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I SAID!!!

1/11/2013

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When I trained to be a teacher a number of the professors emphasized over and over again that yelling at the students would lose its effectiveness if used too often.  The students are no longer shocked by the raised voice.  It becomes the norm and they simply ignore it.  While if this happens in school, it will happen at home too.

Do you feel your children are ignoring your requests?  Do you feel frustrated?  Could it be you have numbed them to your voice by yelling too much?  What do you sound like?  What do your kids sound like?  Why don’t you try recording your family interaction either with a video or audio device?  We all have phones now that can do both.  You might be surprised at how often you raise your voice in regard to talking to your children.  If your children yell often, you have an indicator of what you are doing.  Where would they have learned it?  Who modelled it for them?

Volume rarely motivates action.  Most of the time a small, still voice will be more effective.  They need to quieten down to hear you.  Initially it may not happen but if you speak softly and carry out your words they will tune in to what you are saying.  If you quietly say ‘stop colouring there’ and there is no response, then remove the crayons, move them to another spot and redirect their activity.  If you say ‘it is time to get off the computer’ and they ignore you, then go to the computer and shut it down.  If you say ‘time for bed, go get your pyjamas on’ and they don’t, then take them by the hand to their room and help them change.  Sure they may kick up a fuss but don’t give in.  The longer you have yelled at them without any consequences the longer it will take to change a habit.  Consistency is a parent’s best friend. 

You may not like the effort it takes to be consistent in changing from a loud yell to a soft voice but it was consistently using a loud voice that got you into this place.  Consistency works to reinforce either good or poor behaviour.  Use it to effectively bring about positive change.

Do you want change?  Are you tired of their unresponsiveness?  Frustrated?  Well, we need to look at the things we can change that will bring a positive response.  Only we can do that.
(image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Defaulting

12/7/2013

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Computers have brought us a new definition of the word “default”.  It means the preset selection of an option offered by a system, which will always be followed except when explicitly altered.  For example a program/me may have a specific font such as ‘Times New Roman’ that is set for every new document you open.  This is generally helpful and convenient unless you don’t like that particular font.  The system is preset to follow this course of action unless it is explicitly altered.  In other words it won’t accidently switch.  You have to really work at changing it.

It’s funny that this word is used because its other definitions are all along the line of failure... failure to act; inaction or neglect, failure to meet financial obligations, failure to comply with a legal obligation, in sports failure to appear for or complete a match.  (With one particular operating system the word, default, seems apropos.)

In life there are many things we do by default, our preset mode.  We just don’t think about them anymore.  Do you follow the same route to work all the time?  Do you even think about it?  Have you ever driven to work and realized you were barely aware of your surroundings?

I have gone on a number of diets over the years.  The weight loss goal was easily attained but maintaining the goal weight is another story.  Once I have lost the weight I slowly move away from the prescribed low fat rabbit food and move back to the full fat, deeply satisfying, enjoyable convenience foods.  Peanut butter and honey on my toast, cream in my coffee, a wee bit of chocolate, a biscuit, a hamburger, and…. suddenly I’m more robust (or is that rotund?) in figure.  I like my default diet and it likes me.  I know because it sticks around.

I have not decided to explicitly reset my default mode to salads and no fat dressings.  For me it has always been a temporary setting so that I can reach a short-term goal so that I can go back to the way I have always eaten hoping this time I will not regain the weight I lost.  I reset the font to ‘Helvetica’ only to find after a time it’s back to ‘Times New Roman’.  Is this not the definition of ‘insanity’, doing the same things over and over again hoping for a different outcome?

In our relationships we often realize things are not working out well but we continue to act the same way.  We yell at our children and they yell back.  We nag our partner about something and they do it even more.  What do we do?  We nag them even more.

If we want things to change, we have to explicitly change our default settings.  We may have acquired those settings from our manufacturers and don’t realize they aren’t the best choice for us.  We need to wake up, make the decision to change our defaults, and then be alert for that glitch where we switch back to the old mode.  If we can catch it right then, we can avert sliding back to what we once were.  We can change if we decide we don’t like our default setting.  The catalyst to changing the default is whether we dislike it or not.
(images courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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    Jim Inkster

    Hi guys, this is where we do the talking!

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