Category: Listening

Are You Listening?

15/11/2013

When I was a young man, I was often complemented on what a good listener I was. To me it was important if someone was speaking to me that I really focused on what they said. I was very present and alert. I often wondered how people could not really listen to someone speaking to them. As I have gotten older and older I have had more and more on my mind. I know it is hard to believe that a man could multitask but my career has forced me to keep many plates in the air spinning at the same time. What I have found is that although I’m there in a room with family I’m not necessarily present. I have had to start practising the discipline of being present.

What do I mean by that? When members of the family are arriving for a visit, I have to purposefully stop what I am doing and in essence close up shop in my mind. If I allow business to go on as usual, I will be sitting with the family not really listening. At times all I could think of was getting back on the computer to check this idea out or write an email to resolve some situation. I have heard the family laughing and then realized I haven’t got a clue what was said that was so funny. Bonnie and I now have a little pact where I go through a ritual of laying everything down before the children arrive so that I am present.

In one home we visited the children only spoke to their mother at dinner even though their father was at the table too. He would say something, they would look at him and then turn back to their mother and address her. I asked the parents about this phenomenon after dinner. The father said it was his fault. Over the years even though he was there in body at dinner in his mind he was totally preoccupied. The children had learned this and only talked to their mother who was present in mind and body.

Our presence is so essential to our children. It reinforces their sense of worth and value. Your body being in the house does not tell them that you love them. You need to be engaged with them. The old saying that children need to be seen but not heard is ridiculous. It so undervalues a human being. We need to be supportive, encouraging and actually reading between the lines for nuances of problems that our children are having. This takes concentration. I know what it is like to have so many different thoughts and needs spinning around in my head. But I have found that when I actually put them aside the break and the good company refresh me. I am in a better place to deal with all the pressing matters after a break with the family than if I kept on working. Try it, you’ll find it pays dividends.

(image courtesy of Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

0 Comments

I SAID!!!

1/11/2013

0 Comments

When I trained to be a teacher a number of the professors emphasized over and over again that yelling at the students would lose its effectiveness if used too often. The students are no longer shocked by the raised voice. It becomes the norm and they simply ignore it. While if this happens in school, it will happen at home too.

Do you feel your children are ignoring your requests? Do you feel frustrated? Could it be you have numbed them to your voice by yelling too much? What do you sound like? What do your kids sound like? Why don’t you try recording your family interaction either with a video or audio device? We all have phones now that can do both. You might be surprised at how often you raise your voice in regard to talking to your children. If your children yell often, you have an indicator of what you are doing. Where would they have learned it? Who modelled it for them?

Volume rarely motivates action. Most of the time a small, still voice will be more effective. They need to quieten down to hear you. Initially it may not happen but if you speak softly and carry out your words they will tune in to what you are saying. If you quietly say ‘stop colouring there’ and there is no response, then remove the crayons, move them to another spot and redirect their activity. If you say ‘it is time to get off the computer’ and they ignore you, then go to the computer and shut it down. If you say ‘time for bed, go get your pyjamas on’ and they don’t, then take them by the hand to their room and help them change. Sure they may kick up a fuss but don’t give in. The longer you have yelled at them without any consequences the longer it will take to change a habit. Consistency is a parent’s best friend.

You may not like the effort it takes to be consistent in changing from a loud yell to a soft voice but it was consistently using a loud voice that got you into this place. Consistency works to reinforce either good or poor behaviour. Use it to effectively bring about positive change.

Do you want change? Are you tired of their unresponsiveness? Frustrated? Well, we need to look at the things we can change that will bring a positive response. Only we can do that.
(image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

0 Comments

No Regrets

19/9/2013

0 Comments

This week I celebrated my youngest son’s 30th birthday with him and his family. I was talking to him about how much has happened in these years. I distinctly and clearly remember the delivery, the first time I held him, bringing him home, the nursery, the look in his eyes and many more things. Then I thought of him in school and all the plays and concerts he performed in. The musical training, the sports, the graduation ceremonies all passed through my mind as did his romance and wedding.

It is especially potent and touching in light of his wife being so close to her due date with their second child. It is some times hard to believe!

I said to him that he sits before me as a testimony to his 30 years and yet it seems like yesterday when I sat in that hospital. The closest thing I could relate it to is the experience of how you feel during an accident. Everything seems to happen clearly and slowly, yet you couldn’t stop it or take the simplest action to avert it. Afterwards you think, “Did I just miss it because I didn’t move or was it really that quick that I couldn’t?"

I said to him the years seemed to pass slowly and yet here he is as a father soon to experience what I have. When your children are young, you can be in a hurry to get them to the next stage and then the one after that. You can be racing them through life with lessons and practises and running to this game and that event without taking the time to enjoy them. Do you ever think, “Oh no, not another parent – teacher meeting or another school concert or another game to watch”? If you do, you could be wearing yourself thin rushing through life without really enjoying it.

My advice from my present perspective to you, parents of dependent children, is to slow down and enjoy the moment. Watch them. Observe their actions, meditate on their comments and write a book of remembrance. Praise them for who they are, in fact… be very lavish with your praise. Your words will far outlast anything else you do. Make them sweet and life giving, for you are building their hope for their future.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

0 Comments

Built to Last

5/7/2013

0 Comments

We often drive past a business complex that was built in the 70s and was considered quite smart then. Today it is slowly emptying as business leases are not being renewed. It is obvious that these 40-year-old buildings are going to be demolished. The entire complex looks tired, worn out and dated.

When I first saw the buildings I thought they were modern and trendy, the kind of place you would want to have your business. Now its condition does nothing to promote anyone’s business. If anything it hinders your curb appeal.

Doesn’t it seem odd that someone would construct a building with such a short lifespan? Having spent 14 years in Europe it is obvious this thinking would be considered very short sighted. For this site to continue to be effective the buildings have to be demolished, the rubble and waste removed, and new ones built to replace the old. How expensive is that? Not only are building costs far higher today than at that time but also the demolition costs are almost as dear. If it had been built with longevity in mind it would have initially been more costly but in the overall scheme far more reasonable on a year on year cost. If they had constructed it with 200 years in mind, it would be totally different.

Rolls Royce automobiles are built to last. The company motto is:” Trusted to Deliver Excellence”. I remember reading a review on one of their models. The Rolls Royce company designers took into consideration every aspect of the car during design. They recognised that a flat panel on the hood/bonnet of the car would look concave to the human eye. So they made the panel slightly convex to create the appearance of a perfectly flat surface. At one time they even included maintenance by a certified Rolls Royce technician anywhere in the world within the price. If your Rolls broke down, they would fly a technician to your country to repair the vehicle. They were not building these cars for a 3 – 5 year life span.

I have shared with you the love language tools. Gary Chapman was inspired in his observations of human behaviour to develop tools that will help us love more completely. You can place these 5 tools in your life skill tool kit and lovingly close the shelf and leave them there. Oh yes, you have them and they are in pristine condition. But it takes effort to use them. There is trial and error. I don’t know how many times I have ripped up my knuckles using a wrench/spanner. I didn’t stop using the tool just because I skinned my knuckles. I tried to anticipate what could happen and make provision to stop it happening again but I still used the tool.

The dilapidated building complex made me think of families. In the past and in some societies today parents and grandparents invest in children with the thought of “building to last”. Some people of faith believe that the time spent on earth is a preparation for eternity, which most definitely would need lasting or staying power.

Like Rolls Royce it takes attention to detail and painstaking effort to get it right. It is expensive but worthy of admiration and desire. I still check out every old Rolls Royce I see. I admire their craftsmanship and think it would be lovely to own. So it is with families. People will admire and desire those who were built to last.
(images courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

0 Comments

Emotive Tools 3

21/6/2013

0 Comments

Remember my friend with the wife whose love language was acts of service. Well the couple we were to meet at the restaurant weren’t all that happy about our late arrival for dinner. Their love language is quality time. So what do you think our tardiness said to them? You’re right! It said we didn’t really love them or we would have been there on time. For someone who loves and feels loved through quality time wasting his or her time is a big mistake.

This creates a conundrum, doesn’t it? Here you have a situation where one person is speaking the love language of their spouse while risking offending dear friends by being late. At this point you’re probably thinking I can’t win so what’s the point in trying. The main point is to love the people closest to you. Then be aware as you move out of the family to what your friends feel. A one off situation like I described will be forgiven but to do it continually will result in a cooling off of the relationship.

With this language the emphasis is on quality. Watching a movie with your children isn’t quality time unless there is some follow up on the movie. What did you like? What was your favourite line? The funniest part? Talking and joking about it makes it into a quality time event.

One of our children said they were frustrated by their friends sending gifts for their birthday when all they really wanted to do was spend time with them. This child’s love language is quality time. The gifts were ok but not really love to them.

How do you identify this language? If the other person wants to talk or play together at something that is interactive, then they are quality time lovers. Watching you play, or sitting in the cinema together does not do the trick. They prefer a quiet intimate restaurant for a special evening out or catching a coffee at a local shop as long as they are conversing with you. They aren’t looking to gobble their meal down so that you can get to the movie. They want to talk.

Kids want to play cards or board games if their love language is quality time. They will want to go for a walk or play sports. They just simply want to be together with you. It’s all about connection.
(image provided by FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

0 Comments

Head Over Heels

24/5/2013

1 Comment

A number of years ago I had an experience with a tool that was totally new to me. On the land we had purchased with friends we built a cottage. My friend, Phil, was well versed with the finer aspects of carpentry and construction. I on the other hand had only experienced construction from the perspective of a gopher. My father would allow me to hold thing in place or ‘go for’ a board or ‘go for’ the nail he dropped or ‘go for’ whatever he wanted. This imbalance of experience led to a novel and new experience for me. It was a power hole auger. Basically that’s a large auger bit below a gasoline engine mounted on pretzel shaped handlebars. Simple but effective! Two people hold the handles in place as the engine turns the auger into the ground, which draws earth up out of the hole.

Our goal was to drill 12 holes into which we would fit forms for concrete to be poured to create pile foundations for the cottage we were going to build. What could go wrong? Aw…! Phil made the fatal mistake of thinking I understood what would happen when we used this machine. He said to me whatever you do don’t let go of the handle. Whatever you say, Phil.

The soil was fairly sandy but had stones buried in it. We hit a stone about a foot into the ground. I didn’t realize that the stone would resist the auger and stop the bit initially until the torque from the engine pried it loose. When we hit the stone, the bit stopped, the engine kept right on turning and the handle snapped out of my hands. I really hadn’t been holding that tightly as I had no idea what this machine was doing. Unfortunately Phil didn’t let go. He took off into space and landed on his back about 6 feet away from the hole. He gave me the look. You know the one – hey, stupid, I told you to hold onto the handle. Probably didn’t help that I laughed as I saw him in flight.

We got right back at it and the stone came up. It was about the size of a large baked potato. We kept on and hit another stone. Whammo, Phil went flying! I still didn’t have the concept of how hard you had to hold on. One more look! (I hate the look, don’t you?) From that point on we finished 11 of the holes with no further space flights. On the twelfth hole we hit a rock. I was locked onto those handles like a vise. Phil let go. I took off into the air like a rocket. I saw the sky, ground and sky again before I collided with Mother Earth. What a rush! It was so much fun I wanted to do it again but we didn’t encounter any more rocks on the last hole. Wow!

I know, I know, I wasn’t supposed to enjoy it but I did. It kind of defeated his retaliation for earlier in the day. So, why am I telling you this story? Well, I wanted you to understand that a tool needs to be used to be effective. You can admire their craftsmanship all you like but you have to turn it on for it to be useful. The other thing is you can’t assume someone knows what he or she is doing with a tool. I didn’t have Phil’s experience but through use I soon did.

With parenting in fact in regard to all relationships there are tools that when applied make life easier and more constructive. Bonnie and I have written blogs, a book (called 24 Secrets to Great Parenting which you can buy on Amazon.com), a DVD (which you can buy on our website) and an audio copy of the book (also available on our website). All of these are tools to help you enjoy your family more. There are also a couple of other tools I want to share with you over the next couple of months that if applied will make a huge difference in your relationship and your family. I would really appreciate you trying them out. So often I have observed people taking courses on different things and then it appears like they immediately forget the principles, ideas and techniques that were taught. There seemed to be an initial fascination with the concept but no real change is evident in their lives.

Like the auger we might go head over heels due to our inexperience but why not try?

(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

1 Comment

Yadda, Yadda, Yadda

19/3/2013

2 Comments

Do you ever feel like you need to put one hand over your child or spouse’s ear to make sure what you are saying doesn’t simply pass right through? They may be saying ‘yah, yah!’ but did they really hear you? Are they conscious of what you just said?

A couple of weeks ago my grandson was buttering his toast in the kitchen while his father was speaking at him from upstairs. I was in the kitchen too and could hear what his dad was saying. My grandson just kept working on his toast and said to anyone close who was listening: “Blah, blah, blah!” He verbalised what so many of us are thinking inside while our parent or spouse is rabbiting on about something to us.

Effective communication involves active listening and clear understanding. Bonnie and I recently moved from a small cottage home with two bedrooms upstairs. The house was so small that you could talk to each other with one person in the kitchen and the other in the living room. It was fun but occasionally Bonnie would push the limits. I could hear her upstairs in one of the bedrooms talking at me but I couldn’t distinguish what she was saying. The sound waves had to travel out of the bedroom through a doorway down a stairwell through the room it was in through another doorway across the hall and through the door into the lounge. It didn’t quite make it. I was listening to her but I just couldn’t make out what she was saying.

To know you have been heard you need to be looking at the person, preferably into their eyes so they know you are talking to them, and you need some feedback. What did you hear me say? Ask questions to know there is clarity of understanding. Once there is feedback you can continue to converse without eye to eye contact. Their responses should assure you that they are listening.

Some times we natter at others. We just want to express our frustration or cynicism to them. We can state over and over again the obvious. It may be giving us some release from tension but if we do it too often it guarantees people will blank you out. I know I do this. I know they aren’t listening but there is something in me that just needs to say it. Yadda, yadda, yadda!

If what you have to say is important, remember to make eye contact and ask for some feedback. It’s the only way to know you truly are communicating.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

2 Comments

I Ate the Whole Thing

4/12/2012

1 Comment

Bonnie and I have been helping her parents in Canada for the last few months. Dad and Mom are on their own at 90 and 87 years of age respectively. A bout in the hospital raised the yellow flags that something needed to be done. They are doing well now but have provided some interesting insights on relationship and communication.

As a result my last blog inspired by Bonnie’s mother was about understanding what someone is actually saying. We often just assume we know what the other person means and can be quite wrong. But poor communication isn’t limited to mix ups in cultural interpretations or word meanings. It can be hugely aggravated by other factors like not listening.

The other day we were talking with her parents about going on a road trip to Vancouver Island. There was a great debate over the logistics of the trip. Would Dad be up to more than 3 days away from home? Would they fly down and drive back or vice-versa? Did they want to pay the cost of the flights? When that issue was settled the reality that they might actually be committed to going sunk in. At that point Bonnie’s mother brought forth another litany of problems.

She asked Dad if they even owned a suitcase. He said, “Nope!” She responded, “Are you sure?” To which he said, “Yeah, yeah, I am. I ate it!” At which point the three of us said, “What?” He grinned and said, “Yep! I ate the whole thing!”

The TV had been on, although muted, and he was facing it. I am sure he had no idea what we were talking about. But the suitcase-eating carnivore finished off the possibility of them accompanying us on our trip.

Friends showed us a video series by Mark Gungor called Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage. (http://www.laughyourway.com) In the first DVD he was talking about the differences between the male and female brain. Mark at one point suggested that wives needed to make sure they had the absolute attention of their husband if they were going to tell him something important. He said if the man is doing something he may say he is listening but he’s not. You have to get eye contact for the words to actually sink in. If this doesn’t happen, he may acknowledge he heard you but he didn’t. Don’t be deceived by the “yah, yah!” or the “grunting” acknowledgement.

For the sake of clarity asked the person you are conversing with to repeat what they heard you say. If they can, great! If they can’t, don’t belittle them! Simply repeat it again and ask them to clarify what they heard. This way you can both be on the same page and there will be more harmony at home.
(images provided courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

1 Comment

Are You Listening?

I SAID!!!

No Regrets

Built to Last

Emotive Tools 3

Head Over Heels

Yadda, Yadda, Yadda

I Ate the Whole Thing

Jim Inkster

Archives

Categories