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Perspective

13/9/2013

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Our physical position changes completely how we see an event compared to others.  Two people can view the same activity and see two different things.  If you are on the left side of the field, things will look very different than if you were on the right.  I went to a football (soccer) game with my son.  We had spectacular seats 4 rows up from the field.  The players looked like real human beings not miniatures.  I noticed the field appeared to be convex with the sidelines lower than the centre.  I never thought anything about it until half time.  During the half time break we were discussing how a couple of the players that were very big name stars seemed to do absolutely nothing during the first half.  When the game restarted, the teams switched ends of the field.  These players had a fantastic second half, involved in all the action.  The difference must have been the half time speech of the manager.  No, it was the fact they were playing on our side of the field for the last half.  The arch in the field was enough to block them from a clear view.  We couldn’t see what they were doing due to our perspective.

My father always told me when walking in the woods to stop at regular intervals and look behind you as the perspective of the same area you just walked through would be completely different when you returned.  People get lost on walks, as the path does not look like they remembered from going on the outward journey.  Believe me it is so true!

This week I returned to England to visit my family and receive my citizenship certificate at a ceremony.  I’m now a “dual-ler” as my daughter so nicely put it.  When I visited my youngest son’s family, their two-year-old daughter kept her distance from me.  She knew who I was, had talked to me many times on Face Time, yet she did not want to get too close.  I was a little surprised by this reaction.  On the second day of my stay her other grandparents came to visit.  We were all standing at the door and they were asking her about me.  “Who’s that?”  “Grampa.”  “Where did he come from?”  “Canada.”  Then she said: “Grampa big”.  I looked down at her, then looked down upon her mother and grandparents and realized that she had no idea how big I was from the screen of a mobile phone.  She only comes slightly above my knee.  For her I was a skyscraper.

In my education training to be a teacher they taught us to go down to our student’s level to talk to them.  One of my supervising teachers was of the opinion that you stand as tall and straight as possible to intimidate them by your presence so that the students knew who was the boss.  Their perspective is so different than ours.  Things look far bigger to them than they do to us.  When I was young, the city I lived in had mountains of snow every winter.  But as I got older it was so obvious that we didn’t get snow the way we used to.  Must be climate change! 

Are we sometimes reacting to our children’s concerns from a wrong perspective?  Could we be telling them to suck it up and get on with it when the situation is really intimidating for them?  Would it behove (got to love that word! Behoove in N.A.) us to take the time to come down to their level and see things from their perspective once in awhile?  Hum!



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Built to Last

5/7/2013

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We often drive past a business complex that was built in the 70s and was considered quite smart then.  Today it is slowly emptying as business leases are not being renewed.  It is obvious that these 40-year-old buildings are going to be demolished.  The entire complex looks tired, worn out and dated.  

When I first saw the buildings I thought they were modern and trendy, the kind of place you would want to have your business.  Now its condition does nothing to promote anyone’s business.  If anything it hinders your curb appeal.

Doesn’t it seem odd that someone would construct a building with such a short lifespan?  Having spent 14 years in Europe it is obvious this thinking would be considered very short sighted.  For this site to continue to be effective the buildings have to be demolished, the rubble and waste removed, and new ones built to replace the old.  How expensive is that?  Not only are building costs far higher today than at that time but also the demolition costs are almost as dear.  If it had been built with longevity in mind it would have initially been more costly but in the overall scheme far more reasonable on a year on year cost.  If they had constructed it with 200 years in mind, it would be totally different.

Rolls Royce automobiles are built to last.  The company motto is:” Trusted to Deliver Excellence”.  I remember reading a review on one of their models.  The Rolls Royce company designers took into consideration every aspect of the car during design.  They recognised that a flat panel on the hood/bonnet of the car would look concave to the human eye.  So they made the panel slightly convex to create the appearance of a perfectly flat surface.  At one time they even included maintenance by a certified Rolls Royce technician anywhere in the world within the price.  If your Rolls broke down, they would fly a technician to your country to repair the vehicle.  They were not building these cars for a 3 – 5 year life span.

I have shared with you the love language tools.  Gary Chapman was inspired in his observations of human behaviour to develop tools that will help us love more completely.  You can place these 5 tools in your life skill tool kit and lovingly close the shelf and leave them there.  Oh yes, you have them and they are in pristine condition.  But it takes effort to use them.  There is trial and error.  I don’t know how many times I have ripped up my knuckles using a wrench/spanner.  I didn’t stop using the tool just because I skinned my knuckles.  I tried to anticipate what could happen and make provision to stop it happening again but I still used the tool.

The dilapidated building complex made me think of families.  In the past and in some societies today parents and grandparents invest in children with the thought of “building to last”.  Some people of faith believe that the time spent on earth is a preparation for eternity, which most definitely would need lasting or staying power.

Like Rolls Royce it takes attention to detail and painstaking effort to get it right.  It is expensive but worthy of admiration and desire.  I still check out every old Rolls Royce I see.  I admire their craftsmanship and think it would be lovely to own.  So it is with families.  People will admire and desire those who were built to last.
(images courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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It Wasn’t Me!

17/12/2012

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Today I was looking for our chequebooks, which are really rapidly becoming dinosaurs.  I simply could not arrange a bank or Internet transfer so had to relate to this old, antiquated means of exchanging money.  I couldn’t find the chequebook.  I had looked through all the papers I had brought with me from the UK.  I went through our folders for important documents like passports.  Nothing! 

I was frustrated as this was really important and I wanted to send it today.  I asked Bonnie and she said I think I saw it in your sock drawer.  Of course she found it immediately.  I was really annoyed with myself as it was my safety precaution.  I mean what robber would ever look in your sock drawer for valuables?

Bonnie handed it to me as she went into the bathroom.  I followed her into the room.  She caught my expression in the mirror and responded; “Don’t look at me with that tone of voice.  It wasn’t me that hid it in his sock drawer.”   Dang!  Caught again!

There is something really deep in the psyche of men, at least this one, which wants to blame the women.  You know when you’re late for an engagement and the man says, ‘I was waiting in the car for my wife’.  The bible story of creation says Adam, the first man, blamed his wife first and then God for his disobedience.  He said to God that it was the woman who God gave to him that made him sin.  Double whammy of stupidity!  Nothing has really changed since then.

If we aren’t blaming our wives for what has happened we are blaming God.  Someone gets seriously ill and we blame God.  Or we have personal financial problems and its God’s fault.  It is a very strange thing to do when you don’t believe in God and equally not a very wise thing to do if you do believe in Him.  But that’s what men do. 

In the story of creation Adam could have taken responsibility for what he did wrong but he didn’t.  According to the bible everything went down hill from there for mankind.  As much as it seems intrinsic to our nature to blame women for our shortcomings I think we, men, can rise above this tendency by taking responsibility for situations of our own creating. 

If we don’t accept responsibility, how can we be surprised when our wives become embittered or angry towards us?  How would you like to be blamed for something that you didn’t do?  It really isn’t very honouring to blame your wife for being late.  It may seem like a small and simple thing so where’s the harm in it.  But if you pile up enough small offences you will soon have a mountain that will eventually result in an avalanche of emotional distress.

Harmony in marriage would vastly improve if we, men, took responsibility for our actions.  Thank goodness for forgiveness!

(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Words

13/12/2012

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Unexpectedly this Sunday I was privileged to be at a meeting where a group of ladies from a home for recovery from drug and alcohol addictions danced and spoke about their lives.  I was amazed at how frankly honest they were about what led up to their addiction and their recovery.  They shared about their trials, their attempts to get free, their failures and their successes.  I was deeply moved by each individual’s story. 

One woman told us that she had been told repeatedly from a small girl that she was ugly.  On top of that her abuser told her not only was she ugly but that this was all she was good for.  From there it was a spiral downwards accelerated by this massive sense of worthlessness.  In her late 30s she was now finding a sense of self-worth and personal acceptance but those words were still stinging in her ears.  When she shared this, tears came to my eyes as I felt her pain and anguish.  I wanted to roar at the top of my lungs: “No little girl should ever hear those words!”  I thought of my own lovely daughters with the bows and ribbons in their hair, the frilly lacy dresses and fancy shoes twirling about the house basking in daddy’s approval for they were his princesses. 

It is hard to believe the devastation that is wrought through one word.  It doesn’t have to be the word “ugly”.  That’s only one of many negative and life-sapping words.  “You can’t do it” or “you’re a pain” or “you’ll always be a failure” or “don’t be stupid” are words full of devastation.  These words can be carelessly tossed out, said in what is supposed to be humour or spoken with hatred or deep-seated resentment.  No matter what the motive the wound is just as deep.  They work like viruses of the soul, weakening the confidence and hope, multiplying until the soul is overwhelmed with weakness and despair.  The drugs or alcohol are all escape mechanisms.  If I can’t hear it anymore, if it’s all blurred, if I’m wasted, then I find some relief from the pain and torment.

I’m not a counsellor or drug and alcohol therapist.  I just know the power of negative words.  My self-worth was hammered consistently throughout my school years until I was desperate for success and despairing that it wouldn’t happen.  I wasn’t physically abused but I had my share of verbal abuse.  No matter how well I did in school I couldn’t please the most important man on earth.  I learned to build different protection mechanisms to cope with life.  Maybe if I hadn’t met Bonnie, I would have ended up there.  I am so thankful that someone who knew the power of words came into my life.  Out of her mouth flowed words of affirmation and love, a true testimony to her upbringing for you can’t give what you haven’t received.  It takes many more positive words to undo the effect of one negative.

As parents we can shape a life so easily one way or the other through the power of our words.  We are writing the future of our children upon their souls with the words we most consistently say to them.  We can write greatness starting with three simple words – I love you!
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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What Did You Say?

27/11/2012

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The other day we were driving with Bonnie’s parents to buy pears from an orchard shop.  Her mom was giving me directions.  She said, ‘Make sure when you turn the corner to stay to the inside lane’.  Having spent 13 years in England I wasn’t sure what a Canadian meant by the “inside lane” any more.  I asked which lane was she talking about.  She got exasperated because I think she thought it was her crazy son in-law trying to be funny.  So she re-emphasised the words “stay to the inside lane”.  At which point I asked Bonnie to intervene.

You see in England the inside lane is the lane closest to the edge of the road not the one closest to the middle of the road.  In Canada the inside lane is the one closest to the middle of the road.  I really didn’t know which lane she wanted me in until we got this figured out.  Amazing considering we are speaking the same language!

How much does this happen within relationships?  Mom thought she had made herself perfectly clear.  I was completely unsure which lane she wanted.  How about you and your partner?  Are you speaking the same language?  Are you discussing issues or the behaviour of the children but not really understanding what the other person is saying?  Are you assuming that if you understand they understand?

We can hear words clearly spoken to us and totally misinterpret them.  In Chapter 16, Team Sport, of 24 Secrets to Great Parenting Bonnie and I found this to be the case.  “When we first got married, Bonnie would tell me something broke. I would say, “Call a repairman”. Even though she heard me she heard it through her filter of “Dad always fixes things”. She wouldn’t call anyone. I would ask several days later if it was fixed. She would say, “Oh, you fixed it”. My response was, “No, I thought you were calling someone to do it”. We had to discuss our expectations and correct them, as we were now a new family.” (Page 112-113)

As I explained with my mother in-law we were talking the same language but hearing two different things due to our cultural interpretation of the words.  We bring “family and cultural” interpretations into our relationships.  Have you ever considered that some of the misunderstanding in your relationships could be from this source?  When you discuss your situation together look for clarification of what certain terms mean.  It’s wise to be using the same language to avoid accidents.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Serious Stuff

3/11/2012

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Anything left uncared for will deteriorate.  Think about it.  You leave the coloured outdoor Christmas lights up for the whole year and what do you have in October next year?  Clear Christmas lights!  Leave a photograph out in the direct sunlight and what happens?  Leave an important relationship alone and what happens?

To keep the things that most value to you in good shape you have to care for it.  All relationships if they are important take time, energy and money to maintain.  We wouldn’t buy a classic automobile to leave it exposed to the weather yet how much thought and purposeful attention do we give to our closest and most important relationships?

Recently I heard of a marital breakdown where the husband walked out on his wife saying he didn’t love her anymore.  She was shocked as she said she had no indication that anything was wrong with their relationship.  It is painful to see a family torn apart after 20 – 25 years.  I don’t know what happened to their relationship and I can’t judge.  All I know is I never want that to happen to my marriage.

So what can I do to prevent it?
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Not A Problem

26/7/2012

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I headed off to an Olympic Women’s Football game with my son and his two oldest children today.  It was Canada against Japan.  Little did I know as I sat down in the midst of Japanese fans and threatened them with a thrashing by my beloved Canadian team that the Japanese team were number 1 in the world having won the World Championship in 2011.  When they scored the first goal, I thought I’m scuppered now.  Wisdom had us move at half time to another area of the stadium.  Actually it wasn’t so much wisdom as a move to compensate for some earlier stupidity in the day.

What stupidity you say?  Well, I was hoping you wouldn’t ask but now that you have here goes.  Have you ever had those moments as a parent, spouse, friend or grandparent when someone says to you maybe you should do this and you wave it off?  I put on jeans, socks and a shirt to go to the game.  Bonnie suggested I wear shorts and a t-shirt.  I wasn’t keen on the idea but she asked me to go outside where it was actually baking.  So, I decided to take the woman’s advice and change, all the while wondering about an umbrella as it was overcast.  She suggested an umbrella but I shrugged it off.  Then as we were about to leave the kids’ house my daughter in law told the grandkids that they should find hats.  Both my son and I said it wouldn’t be necessary after all they’re in the car and then in the stands with a roof covering over it.  Not a problem! 

Yeah, not a problem!  We got there and it was a mile walk from the car park to the stadium for two little blonds without hats in the scorching sun.  Still the stadium would have shade from the roof, nothing to worry about.  We got into the stadium only to find that our seats as well placed as they were for viewing a game just happened to be in the most intensely direct sunshine within the whole stadium.  We baked, feeling like sushi on the edge as the Japanese dominated the game.  At one point Joel said he had to take his daughter out of the sun, as she was feeling sick.  When he came back, I offered to buys some hats at the concession stands seeing this is the Olympics and all.  I walked around the entire stadium only to find it had just one stall for souvenirs that had already sold all their hats.  I found it at the north side of the grounds but continued on around to the west side to prove the fact that there was no other stand selling hats or souvenirs of any description.  On the way back I ask the fellow at the stall if this was only the first day of the Olympics and they were sold out what were they going to do the rest of the two weeks?  He shrugged his shoulders.

When I returned to the family I was hatless in Coventry.  It was half time shortly after that at which point we thought we would wait till the game restarted to buy hotdogs for the kids, thereby avoiding the long queues.  The game started and I looked for hotdogs while Joel took the kids back to the seats to watch the game.  Guess what?  No more hotdogs!  They had sold them all and were out.  When I told Joel, he said we could feed them crisps (chips) but we needed to move.  We went to the shaded north end of the stands past the despicable dog less concessions and the more despicable hatless souvenir store run by someone who didn’t really care.  After the game they restocked on hotdogs and the kids wolfed them down.  They recovered from sunstroke during the second game of the evening sufficiently that we could take them home before half time.  Sweden was killing South Africa at this point so it was fairly conclusive who was going to win. 

So, why do we do it?  Why do we listen to perfectly good, sound advice and then disregard it?  I mean in this instance who knew that the concession stand would run out of hats.  But we had already heard the wisdom, knew it would only take a minute to follow and yet chose to pass on it.  Life’s full of experiences like this.  We would be so much better off if we just took the advice and acted on it.  But look at all the fun we would miss if we did.  By the way it didn’t rain. (Bonnie just told me according to the news it was the hottest day of the year.)

(images courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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The Black Forest!!!

6/6/2012

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This week I received an email from a friend telling me that he and his wife were going for a weekend to the Black Forest in Germany.  I think that’s wonderful and wise to do to preserve and strengthen your marriage.  It was the destination that rang bells in my head.  I thought what a terrible place to go.  It’s so foreboding and dark and scary!  I shuttered at the thought. 

Now why would I think that way?  I have never been to the Black Forest nor have I met anyone who has until now.  As an adult I have never heard a negative report about it.  So where did this terrible feeling come from?

While I remember as a child watching Walt Disney on Sunday nights.  One of the shows was "Peter and the Wolf", an animated story set in the Black Forest.  It terrified me!  The confrontation of Peter, a boy, and a mean, snarling wolf was frightening.  So to make sure I have my facts right I checked it out on You Tube.  Nowhere in any of the references to "Peter and the Wolf" is the Black Forest mentioned.  Having watched some of the video again I can see that the forest is portrayed as black and dark.  I am also amazed listening to Sterling Holloway’s friendly voice and seeing the characters how I could have been scared.  But…

I didn’t see it through adult eyes when I first saw it.  I was 6.  So here I am a grandfather getting flashbacks and apprehension for my friend’s sake over them going to the Black Forest.  Decades later a fear that entered my heart as a child still has an effect.

An adult probably wouldn’t think twice about showing that cartoon to children for all they would see is an innocent story told by a trusted storyteller.  My parents probably thought the same.  We took our twins to see Disney’s "Peter Pan" in the cinema when they were 5.  They were so upset that they told us afterwards to never take them to a movie like that again.  Then when the younger two were 5 and 3 respectively we took them to "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" through the encouragement of good friends who had seen it.  Our 5 year-old stood through the entire movie next to me and our 3 year-old buried her face in Bonnie’s chest for most of the movie.  The scene that really did them in was the appearance of a bee attacking the shrunken children.  After it was over Jessie told us to never take her to a movie like that again.  We were actually rebuked by our children.  I have no idea what bugaboos they have now from those films.

My point is this: we need to guard what our children watch and hear carefully.  Is it age appropriate?  I have seen parents with 5 and 6 year olds in movies that are rated 12 years of age.  They have been up and down to the toilets throughout the movie.  Their children have been terrified.

It takes a great deal of gumption to withstand the onslaught that everyone is seeing it as well as the criticism of being too old-fashioned and prudish.  Don’t give in, stand your ground and be their protector and guide. 

Oh, don’t forget that what goes in does come out.  I am just now consciously aware of something that has affected me subconsciously my whole life.  What our children perceive and interpret from their point of view will affect them throughout their life.  It is worth it to be diligent and protect their minds while they are young.  View movies and programmes first before you show them to your children.  That’s what we learned to do from our previous experiences.  It is one of those benefits that show up only by its lack of fruit later in life.

(illustration courtesy of www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Parents Beware!

2/3/2012

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There is an indicator in human interaction that should flag up your suspicion.  The indicator is withdrawal.  When people withdraw from interaction with others there is usually something that they are hiding.  It is said of Adam and Eve that after they ate of the forbidden fruit they hid from God when he came to visit them in the garden.  Parents, you are like God to your children, and they will hide from you when they have done something wrong. 

When they have lied to you, they can’t look you in the eye and repeat the lie.  They will want to look away.  This withdrawing is not an indicator only of them doing something wrong.  It can also happen when something bad has happened to them.  Children can feel it is their fault that this happened to them and then withdraw out of shame.  They may be deeply hurt by something you or someone else has said or done to them too. 

We need to be watching our children.  Are they hiding?  Are they not speaking much?  Are they spending more and more time alone or in their room?  The more outgoing a child is the easier it is to spot this behaviour.  But if your child is quiet and more of an introvert, you need to watch them carefully.  They too can withdraw and if you are not careful, you can miss it.

Life can be so busy with school and extra – curricular activities.  We can be providing all the best opportunities for our children to grow in their natural abilities and strengths and yet miss something due to the busyness.  The more children in the family the more intense and overwhelming the level of activity! At one time we had all four children in baseball.  None of them were on the same teams or age groupings.  So all played at different times and at different ball fields.  With our other activities we need three cars and 4 adults to keep up to all the commotion this created.  We constantly needed to do head counts to make sure we had all the children, that we hadn’t left one somewhere.  The only reprieve from this was the shortness of the season in Canada.  During that time we really fought to keep an eye on how the children were doing emotionally.  Activity that is great for their development can deprive us of the intimacy we need to have to know how they are really doing.

The longer the period of withdrawal the harder it is to have restored relationship.  They can feel you don’t really care because you haven’t noticed that they aren’t connecting.  Don’t mistake withdrawal as normal behaviour for certain age groups like teens.  The quicker you can connect with them the better.  Short accounts can be cleared quickly. 

You are the one that will have to bridge the dividing gap.  Once they are out there they don’t know how to get back.  In essence you have to rescue them from their isolation.  Be alert and aware!  Look for unusual behaviour patterns, which will be unique to each one of your children.  Then talk to them until you get to the bottom of the problem and resolve it for their sake.

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    Jim Inkster

    Hi guys, this is where we do the talking!

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