, took responsibility for our actions. Thank goodness for forgiveness!
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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What Did You Say?

27/11/2012

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The other day we were driving with Bonnie’s parents to buy pears from an orchard shop. Her mom was giving me directions. She said, ‘Make sure when you turn the corner to stay to the inside lane’. Having spent 13 years in England I wasn’t sure what a Canadian meant by the “inside lane” any more. I asked which lane was she talking about. She got exasperated because I think she thought it was her crazy son in-law trying to be funny. So she re-emphasised the words “stay to the inside lane”. At which point I asked Bonnie to intervene.

You see in England the inside lane is the lane closest to the edge of the road not the one closest to the middle of the road. In Canada the inside lane is the one closest to the middle of the road. I really didn’t know which lane she wanted me in until we got this figured out. Amazing considering we are speaking the same language!

How much does this happen within relationships? Mom thought she had made herself perfectly clear. I was completely unsure which lane she wanted. How about you and your partner? Are you speaking the same language? Are you discussing issues or the behaviour of the children but not really understanding what the other person is saying? Are you assuming that if you understand they understand?

We can hear words clearly spoken to us and totally misinterpret them. In Chapter 16, Team Sport, of 24 Secrets to Great Parenting Bonnie and I found this to be the case. “When we first got married, Bonnie would tell me something broke. I would say, “Call a repairman”. Even though she heard me she heard it through her filter of “Dad always fixes things”. She wouldn’t call anyone. I would ask several days later if it was fixed. She would say, “Oh, you fixed it”. My response was, “No, I thought you were calling someone to do it”. We had to discuss our expectations and correct them, as we were now a new family.” (Page 112-113)

As I explained with my mother in-law we were talking the same language but hearing two different things due to our cultural interpretation of the words. We bring “family and cultural” interpretations into our relationships. Have you ever considered that some of the misunderstanding in your relationships could be from this source? When you discuss your situation together look for clarification of what certain terms mean. It’s wise to be using the same language to avoid accidents.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Stimulation

14/11/2012

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Your child’s early years are critical to their over all development. As much as they need food, sleep, cuddling, they need mental stimulation. Toys and books are important. It may not appear to you like they are doing much with them but they are learning from them.

We met a woman whose daughter was struggling in school with learning to read. The teacher had told her that her daughter was behind in letter and word recognition in comparison to the other children. The other students were ready to read and her daughter wasn’t. This mother was very concerned but didn’t know what to do to help her daughter. We asked if her daughter had books at home to look at. She said no for she thought that her daughter was too young to look at them. There was the source of the problem.

Children need to have books and toys. We left cloth and padded books along with toys in their cots. When they woke from a sleep we could hear them playing with their things. Usually they all ended up on the floor, which meant it was time for us to get them up but that took some time as they looked at and played with each item.

We would read to them, initially that meant pointing at the pictures and making animal noises. We also got them the wood puzzles with the pictures of various things that they could learn to put in place. All of these activities take time and one on one attention. You don’t have to do it all day long but it should be done daily.

The other thing to be careful with is over stimulation. You can get so many toys, games, puzzles and books that they are overwhelmed by them all and don’t really play with any of them. We would take one thing out at a time, play with it, put it back and take out another. It is a good way to teach your child how to put their toys away. At one point we split their toys up into groups as they got more and more of them. We would put one or two lots of toys away in a closet out of reach to them and keep one lot out. They would play with those for a month and then we would switch groups. For them it was like getting a whole new bunch of toys, which they enjoyed playing with again. Some times they have so much that they pull them all out on the floor, play with none and then leave the mess for you to clean up.

Clearing up and putting things away teaches them organisational skills and self-discipline. Every step from having books and toys, to playing with them together, to clearing away is teaching them skills for a lifetime.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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<<Previous

So This Is Christmas…

Consistently (Part 2)

Do You Have a Philosophy?

Perspective

Emotive Tools 2

Head Over Heels

Yadda, Yadda, Yadda

It Wasn’t Me!

What Did You Say?

Stimulation

Jim Inkster

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