The bedroom window was wide open tonight as I turned off the light.  I lay there listening to the construction activity coming from the new development across the road from us.  It was the weekend and here they were working after midnight.  I understand why they are as the area is extremely busy during the day with shoppers filling the parking lot.  But a thought struck me regarding these workers and their families.  When do they get quality time together?

Back in the olden days there were very few night shift jobs, stores were closed on Sundays and the weekend was generally seen as a time for family, even if it did mean doing the grocery shopping on Saturday with half the families in the city.  There was a law called the Lord’s Day Act, which prohibited retailers from being open on Sundays.  In Canada in 1982 the Supreme Court struck the law down as unconstitutional because it was bias to the Christian faith and forced this day of rest upon everyone regardless of what they believed.  From that point on businesses could open on Sundays.  Countries around the world that had a similar act have done the same thing over the last 30 years or so. 

I can see the concern regarding imposing one’s faith upon others through the law but I also see a fairly strong connection with the breakdown of the family unit.  Before I become ostracized for a narrow view let me say that there are other factors at work in the break down of families.  But one thing a healthy family needs is good quality time together.  Without time together you are cohabiting but not necessarily truly knowing each other.  When do you play together?  When do you get a chance to have fun and laugh together?  When do you rest together?

Our world is extremely busy.  We have parents working, children in school, after school clubs, hobbies, extra-curricular evening classes and sports.  We need an organisational genius to keep the calendar for the family functioning without one of the children being left at school or the ball game.  The problem with non-stop activity is the body can’t take it.  We get fatigued physically and mentally.  We are more likely to be short tempered and reactive to others when we are tired.  We really stop seeing each other at our best but more often at our worst.  How do we have the resources within us to handle one more problem, one more stressful occurrence?  How will we response in the best way for all concerned when we are tired?

A good solid family takes time together.  Rightly or wrongly the Lord’s Day Act gave the family time together.  You didn’t have to go to church; you just had the time available if you wished to.  So the government no longer forces us to have a rest, it’s now up to us to see that it happens for the sake of our loved ones and ultimately for the sake of our societies.  Good families create good societies to live in.
(image courtesy of Poulsen Photo/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

The other day a friend told us that her granddaughter informed her that the next time grandma came she could bring her any one of these three gifts.  This is a child whose love language is receiving gifts.  She specified what choices were acceptable but also made it clear that a gift was expected. 

After being away on a trip the child that greets you at the door with the comment, ‘Where’s my gift?’ is revealing that his or her love language is receiving gifts.  If you give someone an unexpected gift and they are completely delighted, you’ve probably spoken love to them.

One young man I knew used to buy his wife a bouquet of flowers or a chocolate bar on the way home.  He said it wasn’t the cost but the gift that mattered and it paid dividends.  His wife said her love language was quality time but she was fooling herself.  She lights up when she gets any kind of gift. 

You can see this language clearly at Christmas.  The people who give the most gifts tend to be motivated by this love language.  Any suggestion of taking the money spent on Christmas gifts and buying an ox for a villager in Africa are not taken kindly.

We had friends who didn’t spend time talking to each other.  Their idea of a date night is enrolling in an evening class together where they work on separate projects but sit next to each other.  But when they aren’t feeling loved it is because they haven’t received a gift in what seems like a long time to them.  It may only be a month but that’s devastating for them.

Children who receive love through this language will respond well to a reward system of behaviour modification.  This is where you give them a star on a chart for helpful, correct behaviour.  If their behaviour is negative you take away a star, only rewarding correct behaviour.  At the end of the week if they have been rewarded with a set number of stars you give them a gift.  They will shine with pride when they receive the reward at the end of the time.

If you are still stymied at identifying whether this is your child’s love language, think about whether they are always making you something as a gift.  Do they give you paintings, little toys, share candies without you asking or pick dandelions and bring them to you?  These are children who love through gifts.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Unexpectedly this Sunday I was privileged to be at a meeting where a group of ladies from a home for recovery from drug and alcohol addictions danced and spoke about their lives.  I was amazed at how frankly honest they were about what led up to their addiction and their recovery.  They shared about their trials, their attempts to get free, their failures and their successes.  I was deeply moved by each individual’s story. 

One woman told us that she had been told repeatedly from a small girl that she was ugly.  On top of that her abuser told her not only was she ugly but that this was all she was good for.  From there it was a spiral downwards accelerated by this massive sense of worthlessness.  In her late 30s she was now finding a sense of self-worth and personal acceptance but those words were still stinging in her ears.  When she shared this, tears came to my eyes as I felt her pain and anguish.  I wanted to roar at the top of my lungs: “No little girl should ever hear those words!”  I thought of my own lovely daughters with the bows and ribbons in their hair, the frilly lacy dresses and fancy shoes twirling about the house basking in daddy’s approval for they were his princesses. 

It is hard to believe the devastation that is wrought through one word.  It doesn’t have to be the word “ugly”.  That’s only one of many negative and life-sapping words.  “You can’t do it” or “you’re a pain” or “you’ll always be a failure” or “don’t be stupid” are words full of devastation.  These words can be carelessly tossed out, said in what is supposed to be humour or spoken with hatred or deep-seated resentment.  No matter what the motive the wound is just as deep.  They work like viruses of the soul, weakening the confidence and hope, multiplying until the soul is overwhelmed with weakness and despair.  The drugs or alcohol are all escape mechanisms.  If I can’t hear it anymore, if it’s all blurred, if I’m wasted, then I find some relief from the pain and torment.

I’m not a counsellor or drug and alcohol therapist.  I just know the power of negative words.  My self-worth was hammered consistently throughout my school years until I was desperate for success and despairing that it wouldn’t happen.  I wasn’t physically abused but I had my share of verbal abuse.  No matter how well I did in school I couldn’t please the most important man on earth.  I learned to build different protection mechanisms to cope with life.  Maybe if I hadn’t met Bonnie, I would have ended up there.  I am so thankful that someone who knew the power of words came into my life.  Out of her mouth flowed words of affirmation and love, a true testimony to her upbringing for you can’t give what you haven’t received.  It takes many more positive words to undo the effect of one negative.

As parents we can shape a life so easily one way or the other through the power of our words.  We are writing the future of our children upon their souls with the words we most consistently say to them.  We can write greatness starting with three simple words – I love you!
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Life work balance is a phrase being bantered around in the UK at the moment.  Essentially it is the balance between work, family and recreation.  I found many years ago as a teenager that life was no longer about play but about work and responsibility.  It was about getting ahead in life and prospering financially.  This need to excel in work led to university and a constant pressure to beat the other students in marks and achievements.  We were joining groups, doing activities and sports for the sake of padding out our curriculum vitae (or résumé) to impress future employers.  Gradually the joy of living was being eroded by this expectation to succeed.  Life became very, very serious.

When life becomes very serious, a form of death works in you.  You worry about what you are doing.  You question everything you do.  Did I study enough?  Did I have enough references for that essay?  Did I present well in that interview?  The inevitable effect of worry is a lack of sleep, tiredness, a lack of joy, and fluctuations in weight and body functions.  Mental anguish will manifest physically.

The government cannot legislate a balanced life style for you.  Only you can make a decision to change your life style.  I read a few years ago of a young man who was excelling in the finance arena of the city of London.  He had the Aston Martin, the big house and absolutely no time at all to enjoy them.  He didn’t see his children and missed every special event in their lives.  He and his partner decided enough is enough.  He resigned from his position, they sold the cars and the house, and then they moved to the west of the country where he opened a small painting and decorating business.  He wanted the time with his family.

Even a blog on how to parent your children can potentially take the joy out of having children.  If all you are doing is focusing on how to do everything right to have the best children, you will make it a business and not a family.  The wonderful thing about family is their devotion to each other despite their shortcomings.  Love overlooks many faults and failings.  I could criticize my brothers but don’t you dare try.  Even more dangerous is saying something negative about my children or grandchildren.  Family is never going to be perfect but it should be accepting.

We determined as a couple that whatever we did and wherever we lived we would have fun with our children.  We purposed to have fun.  We planned it; we made it a part of our daily life.  I would come home from work and play with the children.  The photo with the blog is an example of our daily routine.  Jess was 2 and Jared was 5.  They both wanted to play the games we played with the older two.  It didn’t have to be a long time.  Ten minutes to half an hour a day will more than suffice.  It is better to do a little all the time than a lot erratically.  Not only did they feel loved and enjoy the playing it was good for me.  It put life back into proper perspective.  It  also gave me a physical outlet to the stress that had built up during the day.

If you find yourself consumed with concern for the success of your family, it may well be time for you to have some fun with them.  It’s simply healthy for all of you.