Category: Behaviour - Jim and Bonnie

Start Small

5/5/2014

To modify children’s behaviour you need to remember the golden rule: “Change one thing at a time”. The only real and effective change comes through this method. If you try more than one change, you will find yourself fighting a losing battle.

When you are looking at what to change start small. Everything that is huge started small. Their attitude and response to you may not be good but to change that you need to undermine it by changing small apparently insignificant things first. You are then demolishing the roots that support and nourish that attitude. It is easier, more effective and will create change.

Agreement, within yourself as well as in your partnership whether together or apart, is the first step to a better future for you and your family. If you can agree and be consistent, you will see change. Add an excessive amount of praise and affirmation to a healthy atmosphere of love and tenderness with deep respect for your child and you will be successful in forming loving, good, healthy children. You will earn their respect and that of the rest of the community.

When you start on this process, to change one thing at a time, remember it is as much about you changing as it is the children changing. You are learning new skills in terms of relationships. You are exercising new parenting muscles and at times you will ache from the process. But don’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself room for error and time to change too. Expect that you will blow it and totally mess up at times. That happens. When you do, forgive yourself, then keep going and start again. Don’t throw in the towel or quit. Simply start again tomorrow. A new day - a new start!

You will grow as a person through the process and so will your children. The process of change will become second nature and you will soon find that you have a very happy home. Praising your children will develop strong people who will be a blessing to you, their parent.

One thing at a time!

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Can I Get a Little Respect Around Here?

28/4/2014

Having addressed affirmation and affection in bringing change, we need to talk about respect. As the previous post stated we face their disobedience and rebellion to our authority as a loving parent sometimes on a daily basis. Their actions don’t speak highly of respect for who we are and so the thought of showing them respect seems ridiculous. Why would we do that and how?

Generally speaking respect is earned. It is not simply given because the position demands it. This is true in all relationships whether in marriage, at work, in the armed forces or in friendships. Our character and actions will earn us the respect of our spouses, partners, and colleagues. A failure in moral character can strip respect away very, very quickly. But in relationship to children, we need to teach them respect. One of the ways of doing this is to care about how we correct them. As parents we often correct their actions in front of others without a thought to how they feel. We think they are children and won’t be embarrassed by our actions. But they can feel deeply embarrassed by being corrected in front of others. Some children appear to be thicker skinned than others when it comes to this. They may seem to just shake the correction off and continue unperturbed along their way. But appearances can be deceiving. They will feel the sting of shame and correction too. It’s just buried deeper than the other children who respond more sensitively to a lack of respect.

Have you ever noticed when there are two or more children in a family and one of them gets corrected in front of the others what happens? For example Mommy is exasperated by the amount of chocolate that one of them just ate before dinner. She’s correcting them with the ‘I told you not to blah, blah, blah’ monologue when one of the other children chirps into the conversation or is simply present watching. Immediately, the one being corrected turns on the other child and a verbal fight breaks out between them. Now Mommy doesn’t only have one child she is chiding but two that are in a full on shouting match. It is escalating out of hand and the original correction is lost in the scuffle. What happened? The child being corrected deeply resents the other child’s presence in this situation. They are embarrassed! Because they are mortified in front of the other child they lash out to cover up their shame.

This feeling of injustice and disrespect can lead to ‘tattling’ on one another. While you are trying to change their actions, they tell on the other to throw you off the track. Misdirection can take the heat and the embarrassment off of them. What they say may not be truly accurate either, which will undermine the respect of the siblings one for the other. Your respect for them will teach them how to respect others.

To effect positive change in behaviour we need to extend respect to the person being corrected. Respect can be extended by not singling one of the children out in front of the others. Show them respect by correcting them alone. You may find in the heat of the moment that it is inconvenient to draw them aside but don’t say anything negative. Hold it and resist the temptation to speak it out. Tell them you will speak to them about what they have done later. As soon as you can, take them aside and talk to them. This will clear the air and does not leave them hanging imaging the worst-case scenarios.

When you do draw them aside, use the ‘praise sandwich’. Affirm them, tell them you love them, and then tell them what upset you. Finish your conversation with love both spoken and felt. Remember it is because you love them that you are taking the time and effort to shape them into young people whom others want to associate with. Extend that love by respecting how you correct them while you correct them.
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The Power of a Hug

21/4/2014

The role of affirmation, affection and respect is vitally important in bringing changes to your children’s behaviour. Having come to agreement with your partner over the changes that are going to be instigated, having had the meeting with your children to explain the changes and having initiated the first action followed by the introduction of a star chart, you are well on your way to positive change. Remember to keep praising and affirming your children. It will bring you rewards in more areas than the one you are focusing on. You are building self-confidence within them.

The power of affection is incredible in bringing changes. A gentle touch upon the arm, a warm smile, a hug and soft gentle words are the desire of every child. They want to feel loved not just be told that they are loved. When you extend love through tenderness of voice and touch, your children will feel the love. They desire to know they are loved and important to you.

Unfortunately what often happens within the family dynamics is the situation may get so out of hand that you find it particularly hard to feel love for one or more of your children. Their attitude and rebelliousness may have been grinding upon your soul for a long time. The constant battle and the disrespect for your words can build a wall of bitter feelings. You find yourself in a real dilemma. You love your children deeply but you resent them as well. It is very hard to extend tender loving touches to someone who has been so irritating and rebellious in relationship to you.

This is a difficult thing to acknowledge to yourself let alone anyone else. There is the embarrassment and sense of failure associated with feeling this way. ‘How can I feel this way towards my own child?’ Ignoring your feelings does not make them go away. Others, including your children, can tell you are unhappy with them. It’s communicated through your tone of voice, choice of expressions and lack of gentle touch. At this point you have a choice: you can go on pretending that all is well and have the bitterness undermine your love for your child, or you can acknowledge to yourself the level of resentment you feel and then forgive them as well as yourself. Forgiveness creates a fresh start. It won’t immediately stop the behaviour that has wounded you but it allows you to start again and reach out in love. Oh, yes, you will feel hurt again and again by your child’s actions but forgiveness will allow you to show them love. Remember they are children and they truly don’t know what they are doing when they are young. They are not out to get you back for not loving them. They are simply self-centred. But love truly does conquer. If you combine love with praise, you will see changes.
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Somebody Praise Me!

14/4/2014

In the whole arena of behaviour change the most important key is agreement between the parents or caregivers. This is crucial. If you aren’t in agreement you will not be consistent in your actions, standards and practises. Children are masters of the ‘divide and conquer’ strategy. To bring change you must agree together on what you want to do and the importance of following through.

Having decided what you want to change then, there are three things that are essential for bringing effective change – affirmation, affection and respect. Let’s say the area you have chosen to change is the “mess”: toys, books, clothes, dishes, papers and shoes everywhere. If you have three children, as an example, start with one area of the house, probably their room. Have a calm, cool and collected meeting with your children explaining to them that you and your partner have come to an agreement over the ‘mess’ the house has been in. If you have tried to correct it and not been consistent, you can explain that this has happened up until now. You may want to apologize to them for not keeping your word regarding tidying the house (obviously optional to you). Tell them that now from this day forward we are going to work on keeping your room tidy. (If necessary, buy supplies like storage bins, staplers, hangars or whatever is required to facilitate the chore. If there is nowhere to put their stuff, then the task will be impossible.) Tell them how much you appreciate them and love them (affection-affirmation), express to them your confidence in their abilities to organise and sort their possessions (affirmation) and that you know they can do it (respect).

It is so important at this time that you affirm them positively. You do not want to point out what isn’t done but what is. So when they clean their room up for the first time, help them so that they are not overwhelmed with the task. Make it fun. Every time they pick something up and put it away, praise them effusively (go over the top). It may feel completely strange and unnatural but do it anyway. They will love it. Remember that at this point the issue is to encourage. If they miss picking something up or they are getting off track, don’t jump on their actions instead help them. Affirm them, affirm them, affirm them! Praise will bring positive responses.

Follow through with the one change for at least a month before you look at bringing anything new into the picture. You want to reinforce the behaviour with positive affirmation and consistency. Consistency will create good practises and habits in your children.

After the first initial step of organizing, you can use a praise sandwich to bring correction. If you see there is something they are not doing, start the conversation with something positive like ‘Wow, your room is looking so good, you’re doing a great job, I’m so proud of you.” Then say, if its clothes that aren’t being put in the laundry bin, something like ‘Do you think you could put the clothes on the floor in the laundry bin if they are dirty, or the dresser if they are clean?” Then come back with how wonderful their room is and what a great job they are doing. Bless them. Tell them they are great. Make the necessary change incidental not primary in the conversation. They will make the change easily as they are feeling good about themselves.

The emphasis needs to be on the positive, what’s been achieved, how happy you are with them and what a good job they are doing. They will respond to any correction easily as it does not emphasize failure or unhappiness. Praise and affirmation work miracles in bringing about change.

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Changing You Changing Me

7/4/2014

When we look at changing unacceptable behaviour patterns we are strongly suggesting start small and change one thing at a time. If you try to change more than one, you’ll end up with a war on your hands. People do not like change, so any change is going to be resisted. Be prepared for resistance even in the smallest things. Remember also that most behaviour has become habitual and changing a habit isn’t easy. If it were, we would all eat low fat food, avoid chocolate like the plague and be extremely fit in more ways than one. (I am not saying you do this, but a huge number of other people do!) To break a habit you have to be aware of what it is and then be consistent in correctly applying different behaviour. In many cases you are building new habits that are more pleasing and a better choice than the old.

When we look at bringing change to our children’s behaviour it is wise to realise we need to change our behaviour too. This is not just an adjustment to your children’s actions but most definitely to your habits as well. So don’t be surprised at how difficult you find the whole process to be. You have learned to live with things the way they are, and even being unhappy with it doesn’t mean you will find it easy to change. You have to exercise a high level of self-discipline and consistency in thought and deed. You may find this tiring as it seems so constant and in your face for a while. Remember, persevere, it will change and much quicker than it initially seems. Don’t stop too soon, persevere and see the change.

It is really important that you and your partner are in agreement over the changes you are going to implement. If you are not in agreement, all efforts to bring correction to situations will be in vain. Consistency between partners makes the task easier and effective. If I say to the children you will take your drink glasses to the kitchen when you are finished and my partner leaves hers in the lounge or doesn’t enforce the rule, then the children will resist the change. They will leave the glasses until they are asked to but will not internalize the habit until there is consistency between the partners.

My father had an issue about shoes left at the front door. He constantly lost his temper over my brothers and I leaving them there. But after we cleared our shoes or boots away he would leave his there. It seemed like it was some sort of privilege to leave your boots at the door. I don’t know why but we consistently slipped back into leaving the shoes at the door. His rants and rages didn’t deter us from falling back into the same habit. All we were doing was copying him. I just want to be like you, Dad.

When we had children, one of the things that had finally and ironically settled into my mind was having shoes left in random spots around the house, particularly the main family areas. Guess who was the biggest offender for leaving shoes in the lounge? You got it – Bonnie! She just couldn’t see what the big deal was about shoes left here or there. It was an area we never came into agreement. Did I like it? No, but there wasn’t much point in making an issue over shoes. All I would do when I felt the irritation rising was try to remember how my Dad’s issue was such a pain over nothing really significant. I would try to keep in mind that this is my issue and then simply pick the shoes up and throw them into the appropriate rooms. I would “try” being the operant word. Every once in a while I would spit the dummy out and have a rant about shoes. (I am probably being more gracious to myself on how often the rant happened but I do like to think of myself as more reasonable than I really am.)

The main thing in bringing change in your children’s behaviour is agreement. If you are a single parent, then you have a certain freedom that couples do not have. There is no one to contradict what you have decided. If you are separated from the other parent, then you can set the rules that in this house this is expected of you. Depending on the amiability of your relationship you may be able to talk about what can be done to bring some consistency on major issues involving your children. If you are co-habiting partners, then you have to choose and agree on what issues you will change. Some times the behaviour you want changed is more your issue than the children’s and you need to work through it rather than impose it upon others.
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Small Beginnings

24/3/2014

Often when I look up an address on a map programme on the Internet I find I have to keep zooming out from the original map to get a proper perspective of where the address is. The ‘zoom out’ function is necessary in more areas than just map reading. As I explained before you need to do it with your family to get a realistic perspective of what is happening within your home. Don’t keep living with the frustration but take the time to back away. When you do this, it is wise to make a list of the things that you are unhappy with so that you can bring change.

Remember the most effective and lasting change will come through changing only one thing at a time. If you try to change too much at one time, the results aren’t pleasant. Usually what happens is everyone involved gets totally upset, resisting all attempts to reform, leading all efforts to change onto the scrap heap of unfulfilled resolutions. Very few people welcome change. It threatens our security and comfort. It brings in the unknown and due to our great inherent strength to adapt to the most extreme conditions, we would rather stay the way we are then face change. So to bring change you have to do it slowly and in small doses. People can cope with changing one thing. It doesn’t scream at them that they are a failure or that everything they are comfortable with will be scrapped.

Now the prevailing wisdom regarding change would be to attack the big issue first, thinking that all the small issues will then fall in line. This is really an ineffective method of creating change. It’s like cutting the dandelion off at ground level. For a few days it looks like you dealt with the problem. But soon that lovely yellow flower is in full bloom in the garden once again. To get the dandelion you have to go after the root. To bring change in the family you need to deal with the root issues. The root issues are those seemingly insignificant activities or events that were ignored for whatever reason. The problem is these become the roots of what will become a much larger issue in the near future.

Everything starts from a small beginning, whether good or bad. Tending to small issues is the best way to deal with the large issues. Is your list of potential changes one of small items or one large one? If it is only one or two large items, can you break them down to smaller components? What do you think?

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Forest for the Trees

17/3/2014

Before you can bring change you need to decide what has to change. You may have a general sense that says this chaos has to go and yet not be able to put your finger on what to change that will make a difference. What we need to do is get a fresh perspective on our family scene. We need to remove ourselves from being in the midst of it so that we can see it as an outsider would.

Why do we need this change of perspective? Well, the problem we all face is our incredible ability to adapt to uncomfortable situations. Once we have adapted we no longer see or feel the discomfort the same way. Human beings have adapted to living in the harshest environments and survived, so they can certainly adapt to the extremes of behaviour in a family environment.

We moved into one house that had the most horrible kitchen that either my wife or I had ever seen before. It had one window in the eating area that was positioned so far up the wall that the only one who could see out of it was me. I am 6’ 1’ and could barely see over the ledge. Then the kitchen was painted the most disgusting puke green that I have ever seen. As we were moving furniture in we said the first thing we would do is paint the kitchen. While it didn’t happen immediately for various reasons and soon I never noticed how awful the colour was. In less than two weeks we had adapted to something we could barely stand to be in before. After a time you stop seeing what is there. You adapt and make the best of what initially frustrated you.

It can be the same way with family dynamics. You get used to saying the same thing over and over again. You no longer hear how loudly the children are yelling. You tolerate the back talk and verbal abuse. You raise your voice and shout at them without realising you are doing it. They argue and fight with each other and you think its normal. Every once in a while there are these moments when you hear the children mimicking you. They put their hands on their hips, feet apart, look at their little brother or sister and shout orders at them. You think where did they get that? Then it sinks in, oh my gosh, its me!

That kind of moment is what you need if you are going to make a difference in your family dynamics. You need to become aloof enough that you can see what is actually happening and then write it down. Don’t let it escape by thinking I’ll put it down later or you’ll miss it. Better yet take the luxury of some time alone or with your partner and contemplate what is going on at home, what drives you crazy but you’ve learned to tolerate it, what is happening that you never wanted to see happen in your home. This is the beginning of change. Until you know what needs to change nothing will.

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Deathbed of Best Intentions

10/3/2014

Why do our best intentions get waylaid? Why is January the deathbed of all our New Year’s resolutions? I have been sharing that we try to change too many things at one time. When I went to one of the weight loss programmes, they said that people want to lose 3 stone or 42 pounds today. The question they put to us is ‘how long did it take you to gain that weight?’ You didn’t gain it in 2 weeks so why would you expect to lose it in 2 weeks?

Well, equally with children, we tend to want to change their behaviour immediately. This is not Spring cleaning where you can charge through the whole house in a couple of days and feel satisfied that all is as it should be. This is developing positive lifelong behaviours that will stand your child in good stead as an adult. Change takes time. Character takes consistency and time. Worthwhile practises take time.

A worthwhile practise is brushing your teeth. When our children as babies had their first teeth come in, we did three things. One, we started brushing that little tooth so they would get used to the brush in their mouth and not refuse it later. It is so much easier to get a toothbrush into a baby’s mouth than an active two year old that has never had their teeth brushed. Two, we did not let them go to sleep with the bottle in their mouth. We did not want them sleeping with formula or milk pooling around their teeth. Overly cautious, maybe! But when you have had problems with your own teeth, it becomes far more important that your children don’t. Three, we gave them calcium pills as they grew up to supplement the natural source from their everyday diet. Teeth need calcium to grow. We brushed their teeth faithfully until they were old enough to do it well themselves. Doing it well is the operant qualification for trusting them to do it on their own. That took until five or six years old. Then we asked them every night at bedtime if they brushed their teeth. That happened consistently until they were thirteen at which point they demonstrated that they had and we could stop asking. Good practises take time to internalize. Were the time and the hassle worth it? Definitely, not one of our four children has ever had a cavity.

Wow, I’m exhausted thinking about the work! When it is all written down like this, it appears to be over the top. But it isn’t that much on a daily basis. Five minutes maximum for the teeth brushing, a couple of minutes to give them a chewable calcium pill, five seconds to say, ‘Did you brush your teeth?’ It all comes down to consistency. Do not give up because it seems overwhelming.

So, how do we bring change to our child’s behaviour? Ahhh! …Next week.

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Quality Time

21/1/2014

A number of years ago I read about a day in the life of Benjamin Franklin and his father. (Unfortunately I did not record the source at the time. I have since tried to find it to no avail but I believe it is an accurate account.) The two of them went fishing together for the day. His father, Josiah, wrote in his diary that it was the biggest waste of time as Benjamin hardly said a word to him all day. Ben wrote in his diary that it was the best day of his entire life. Wow, how incredibly different the two perceptions of the same event were! One said it was a waste, the other a life changing time.

Time spent with our children one on one is never a waste of time. Their actual expectations and demands are very low especially the younger they are. Bonnie would ask me to take one of the children out into the yard and throw the ball to them. My inward response was I don’t know if I have the time for this. After 5 minutes of trying to catch the ball my son or daughter was happy and finished. I was always amazed at how little time was really involved. I would take them out to go sliding on a little hill and we would be back in 10 minutes or less. It took longer to put on their snowsuit and boots then it did to slide.

When I was a teenager my father would often arrive home while I was throwing a football with a friend. He would put his briefcase down and ask for the ball. He would throw 2 or 3, at the most 5, passes to us and then go into the house. It was more than enough. Each pass was like a lethal weapon that hurt like crazy when you tried to hold onto it but boy, were we impressed. Any more time and we would have needed medical care.

Life for adults always has so many things demanding our time. We need to prioritise those items that are most important to us and invest into them. Our children are our legacy and are far more important than one more committee meeting. To top it all off such a small amount of time will provide huge results for our children. They will feel loved and valued because you invested your time in them. Happy children who feel loved are a blessing.

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Christmas Hope

18/12/2013

This Christmas Bonnie and I are celebrating with Bonnie’s parents in Canada while our children and grandchildren celebrate Christmas in England. It is a very weird sensation to be celebrating the event without children.

Since we knew we wouldn’t be there for Christmas Bonnie left gifts for them in October on her last visit. This year we don’t have any last minute rush to find gifts or to stay up late on Christmas Eve wrapping them. The house is beautifully decorated with no fear of any little hands to topple the tree. Bonnie baked some lovely treats. But when we offer it to friends they refuse as they are trying not to gain weight. Never a problem with children around!

There is no rushing this month to event after event. The Christmas pageants and parties are all on the other side of the pond.

Christmas as we celebrate it in the West is really all about the children. It is a time of awe and hope birthed in their little hearts. Sears, a department store in Canada, has a commercial that follows young children from their beds to the Christmas tree on that special morning. At the end of it the message that is etched onto the screen says: “They may not always remember this moment but you will.”

I truly hope they could remember. But as a parent I certainly do. Jesus, whose birthday we celebrate, says: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” This time of the year is to be a time of remembrance of the fantastic gift He gave to us to bring us peace with God and our fellow man.

The tree with its ornaments speaks of the tree of life. The star on the top is a symbol that led wise men to our Saviour. The gifts are a reminder of His love for us as they are to our children of our love for them. Little children believe, hope and receive. Nothing complicated. Simple!

They may not remember the moment but we will. Let’s remember that it’s more than commercial hype. It’s truly our hope for our eternity.
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