Category: Correction

Start Small

5/5/2014

To modify children’s behaviour you need to remember the golden rule: “Change one thing at a time”. The only real and effective change comes through this method. If you try more than one change, you will find yourself fighting a losing battle.

When you are looking at what to change start small. Everything that is huge started small. Their attitude and response to you may not be good but to change that you need to undermine it by changing small apparently insignificant things first. You are then demolishing the roots that support and nourish that attitude. It is easier, more effective and will create change.

Agreement, within yourself as well as in your partnership whether together or apart, is the first step to a better future for you and your family. If you can agree and be consistent, you will see change. Add an excessive amount of praise and affirmation to a healthy atmosphere of love and tenderness with deep respect for your child and you will be successful in forming loving, good, healthy children. You will earn their respect and that of the rest of the community.

When you start on this process, to change one thing at a time, remember it is as much about you changing as it is the children changing. You are learning new skills in terms of relationships. You are exercising new parenting muscles and at times you will ache from the process. But don’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself room for error and time to change too. Expect that you will blow it and totally mess up at times. That happens. When you do, forgive yourself, then keep going and start again. Don’t throw in the towel or quit. Simply start again tomorrow. A new day - a new start!

You will grow as a person through the process and so will your children. The process of change will become second nature and you will soon find that you have a very happy home. Praising your children will develop strong people who will be a blessing to you, their parent.

One thing at a time!

(image courtesy of amenic181/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Somebody Praise Me!

14/4/2014

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In the whole arena of behaviour change the most important key is agreement between the parents or caregivers. This is crucial. If you aren’t in agreement you will not be consistent in your actions, standards and practises. Children are masters of the ‘divide and conquer’ strategy. To bring change you must agree together on what you want to do and the importance of following through.

Having decided what you want to change then, there are three things that are essential for bringing effective change – affirmation, affection and respect. Let’s say the area you have chosen to change is the “mess”: toys, books, clothes, dishes, papers and shoes everywhere. If you have three children, as an example, start with one area of the house, probably their room. Have a calm, cool and collected meeting with your children explaining to them that you and your partner have come to an agreement over the ‘mess’ the house has been in. If you have tried to correct it and not been consistent, you can explain that this has happened up until now. You may want to apologize to them for not keeping your word regarding tidying the house (obviously optional to you). Tell them that now from this day forward we are going to work on keeping your room tidy. (If necessary, buy supplies like storage bins, staplers, hangars or whatever is required to facilitate the chore. If there is nowhere to put their stuff, then the task will be impossible.) Tell them how much you appreciate them and love them (affection-affirmation), express to them your confidence in their abilities to organise and sort their possessions (affirmation) and that you know they can do it (respect).

It is so important at this time that you affirm them positively. You do not want to point out what isn’t done but what is. So when they clean their room up for the first time, help them so that they are not overwhelmed with the task. Make it fun. Every time they pick something up and put it away, praise them effusively (go over the top). It may feel completely strange and unnatural but do it anyway. They will love it. Remember that at this point the issue is to encourage. If they miss picking something up or they are getting off track, don’t jump on their actions instead help them. Affirm them, affirm them, affirm them! Praise will bring positive responses.

Follow through with the one change for at least a month before you look at bringing anything new into the picture. You want to reinforce the behaviour with positive affirmation and consistency. Consistency will create good practises and habits in your children.

After the first initial step of organizing, you can use a praise sandwich to bring correction. If you see there is something they are not doing, start the conversation with something positive like ‘Wow, your room is looking so good, you’re doing a great job, I’m so proud of you.” Then say, if its clothes that aren’t being put in the laundry bin, something like ‘Do you think you could put the clothes on the floor in the laundry bin if they are dirty, or the dresser if they are clean?” Then come back with how wonderful their room is and what a great job they are doing. Bless them. Tell them they are great. Make the necessary change incidental not primary in the conversation. They will make the change easily as they are feeling good about themselves.

The emphasis needs to be on the positive, what’s been achieved, how happy you are with them and what a good job they are doing. They will respond to any correction easily as it does not emphasize failure or unhappiness. Praise and affirmation work miracles in bringing about change.

(image courtesy of StuartMiles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Who’s The Teacher?

13/1/2014

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Consciously or unconsciously there is a very strong tendency to defer to the one seen as in authority. We defer to ministers, to teachers, to lawyers, to doctors, government officials and to officers of the law. Without thinking about it we feel safe letting these people make decisions that affect our lives. Often their decisions are not in our best interest. Their perspective may be completely limited due to time constraints or lack of interest or simply a need for expediency as they have so many more to deal with. (I am not advocating anarchy, i.e., everyone doing what is right in his or her own eyes.) I am saying we need to maintain a sense of responsibility.

Our children often can’t wait to go to school. As parents it can be a wonderful, emotive time. The fact that they are growing up and becoming such independent little people makes us proud. But there’s also the trauma of letting them go because they’re so small and loveable. We entrust them to the school and to their trained teachers. We think these people know what’s best for our children and will teach them far better than we can. So we trust.

That trust can be a problem. It allows a chasm to occur between our children and us. The world of education can overwhelm us and so we feel inadequate to ask them questions about their day, what they learned, how they felt about things. We become outsiders to our children regarding their education. This feeling can be even more exasperated by parent – teacher interviews where the teacher may inadvertently resort to using their educational vocabulary which leaves us completely confused and feeling even more disempowered.

We end up with children who say they did nothing at school when asked what they did during the day. They answer fine when we ask how was school. Essentially blanking us.

We need to push past this for the sake of our child and their teachers. To do so we need to recognise that we are our child’s first and most primary teacher. We taught them to walk, to talk, to behave, to have manners, to be nice, to share and often some of their numbers and alphabet. We are not incompetent. After the school year is over we will still be their primary teacher while next year they will have a new one.

Bonnie and I are trained teachers. When we had our first children, the twins, we taught them to count to 20, to recognise numbers and letters. At 4 Joel was ready to read. He was tracing letters with his finger asking us what it was and what the word said. We were unsure of teaching him to read for primary school (grades 1 to 3) had not been our area of expertise. The nursery school teacher said not to worry that the kindergarten teacher would teach him to read starting in September. Our mistake! She didn’t teach him anything, seriously!

We were so mad at the end of the year for not teaching him ourselves. His interest in learning to read disappeared (for there are windows of readiness for learning in a child’s life that don’t stay open for ever). Bonnie taught both of the twins to read at home the next year. Becky was now ready and took to it easily. Joel had lost interest and it was much harder to teach him. In fact he struggled with reading until he was 9 when once again he took off.

If we stay involved in our children’s education, they will benefit hugely. The teachers will also find it helpful, as your child will probably be more eager to learn. Your assistance and awareness can smooth learning difficulties and social problems. If there is a problem, you are on top of it at the beginning not after it is deeply entrenched and more difficult to correct.

We, the parents, are our children’s teachers. Authorities are not our adversaries but are there to assist us as we live up to our responsibility. We are the cake and the teachers and other authorities supply the icing.

(image courtesy of rakratchada torsap/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Consistently (Part 2)

3/12/2013

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Do you know what the problem is with this advice? The problem is that establishing consistency requires that you act when it is inconvenient and uncomfortable. You have a friend over for coffee and little Lily is drawing on the wall with a crayon. You say, “Stop that or I’ll throw the crayons in the bin.” Oops! Did you say that? You thought that the gravity of that threat might convince her to stop. The problem with this kind of threat is it is unrealistic, punishing both you and your child. If you are going to make your word true, you have to throw a whole box of crayons in the bin. That costs you financially because you will want to replace them later. It costs you the inconvenience, as you will have to go to a store to buy them. It costs you in that your child can no longer do something they may really enjoy and that is a quiet, often solitary, activity. In your child’s eyes it is a very extreme response in relation to what she were doing. It could even be viewed as hurtful in that you are taking such drastic action. This kind of statement really creates a ‘no win’ situation for you. If you don’t follow through, you lose. If you do, you lose.

So your friend is over and you at last have a chance for some adult conversation, some time for yourself. You’re right in the midst of a lovely conversation and Lily is drawing on the wall. I understand what it is like to just want to have some time for you. It will never come if you don’t do something about it now. You need to sacrifice your pleasure now for a far more pleasurable future with your child. Get up from your coffee, walk over to Lily and say in a calm voice, “I don’t want you to colour the wall, Lily.” Take her back to the desk or table or spot where the colouring book is and tell her to colour there. Take action. Do not let it escalate until you are angry or she has done some great amount of damage.

Now we have done enough parenting seminars to know what you are thinking about what we have prescribed. You are thinking, “Right, like Lily is just going to nicely cooperate with me? So, now she is screaming and shouting and kicking her feet. What do I do with that? Seems to me this action has just escalated the problem.” That may happen depending on what level of training your child is at. This will be dealt with in another chapter.

The point of this chapter and the fundamental truth of parenting is to walk your talk. Do something to correct the behaviour and do it consistently day after day. This will produce an incredibly peaceful, well-behaved child. If you ignore this reality, their behaviour will get worse and you will not enjoy their childhood.

(excerpt from Chapter 3 of 24 Secrets to Great Parenting, Pg. 21)

(image courtesy of Photokanok /FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Consistently

25/11/2013

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Have you ever been in a restaurant or shop and heard a haggard parent saying: “If you touch that, or if you don’t sit down, I’m going to do something to correct you”? The correction is usually a threat of some description, aimed to instantly evoke an obedient response from their child. Instead the child ignores them and keeps on doing what they were doing before the threat. Or in some cases they increase their misguided behaviour. What do the parents do?

Nothing!

No action to back their words up. They usually just repeat some inane threat that the child completely ignores by continuing to do just exactly what he or she wants.

What is the problem? The problem is not the child, the problem is the parent. Idle threats with no consequences! In fact, if they heardsomeone else saying the things that they have just said, they would laugh at how ridiculous it sounds. The child knows that their Mummy or Daddy is not going to walk the talk. They have learned that their parent’s yes is not a yes and their no does not mean no.

Why do parents do this?

One reason they give is they are afraid of the consequences of correcting their child in public, in case someone reports them to social services as an unfit parent. There are a number of flaws in this argument. Firstly, if you don’t teach your child to be obedient to your authority, they will most likely get you into a situation at some point in their life, where you will have to deal with the authorities regarding the appropriateness of their behaviour. Secondly, it is basically a mirror image of the lack of authority and respect that exists in the home. Thirdly, it shows a mistaken idea that obedience is acquired through physical punishment, such as a smack on the backside.

To cultivate obedience in your child you need to walk the talk. You need to act on your words and to do that consistently. Did I say consistently? Yes! Consistently! If you are inconsistent, you lose the effectiveness of what you are trying to accomplish. A child needs your consistency in saying what you will do and then doing it. If you are going to shape their behaviour and ultimately their attitudes, you will only do it through consistently backing up your words with action.

(excerpt from Chapter 3 of 24 Secrets to Great Parenting, Pg. 21)
(image courtesy of Vichaya Kiatying-Angsulee/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Choices

8/11/2013

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Do you have a strong willed child? One who says no to everything you ask them to do? Does your child fight you on going to bed or other things?

Are you tired of fighting them? Are you at a loss of what to do next?

Have you considered giving them a choice? Instead of telling them what to do and initiating the fight why not give them well-selected choices. We used to say to the children you can go outside or you can go to your room and read. What do you want to do?

Very recently I heard of a mother who was so tired of fighting their little boy over going to bed she just didn’t know what to do. A friend suggested giving him a choice. So she said to him at bedtime, ‘Do you want to run upstairs for bed or do you want me to give you a piggyback instead?’ He immediately said ‘piggyback ride”, jumped on her back and went happily to bed. His mother was so surprised that something so easy worked so well.

It’s actually good practise. You are training them to make good decisions. If they can’t decide for themselves whether they will have a fish burger or a chicken burger or to go outside or stay inside, how will they make more serious decisions when they get bigger. We had 4 children, one who knew instantly what she wanted to eat, the others um-ed and aw-ed for awhile before they finally decided. It was at times painfully slow but they learned to ask for what they wanted. Small decisions are the basis for learning to make more significant ones.

Coaching works on this principle. People will follow through on what they decide to do. You can offer excellent suggestions and advice to someone but unless it is their idea they won’t follow through. So it is with children too. If you give them some options to choose from, they will happily follow through on their choice.

Why not give it a try?
(image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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I SAID!!!

1/11/2013

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When I trained to be a teacher a number of the professors emphasized over and over again that yelling at the students would lose its effectiveness if used too often. The students are no longer shocked by the raised voice. It becomes the norm and they simply ignore it. While if this happens in school, it will happen at home too.

Do you feel your children are ignoring your requests? Do you feel frustrated? Could it be you have numbed them to your voice by yelling too much? What do you sound like? What do your kids sound like? Why don’t you try recording your family interaction either with a video or audio device? We all have phones now that can do both. You might be surprised at how often you raise your voice in regard to talking to your children. If your children yell often, you have an indicator of what you are doing. Where would they have learned it? Who modelled it for them?

Volume rarely motivates action. Most of the time a small, still voice will be more effective. They need to quieten down to hear you. Initially it may not happen but if you speak softly and carry out your words they will tune in to what you are saying. If you quietly say ‘stop colouring there’ and there is no response, then remove the crayons, move them to another spot and redirect their activity. If you say ‘it is time to get off the computer’ and they ignore you, then go to the computer and shut it down. If you say ‘time for bed, go get your pyjamas on’ and they don’t, then take them by the hand to their room and help them change. Sure they may kick up a fuss but don’t give in. The longer you have yelled at them without any consequences the longer it will take to change a habit. Consistency is a parent’s best friend.

You may not like the effort it takes to be consistent in changing from a loud yell to a soft voice but it was consistently using a loud voice that got you into this place. Consistency works to reinforce either good or poor behaviour. Use it to effectively bring about positive change.

Do you want change? Are you tired of their unresponsiveness? Frustrated? Well, we need to look at the things we can change that will bring a positive response. Only we can do that.
(image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Do You Have a Philosophy?

25/10/2013

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As our children have married and had their own children we thought they would know what to do, that they would raise their children as they were raised. Why would they do it any differently as we did such a great job? In our opinion! But over the last few years they have asked for help. What did we do? What would we do in this situation? It dawned on us that they experienced our philosophy of childrearing and they are the product of it, hopefully also the beneficiaries of it too, but they were not students of it as they grew up. They didn’t study it. They lived it. So now that they are raising children they have to develop their own philosophy.

Do we have a philosophy of childrearing? You betcha! That’s what we share with you in the blogs and is the basis of our book, 24 Secrets to Great Parenting, as well as the DVD, 8 Questions Parents Want Answered.

Bonnie and I spent many hours developing our philosophy over coffee breaks starting even before we had children. We would discuss what we would like to see in our children’s character and behaviour. Sometimes that would be a process of thinking through what we would do as a reaction to what we had just witnessed by some child. We’d say, “I don’t want my child to do that. So what will we do to not have them behave like that? What would be appropriate?” Then we would labour away coming up with ideas and suggestions as to what we might do. The agreed course of action became our philosophy.

Philosophy is not only an academic study devoted to the systematic examination of basic concepts such as truth, existence, reality, causality, and freedom taught at university. It also means a set of beliefs or aims underlying somebody's practice or conduct.

Do you have such a philosophy regarding your children? You don’t have to call it a philosophy to have one. Do you know what you are going to do in different situations? Do you know what character traits you want to establish in your children’s lives? Or is the whole idea a foreign concept to you? Do you think doing the right thing with your children will come naturally like breathing?

Most businesses have a philosophy that they adhere to; it contains their mission and their attitude towards customers. Schools have philosophies that they want to see consistently applied by their staff. In many ways it’s like a manual of good business practises.

I have a friend who ended up as the supervisor of a department in a grocery store. He had never worked in this type of position before, nor had he worked for this company before. When he was unsure of what to do he looked for their operational manual. They didn’t have one as the practises where passed on from manager to staff verbally. If you didn’t work in that particular capacity with the firm, you were clueless as to what they expected or as to what to do. He then set about writing a manual for them to make it easier in the future for new hires that didn’t work their way up the organisation.

If businesses will do this, why wouldn’t we give the time and thought to do the same for our family. Why simply let life happen and hope for the best? Why not take action and create the kind of future you want to see for your family? It truly is worth the time and effort. It’s also good for your marriage by spending time together talking about one of the most important things in your life.
(image courtesy of t0zz @ FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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The Donut Shop

8/10/2013

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Bonnie and I were in a Canadian institution, Tim Horton’s, having a coffee when a father came in with his very cute 3 year old. She could only see the confectionary in the front counter, as her father didn’t lift her up to see anything else on the shelving behind. She said she wanted the brown one. He said no and talked to the waitress. The little girl said again a little louder that she wanted the brown one. It was apparent that he disagreed although we couldn’t hear his response. How did we know? She started to jump up and down as children do when they are throwing a tantrum and whining I want the brown one. Then she stopped. She realized we were watching her and she went shy hiding behind her father’s knee.

Why would she start throwing a tantrum in a restaurant? Why did she go to this response when her father said no? Why? Because it worked before for her! If it didn’t work, she wouldn’t do it. Her father had resisted twice but she had moved the anti up, as “no” wasn’t enough for her.

She was so little and so sweet. But she had learned this behaviour. It’s effective and gets her what she wants. I have observed younger siblings learning this behaviour from their older siblings. They see the interaction between their brothers and sisters with their parents and they imitate it. It worked for them; it’ll work for me.

This is what we have labelled as having spongy boundaries. Your no isn’t no, it’s a maybe which can be pushed into a yes. Children want their way. Should they always have their way? No! They don’t know what is best for them. One couple I knew left their 2 year old up at night after they went to bed as it was too much effort to fight with him over bedtime. What is that? It’s certainly not responsible parenting. A 2 year old should never be left to their own devices without adequate parental supervision. Tragic situations could occur.

One friend let her 3 and 1 year old get their breakfast while she slept in. Until one morning when she came down to the kitchen and found it covered in flour, milk and eggs as the children had tried to make pancakes. It was indeed a wake up call.

Why let a tantrum happen? Why give in? You’re bigger! You’re the Dad! You’re the Mom! Don’t give in to every whim for their sake. Stand your ground and be the leader. Oh, change will take some time but they will eventually get the message. What’s that? Your no is no!
(Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Words

13/12/2012

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Unexpectedly this Sunday I was privileged to be at a meeting where a group of ladies from a home for recovery from drug and alcohol addictions danced and spoke about their lives. I was amazed at how frankly honest they were about what led up to their addiction and their recovery. They shared about their trials, their attempts to get free, their failures and their successes. I was deeply moved by each individual’s story.

One woman told us that she had been told repeatedly from a small girl that she was ugly. On top of that her abuser told her not only was she ugly but that this was all she was good for. From there it was a spiral downwards accelerated by this massive sense of worthlessness. In her late 30s she was now finding a sense of self-worth and personal acceptance but those words were still stinging in her ears. When she shared this, tears came to my eyes as I felt her pain and anguish. I wanted to roar at the top of my lungs: “No little girl should ever hear those words!” I thought of my own lovely daughters with the bows and ribbons in their hair, the frilly lacy dresses and fancy shoes twirling about the house basking in daddy’s approval for they were his princesses.

It is hard to believe the devastation that is wrought through one word. It doesn’t have to be the word “ugly”. That’s only one of many negative and life-sapping words. “You can’t do it” or “you’re a pain” or “you’ll always be a failure” or “don’t be stupid” are words full of devastation. These words can be carelessly tossed out, said in what is supposed to be humour or spoken with hatred or deep-seated resentment. No matter what the motive the wound is just as deep. They work like viruses of the soul, weakening the confidence and hope, multiplying until the soul is overwhelmed with weakness and despair. The drugs or alcohol are all escape mechanisms. If I can’t hear it anymore, if it’s all blurred, if I’m wasted, then I find some relief from the pain and torment.

I’m not a counsellor or drug and alcohol therapist. I just know the power of negative words. My self-worth was hammered consistently throughout my school years until I was desperate for success and despairing that it wouldn’t happen. I wasn’t physically abused but I had my share of verbal abuse. No matter how well I did in school I couldn’t please the most important man on earth. I learned to build different protection mechanisms to cope with life. Maybe if I hadn’t met Bonnie, I would have ended up there. I am so thankful that someone who knew the power of words came into my life. Out of her mouth flowed words of affirmation and love, a true testimony to her upbringing for you can’t give what you haven’t received. It takes many more positive words to undo the effect of one negative.

As parents we can shape a life so easily one way or the other through the power of our words. We are writing the future of our children upon their souls with the words we most consistently say to them. We can write greatness starting with three simple words – I love you!
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Start Small

Somebody Praise Me!

Who’s The Teacher?

Consistently (Part 2)

Consistently

Choices

I SAID!!!

Do You Have a Philosophy?

The Donut Shop

Words

Jim Inkster

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