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Are You Listening?

15/11/2013

When I was a young man, I was often complemented on what a good listener I was. To me it was important if someone was speaking to me that I really focused on what they said. I was very present and alert. I often wondered how people could not really listen to someone speaking to them. As I have gotten older and older I have had more and more on my mind. I know it is hard to believe that a man could multitask but my career has forced me to keep many plates in the air spinning at the same time. What I have found is that although I’m there in a room with family I’m not necessarily present. I have had to start practising the discipline of being present.

What do I mean by that? When members of the family are arriving for a visit, I have to purposefully stop what I am doing and in essence close up shop in my mind. If I allow business to go on as usual, I will be sitting with the family not really listening. At times all I could think of was getting back on the computer to check this idea out or write an email to resolve some situation. I have heard the family laughing and then realized I haven’t got a clue what was said that was so funny. Bonnie and I now have a little pact where I go through a ritual of laying everything down before the children arrive so that I am present.

In one home we visited the children only spoke to their mother at dinner even though their father was at the table too. He would say something, they would look at him and then turn back to their mother and address her. I asked the parents about this phenomenon after dinner. The father said it was his fault. Over the years even though he was there in body at dinner in his mind he was totally preoccupied. The children had learned this and only talked to their mother who was present in mind and body.

Our presence is so essential to our children. It reinforces their sense of worth and value. Your body being in the house does not tell them that you love them. You need to be engaged with them. The old saying that children need to be seen but not heard is ridiculous. It so undervalues a human being. We need to be supportive, encouraging and actually reading between the lines for nuances of problems that our children are having. This takes concentration. I know what it is like to have so many different thoughts and needs spinning around in my head. But I have found that when I actually put them aside the break and the good company refresh me. I am in a better place to deal with all the pressing matters after a break with the family than if I kept on working. Try it, you’ll find it pays dividends.

(image courtesy of Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Built to Last

5/7/2013

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We often drive past a business complex that was built in the 70s and was considered quite smart then. Today it is slowly emptying as business leases are not being renewed. It is obvious that these 40-year-old buildings are going to be demolished. The entire complex looks tired, worn out and dated.

When I first saw the buildings I thought they were modern and trendy, the kind of place you would want to have your business. Now its condition does nothing to promote anyone’s business. If anything it hinders your curb appeal.

Doesn’t it seem odd that someone would construct a building with such a short lifespan? Having spent 14 years in Europe it is obvious this thinking would be considered very short sighted. For this site to continue to be effective the buildings have to be demolished, the rubble and waste removed, and new ones built to replace the old. How expensive is that? Not only are building costs far higher today than at that time but also the demolition costs are almost as dear. If it had been built with longevity in mind it would have initially been more costly but in the overall scheme far more reasonable on a year on year cost. If they had constructed it with 200 years in mind, it would be totally different.

Rolls Royce automobiles are built to last. The company motto is:” Trusted to Deliver Excellence”. I remember reading a review on one of their models. The Rolls Royce company designers took into consideration every aspect of the car during design. They recognised that a flat panel on the hood/bonnet of the car would look concave to the human eye. So they made the panel slightly convex to create the appearance of a perfectly flat surface. At one time they even included maintenance by a certified Rolls Royce technician anywhere in the world within the price. If your Rolls broke down, they would fly a technician to your country to repair the vehicle. They were not building these cars for a 3 – 5 year life span.

I have shared with you the love language tools. Gary Chapman was inspired in his observations of human behaviour to develop tools that will help us love more completely. You can place these 5 tools in your life skill tool kit and lovingly close the shelf and leave them there. Oh yes, you have them and they are in pristine condition. But it takes effort to use them. There is trial and error. I don’t know how many times I have ripped up my knuckles using a wrench/spanner. I didn’t stop using the tool just because I skinned my knuckles. I tried to anticipate what could happen and make provision to stop it happening again but I still used the tool.

The dilapidated building complex made me think of families. In the past and in some societies today parents and grandparents invest in children with the thought of “building to last”. Some people of faith believe that the time spent on earth is a preparation for eternity, which most definitely would need lasting or staying power.

Like Rolls Royce it takes attention to detail and painstaking effort to get it right. It is expensive but worthy of admiration and desire. I still check out every old Rolls Royce I see. I admire their craftsmanship and think it would be lovely to own. So it is with families. People will admire and desire those who were built to last.
(images courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Emotive Tools 4

30/6/2013

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The other day a friend told us that her granddaughter informed her that the next time grandma came she could bring her any one of these three gifts. This is a child whose love language is receiving gifts. She specified what choices were acceptable but also made it clear that a gift was expected.

After being away on a trip the child that greets you at the door with the comment, ‘Where’s my gift?’ is revealing that his or her love language is receiving gifts. If you give someone an unexpected gift and they are completely delighted, you’ve probably spoken love to them.

One young man I knew used to buy his wife a bouquet of flowers or a chocolate bar on the way home. He said it wasn’t the cost but the gift that mattered and it paid dividends. His wife said her love language was quality time but she was fooling herself. She lights up when she gets any kind of gift.

You can see this language clearly at Christmas. The people who give the most gifts tend to be motivated by this love language. Any suggestion of taking the money spent on Christmas gifts and buying an ox for a villager in Africa are not taken kindly.

We had friends who didn’t spend time talking to each other. Their idea of a date night is enrolling in an evening class together where they work on separate projects but sit next to each other. But when they aren’t feeling loved it is because they haven’t received a gift in what seems like a long time to them. It may only be a month but that’s devastating for them.

Children who receive love through this language will respond well to a reward system of behaviour modification. This is where you give them a star on a chart for helpful, correct behaviour. If their behaviour is negative you take away a star, only rewarding correct behaviour. At the end of the week if they have been rewarded with a set number of stars you give them a gift. They will shine with pride when they receive the reward at the end of the time.

If you are still stymied at identifying whether this is your child’s love language, think about whether they are always making you something as a gift. Do they give you paintings, little toys, share candies without you asking or pick dandelions and bring them to you? These are children who love through gifts.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Emotive Tools 3

21/6/2013

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Remember my friend with the wife whose love language was acts of service. Well the couple we were to meet at the restaurant weren’t all that happy about our late arrival for dinner. Their love language is quality time. So what do you think our tardiness said to them? You’re right! It said we didn’t really love them or we would have been there on time. For someone who loves and feels loved through quality time wasting his or her time is a big mistake.

This creates a conundrum, doesn’t it? Here you have a situation where one person is speaking the love language of their spouse while risking offending dear friends by being late. At this point you’re probably thinking I can’t win so what’s the point in trying. The main point is to love the people closest to you. Then be aware as you move out of the family to what your friends feel. A one off situation like I described will be forgiven but to do it continually will result in a cooling off of the relationship.

With this language the emphasis is on quality. Watching a movie with your children isn’t quality time unless there is some follow up on the movie. What did you like? What was your favourite line? The funniest part? Talking and joking about it makes it into a quality time event.

One of our children said they were frustrated by their friends sending gifts for their birthday when all they really wanted to do was spend time with them. This child’s love language is quality time. The gifts were ok but not really love to them.

How do you identify this language? If the other person wants to talk or play together at something that is interactive, then they are quality time lovers. Watching you play, or sitting in the cinema together does not do the trick. They prefer a quiet intimate restaurant for a special evening out or catching a coffee at a local shop as long as they are conversing with you. They aren’t looking to gobble their meal down so that you can get to the movie. They want to talk.

Kids want to play cards or board games if their love language is quality time. They will want to go for a walk or play sports. They just simply want to be together with you. It’s all about connection.
(image provided by FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Emotive Tools 2

14/6/2013

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Dr Ross Campbell wrote a book on loving your children wherein he said every one of us has a love tank that needs to be filled. He said that if the tank starts to run dry we look for some way to fill it up. This lack of love can make us feel very insecure and desperate. We will even do something negative if it gets us the attention we need.

For example you’re going on a family trip and the days before leaving are hectic with finishing work, packing, making sure everything is taken care of, etc., which disrupts the whole family routine. On the day you are leaving one of your children does something really stupid like punching one of the other children. Your natural reaction may be to deal with the fight like you would at any other time. You might be very angry as you are stressed trying to get everything together to go and then this happens. But have you ever thought it might be a reaction to feeling insecure and unloved? Often the child just wants time with you, even if you are angry. They want to know in the midst of this chaos that you still love them and are there for them. Ideally the best solution is to correct their behaviour while giving them the love they need.

So, what language would you speak to them? You know what physical touch is all about if you read the last blog. What then is involved with acts of service when the person is a child? How would you recognise it?

We have identical twin granddaughters. I believe the one’s love language is acts of service. How did I come to that conclusion? While during one visit this granddaughter was washing the dishes while her sister was painting her nails. This little girl loves to pull up a stool next to her father while he is cooking and to help him cut and chop vegetables or whatever. In fact she gets very upset when he doesn’t wait for her.

So how do you show her love? When it’s acts of service I think a person feels loved when you let them help and/or you help them in what they are doing in service. If she wants to help cook then let her. Don’t do it without her. Do things with the person; don’t leave them to do it on their own.

We hosted a major conference for 1200 people a few years ago. Arriving early before the evening session I saw two men arranging the chairs that had been shuffled around during the afternoon session. I joined them. After a while one of them said to me how much he appreciated me helping them. He thought that it was great that I, the organiser of the event, would help out. He then expressed how hurt he was that others didn’t see the need and help. His love language is acts of service. When he was ministering love to others, he was offended when they didn’t respond in kind.

Another way of showing the person who thrives on acts of service is to do things for them. They may make their spouse a list of things they would like to have done. One fellow I was visiting had such a list. We were looking for a certain item for their home, which the closest store to them didn’t have enough in stock for what they needed. By this time we were getting dreadfully close to when we were to all to go meet another couple for dinner at a restaurant. The store we were at phoned a branch store way across town and had them hold two of the required items on his list. As we drove across the city I shared that maybe we should go home as we had this date we would be late for if we continued. He told me that over the years of marriage he had found that is wife really felt loved if he did the things on her list. He didn’t care that we would leave the other people waiting in the restaurant. He only wanted to love his wife. Her response was one of pure joy when he brought the complete list of items into the house. He had learned that this was the best way of expressing love in his marriage.

When it comes to acts of service as the primary love language it seems you ignore lists at your own peril.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Emotive Tools

7/6/2013

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When I was in my first year of metal working class I made a mistake in folding over a piece of tin to create an edge on the little box I was making. I had heard about how mean and nasty the teacher was but up to this point he had seemed like quite a nice fellow. As it was just a wee adjustment I took the nice metal ruler to pry up the edge so I could refold it. I was deep in concentration when “boom” a wooden mallet smashed the workbench next to my right hand. I leapt straight off the chair I was so shocked. The teacher yelled, “What are you doing? A ruler is never used to pry a piece of metal. Get the right tool or get out of here.” He was teaching me it’s all about the right tool for the job.

Well, showing love is the same. It’s all about speaking the right language to truly convey love. Through Gary Chapman’s diligent observations and effort we have at our disposal five languages of love which when accurately applied release a deep sense of being loved. They are physical touch, acts of service, quality time, receiving gifts and words of affirmation. Let’s elaborate on each one for better understanding.

Physical touch can be a hug, a touch on the shoulder, holding hands or sitting in close proximity. For example my mother said she would pick me up as a little boy and have me sit on her lap. After awhile she would go to put me down but I would snuggle back in and not want to leave her. My brothers received the hug but didn’t want to stay there. She said I was content to simply stay there with her. Physical touch still ranks right up there with quality time.

A young couple came for some premarital advice one evening. She was from Brazil and he was from Canada. All the time they were talking to us he kept stroking her cheek, running his hands through her hair, touching her shoulder until I thought enough is enough, get a room buddy. She explained that in Brazil touch was the most important way to show your love to another. He found it very difficult to be so touchy-feely with her as it didn’t come naturally to him nor was it part of his experience with his family. But he was willing to work at it for the sake of their relationship. I am sure it became more and more natural to him over time. The key relationally was his desire to speak her language so that she truly felt loved.

Do you see this language in any one in your family? We have one granddaughter who loves to hug, to sit with you, to climb all over you, to snuggle in whilst watching a movie or hold your hand on a walk. She loves affirmation too but to touch her heart you need to touch her hand.

Don’t be disheartened if your teenager isn’t too tactile in public. It just isn’t cool when your parents show that kind of affection when others are around. Love them at home with touch and they will grow through this stage to be once again huggable in public.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Are You Listening?

Built to Last

Emotive Tools 4

Emotive Tools 3

Emotive Tools 2

Emotive Tools

Jim Inkster

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