Category: Principles

Can I Get a Little Respect Around Here?

28/4/2014

Having addressed affirmation and affection in bringing change, we need to talk about respect. As the previous post stated we face their disobedience and rebellion to our authority as a loving parent sometimes on a daily basis. Their actions don’t speak highly of respect for who we are and so the thought of showing them respect seems ridiculous. Why would we do that and how?

Generally speaking respect is earned. It is not simply given because the position demands it. This is true in all relationships whether in marriage, at work, in the armed forces or in friendships. Our character and actions will earn us the respect of our spouses, partners, and colleagues. A failure in moral character can strip respect away very, very quickly. But in relationship to children, we need to teach them respect. One of the ways of doing this is to care about how we correct them. As parents we often correct their actions in front of others without a thought to how they feel. We think they are children and won’t be embarrassed by our actions. But they can feel deeply embarrassed by being corrected in front of others. Some children appear to be thicker skinned than others when it comes to this. They may seem to just shake the correction off and continue unperturbed along their way. But appearances can be deceiving. They will feel the sting of shame and correction too. It’s just buried deeper than the other children who respond more sensitively to a lack of respect.

Have you ever noticed when there are two or more children in a family and one of them gets corrected in front of the others what happens? For example Mommy is exasperated by the amount of chocolate that one of them just ate before dinner. She’s correcting them with the ‘I told you not to blah, blah, blah’ monologue when one of the other children chirps into the conversation or is simply present watching. Immediately, the one being corrected turns on the other child and a verbal fight breaks out between them. Now Mommy doesn’t only have one child she is chiding but two that are in a full on shouting match. It is escalating out of hand and the original correction is lost in the scuffle. What happened? The child being corrected deeply resents the other child’s presence in this situation. They are embarrassed! Because they are mortified in front of the other child they lash out to cover up their shame.

This feeling of injustice and disrespect can lead to ‘tattling’ on one another. While you are trying to change their actions, they tell on the other to throw you off the track. Misdirection can take the heat and the embarrassment off of them. What they say may not be truly accurate either, which will undermine the respect of the siblings one for the other. Your respect for them will teach them how to respect others.

To effect positive change in behaviour we need to extend respect to the person being corrected. Respect can be extended by not singling one of the children out in front of the others. Show them respect by correcting them alone. You may find in the heat of the moment that it is inconvenient to draw them aside but don’t say anything negative. Hold it and resist the temptation to speak it out. Tell them you will speak to them about what they have done later. As soon as you can, take them aside and talk to them. This will clear the air and does not leave them hanging imaging the worst-case scenarios.

When you do draw them aside, use the ‘praise sandwich’. Affirm them, tell them you love them, and then tell them what upset you. Finish your conversation with love both spoken and felt. Remember it is because you love them that you are taking the time and effort to shape them into young people whom others want to associate with. Extend that love by respecting how you correct them while you correct them.
(image courtesy of Grant Cochrane/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Small Beginnings

24/3/2014

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Often when I look up an address on a map programme on the Internet I find I have to keep zooming out from the original map to get a proper perspective of where the address is. The ‘zoom out’ function is necessary in more areas than just map reading. As I explained before you need to do it with your family to get a realistic perspective of what is happening within your home. Don’t keep living with the frustration but take the time to back away. When you do this, it is wise to make a list of the things that you are unhappy with so that you can bring change.

Remember the most effective and lasting change will come through changing only one thing at a time. If you try to change too much at one time, the results aren’t pleasant. Usually what happens is everyone involved gets totally upset, resisting all attempts to reform, leading all efforts to change onto the scrap heap of unfulfilled resolutions. Very few people welcome change. It threatens our security and comfort. It brings in the unknown and due to our great inherent strength to adapt to the most extreme conditions, we would rather stay the way we are then face change. So to bring change you have to do it slowly and in small doses. People can cope with changing one thing. It doesn’t scream at them that they are a failure or that everything they are comfortable with will be scrapped.

Now the prevailing wisdom regarding change would be to attack the big issue first, thinking that all the small issues will then fall in line. This is really an ineffective method of creating change. It’s like cutting the dandelion off at ground level. For a few days it looks like you dealt with the problem. But soon that lovely yellow flower is in full bloom in the garden once again. To get the dandelion you have to go after the root. To bring change in the family you need to deal with the root issues. The root issues are those seemingly insignificant activities or events that were ignored for whatever reason. The problem is these become the roots of what will become a much larger issue in the near future.

Everything starts from a small beginning, whether good or bad. Tending to small issues is the best way to deal with the large issues. Is your list of potential changes one of small items or one large one? If it is only one or two large items, can you break them down to smaller components? What do you think?

(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Consistently (Part 2)

3/12/2013

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Do you know what the problem is with this advice? The problem is that establishing consistency requires that you act when it is inconvenient and uncomfortable. You have a friend over for coffee and little Lily is drawing on the wall with a crayon. You say, “Stop that or I’ll throw the crayons in the bin.” Oops! Did you say that? You thought that the gravity of that threat might convince her to stop. The problem with this kind of threat is it is unrealistic, punishing both you and your child. If you are going to make your word true, you have to throw a whole box of crayons in the bin. That costs you financially because you will want to replace them later. It costs you the inconvenience, as you will have to go to a store to buy them. It costs you in that your child can no longer do something they may really enjoy and that is a quiet, often solitary, activity. In your child’s eyes it is a very extreme response in relation to what she were doing. It could even be viewed as hurtful in that you are taking such drastic action. This kind of statement really creates a ‘no win’ situation for you. If you don’t follow through, you lose. If you do, you lose.

So your friend is over and you at last have a chance for some adult conversation, some time for yourself. You’re right in the midst of a lovely conversation and Lily is drawing on the wall. I understand what it is like to just want to have some time for you. It will never come if you don’t do something about it now. You need to sacrifice your pleasure now for a far more pleasurable future with your child. Get up from your coffee, walk over to Lily and say in a calm voice, “I don’t want you to colour the wall, Lily.” Take her back to the desk or table or spot where the colouring book is and tell her to colour there. Take action. Do not let it escalate until you are angry or she has done some great amount of damage.

Now we have done enough parenting seminars to know what you are thinking about what we have prescribed. You are thinking, “Right, like Lily is just going to nicely cooperate with me? So, now she is screaming and shouting and kicking her feet. What do I do with that? Seems to me this action has just escalated the problem.” That may happen depending on what level of training your child is at. This will be dealt with in another chapter.

The point of this chapter and the fundamental truth of parenting is to walk your talk. Do something to correct the behaviour and do it consistently day after day. This will produce an incredibly peaceful, well-behaved child. If you ignore this reality, their behaviour will get worse and you will not enjoy their childhood.

(excerpt from Chapter 3 of 24 Secrets to Great Parenting, Pg. 21)

(image courtesy of Photokanok /FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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I SAID!!!

1/11/2013

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When I trained to be a teacher a number of the professors emphasized over and over again that yelling at the students would lose its effectiveness if used too often. The students are no longer shocked by the raised voice. It becomes the norm and they simply ignore it. While if this happens in school, it will happen at home too.

Do you feel your children are ignoring your requests? Do you feel frustrated? Could it be you have numbed them to your voice by yelling too much? What do you sound like? What do your kids sound like? Why don’t you try recording your family interaction either with a video or audio device? We all have phones now that can do both. You might be surprised at how often you raise your voice in regard to talking to your children. If your children yell often, you have an indicator of what you are doing. Where would they have learned it? Who modelled it for them?

Volume rarely motivates action. Most of the time a small, still voice will be more effective. They need to quieten down to hear you. Initially it may not happen but if you speak softly and carry out your words they will tune in to what you are saying. If you quietly say ‘stop colouring there’ and there is no response, then remove the crayons, move them to another spot and redirect their activity. If you say ‘it is time to get off the computer’ and they ignore you, then go to the computer and shut it down. If you say ‘time for bed, go get your pyjamas on’ and they don’t, then take them by the hand to their room and help them change. Sure they may kick up a fuss but don’t give in. The longer you have yelled at them without any consequences the longer it will take to change a habit. Consistency is a parent’s best friend.

You may not like the effort it takes to be consistent in changing from a loud yell to a soft voice but it was consistently using a loud voice that got you into this place. Consistency works to reinforce either good or poor behaviour. Use it to effectively bring about positive change.

Do you want change? Are you tired of their unresponsiveness? Frustrated? Well, we need to look at the things we can change that will bring a positive response. Only we can do that.
(image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Do You Have a Philosophy?

25/10/2013

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As our children have married and had their own children we thought they would know what to do, that they would raise their children as they were raised. Why would they do it any differently as we did such a great job? In our opinion! But over the last few years they have asked for help. What did we do? What would we do in this situation? It dawned on us that they experienced our philosophy of childrearing and they are the product of it, hopefully also the beneficiaries of it too, but they were not students of it as they grew up. They didn’t study it. They lived it. So now that they are raising children they have to develop their own philosophy.

Do we have a philosophy of childrearing? You betcha! That’s what we share with you in the blogs and is the basis of our book, 24 Secrets to Great Parenting, as well as the DVD, 8 Questions Parents Want Answered.

Bonnie and I spent many hours developing our philosophy over coffee breaks starting even before we had children. We would discuss what we would like to see in our children’s character and behaviour. Sometimes that would be a process of thinking through what we would do as a reaction to what we had just witnessed by some child. We’d say, “I don’t want my child to do that. So what will we do to not have them behave like that? What would be appropriate?” Then we would labour away coming up with ideas and suggestions as to what we might do. The agreed course of action became our philosophy.

Philosophy is not only an academic study devoted to the systematic examination of basic concepts such as truth, existence, reality, causality, and freedom taught at university. It also means a set of beliefs or aims underlying somebody's practice or conduct.

Do you have such a philosophy regarding your children? You don’t have to call it a philosophy to have one. Do you know what you are going to do in different situations? Do you know what character traits you want to establish in your children’s lives? Or is the whole idea a foreign concept to you? Do you think doing the right thing with your children will come naturally like breathing?

Most businesses have a philosophy that they adhere to; it contains their mission and their attitude towards customers. Schools have philosophies that they want to see consistently applied by their staff. In many ways it’s like a manual of good business practises.

I have a friend who ended up as the supervisor of a department in a grocery store. He had never worked in this type of position before, nor had he worked for this company before. When he was unsure of what to do he looked for their operational manual. They didn’t have one as the practises where passed on from manager to staff verbally. If you didn’t work in that particular capacity with the firm, you were clueless as to what they expected or as to what to do. He then set about writing a manual for them to make it easier in the future for new hires that didn’t work their way up the organisation.

If businesses will do this, why wouldn’t we give the time and thought to do the same for our family. Why simply let life happen and hope for the best? Why not take action and create the kind of future you want to see for your family? It truly is worth the time and effort. It’s also good for your marriage by spending time together talking about one of the most important things in your life.
(image courtesy of t0zz @ FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Perspective

13/9/2013

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Our physical position changes completely how we see an event compared to others. Two people can view the same activity and see two different things. If you are on the left side of the field, things will look very different than if you were on the right. I went to a football (soccer) game with my son. We had spectacular seats 4 rows up from the field. The players looked like real human beings not miniatures. I noticed the field appeared to be convex with the sidelines lower than the centre. I never thought anything about it until half time. During the half time break we were discussing how a couple of the players that were very big name stars seemed to do absolutely nothing during the first half. When the game restarted, the teams switched ends of the field. These players had a fantastic second half, involved in all the action. The difference must have been the half time speech of the manager. No, it was the fact they were playing on our side of the field for the last half. The arch in the field was enough to block them from a clear view. We couldn’t see what they were doing due to our perspective.

My father always told me when walking in the woods to stop at regular intervals and look behind you as the perspective of the same area you just walked through would be completely different when you returned. People get lost on walks, as the path does not look like they remembered from going on the outward journey. Believe me it is so true!

This week I returned to England to visit my family and receive my citizenship certificate at a ceremony. I’m now a “dual-ler” as my daughter so nicely put it. When I visited my youngest son’s family, their two-year-old daughter kept her distance from me. She knew who I was, had talked to me many times on Face Time, yet she did not want to get too close. I was a little surprised by this reaction. On the second day of my stay her other grandparents came to visit. We were all standing at the door and they were asking her about me. “Who’s that?” “Grampa.” “Where did he come from?” “Canada.” Then she said: “Grampa big”. I looked down at her, then looked down upon her mother and grandparents and realized that she had no idea how big I was from the screen of a mobile phone. She only comes slightly above my knee. For her I was a skyscraper.

In my education training to be a teacher they taught us to go down to our student’s level to talk to them. One of my supervising teachers was of the opinion that you stand as tall and straight as possible to intimidate them by your presence so that the students knew who was the boss. Their perspective is so different than ours. Things look far bigger to them than they do to us. When I was young, the city I lived in had mountains of snow every winter. But as I got older it was so obvious that we didn’t get snow the way we used to. Must be climate change!

Are we sometimes reacting to our children’s concerns from a wrong perspective? Could we be telling them to suck it up and get on with it when the situation is really intimidating for them? Would it behove (got to love that word! Behoove in N.A.) us to take the time to come down to their level and see things from their perspective once in awhile? Hum!

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Defaulting

12/7/2013

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Computers have brought us a new definition of the word “default”. It means the preset selection of an option offered by a system, which will always be followed except when explicitly altered. For example a program/me may have a specific font such as ‘Times New Roman’ that is set for every new document you open. This is generally helpful and convenient unless you don’t like that particular font. The system is preset to follow this course of action unless it is explicitly altered. In other words it won’t accidently switch. You have to really work at changing it.

It’s funny that this word is used because its other definitions are all along the line of failure... failure to act; inaction or neglect, failure to meet financial obligations, failure to comply with a legal obligation, in sports failure to appear for or complete a match. (With one particular operating system the word, default, seems apropos.)

In life there are many things we do by default, our preset mode. We just don’t think about them anymore. Do you follow the same route to work all the time? Do you even think about it? Have you ever driven to work and realized you were barely aware of your surroundings?

I have gone on a number of diets over the years. The weight loss goal was easily attained but maintaining the goal weight is another story. Once I have lost the weight I slowly move away from the prescribed low fat rabbit food and move back to the full fat, deeply satisfying, enjoyable convenience foods. Peanut butter and honey on my toast, cream in my coffee, a wee bit of chocolate, a biscuit, a hamburger, and…. suddenly I’m more robust (or is that rotund?) in figure. I like my default diet and it likes me. I know because it sticks around.

I have not decided to explicitly reset my default mode to salads and no fat dressings. For me it has always been a temporary setting so that I can reach a short-term goal so that I can go back to the way I have always eaten hoping this time I will not regain the weight I lost. I reset the font to ‘Helvetica’ only to find after a time it’s back to ‘Times New Roman’. Is this not the definition of ‘insanity’, doing the same things over and over again hoping for a different outcome?

In our relationships we often realize things are not working out well but we continue to act the same way. We yell at our children and they yell back. We nag our partner about something and they do it even more. What do we do? We nag them even more.

If we want things to change, we have to explicitly change our default settings. We may have acquired those settings from our manufacturers and don’t realize they aren’t the best choice for us. We need to wake up, make the decision to change our defaults, and then be alert for that glitch where we switch back to the old mode. If we can catch it right then, we can avert sliding back to what we once were. We can change if we decide we don’t like our default setting. The catalyst to changing the default is whether we dislike it or not.
(images courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Emotive Tools 4

30/6/2013

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The other day a friend told us that her granddaughter informed her that the next time grandma came she could bring her any one of these three gifts. This is a child whose love language is receiving gifts. She specified what choices were acceptable but also made it clear that a gift was expected.

After being away on a trip the child that greets you at the door with the comment, ‘Where’s my gift?’ is revealing that his or her love language is receiving gifts. If you give someone an unexpected gift and they are completely delighted, you’ve probably spoken love to them.

One young man I knew used to buy his wife a bouquet of flowers or a chocolate bar on the way home. He said it wasn’t the cost but the gift that mattered and it paid dividends. His wife said her love language was quality time but she was fooling herself. She lights up when she gets any kind of gift.

You can see this language clearly at Christmas. The people who give the most gifts tend to be motivated by this love language. Any suggestion of taking the money spent on Christmas gifts and buying an ox for a villager in Africa are not taken kindly.

We had friends who didn’t spend time talking to each other. Their idea of a date night is enrolling in an evening class together where they work on separate projects but sit next to each other. But when they aren’t feeling loved it is because they haven’t received a gift in what seems like a long time to them. It may only be a month but that’s devastating for them.

Children who receive love through this language will respond well to a reward system of behaviour modification. This is where you give them a star on a chart for helpful, correct behaviour. If their behaviour is negative you take away a star, only rewarding correct behaviour. At the end of the week if they have been rewarded with a set number of stars you give them a gift. They will shine with pride when they receive the reward at the end of the time.

If you are still stymied at identifying whether this is your child’s love language, think about whether they are always making you something as a gift. Do they give you paintings, little toys, share candies without you asking or pick dandelions and bring them to you? These are children who love through gifts.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Head Over Heels

24/5/2013

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A number of years ago I had an experience with a tool that was totally new to me. On the land we had purchased with friends we built a cottage. My friend, Phil, was well versed with the finer aspects of carpentry and construction. I on the other hand had only experienced construction from the perspective of a gopher. My father would allow me to hold thing in place or ‘go for’ a board or ‘go for’ the nail he dropped or ‘go for’ whatever he wanted. This imbalance of experience led to a novel and new experience for me. It was a power hole auger. Basically that’s a large auger bit below a gasoline engine mounted on pretzel shaped handlebars. Simple but effective! Two people hold the handles in place as the engine turns the auger into the ground, which draws earth up out of the hole.

Our goal was to drill 12 holes into which we would fit forms for concrete to be poured to create pile foundations for the cottage we were going to build. What could go wrong? Aw…! Phil made the fatal mistake of thinking I understood what would happen when we used this machine. He said to me whatever you do don’t let go of the handle. Whatever you say, Phil.

The soil was fairly sandy but had stones buried in it. We hit a stone about a foot into the ground. I didn’t realize that the stone would resist the auger and stop the bit initially until the torque from the engine pried it loose. When we hit the stone, the bit stopped, the engine kept right on turning and the handle snapped out of my hands. I really hadn’t been holding that tightly as I had no idea what this machine was doing. Unfortunately Phil didn’t let go. He took off into space and landed on his back about 6 feet away from the hole. He gave me the look. You know the one – hey, stupid, I told you to hold onto the handle. Probably didn’t help that I laughed as I saw him in flight.

We got right back at it and the stone came up. It was about the size of a large baked potato. We kept on and hit another stone. Whammo, Phil went flying! I still didn’t have the concept of how hard you had to hold on. One more look! (I hate the look, don’t you?) From that point on we finished 11 of the holes with no further space flights. On the twelfth hole we hit a rock. I was locked onto those handles like a vise. Phil let go. I took off into the air like a rocket. I saw the sky, ground and sky again before I collided with Mother Earth. What a rush! It was so much fun I wanted to do it again but we didn’t encounter any more rocks on the last hole. Wow!

I know, I know, I wasn’t supposed to enjoy it but I did. It kind of defeated his retaliation for earlier in the day. So, why am I telling you this story? Well, I wanted you to understand that a tool needs to be used to be effective. You can admire their craftsmanship all you like but you have to turn it on for it to be useful. The other thing is you can’t assume someone knows what he or she is doing with a tool. I didn’t have Phil’s experience but through use I soon did.

With parenting in fact in regard to all relationships there are tools that when applied make life easier and more constructive. Bonnie and I have written blogs, a book (called 24 Secrets to Great Parenting which you can buy on Amazon.com), a DVD (which you can buy on our website) and an audio copy of the book (also available on our website). All of these are tools to help you enjoy your family more. There are also a couple of other tools I want to share with you over the next couple of months that if applied will make a huge difference in your relationship and your family. I would really appreciate you trying them out. So often I have observed people taking courses on different things and then it appears like they immediately forget the principles, ideas and techniques that were taught. There seemed to be an initial fascination with the concept but no real change is evident in their lives.

Like the auger we might go head over heels due to our inexperience but why not try?

(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Synergy

18/2/2013

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Synergy is defined as the cooperation or interaction of two or more agents to produce a combined effect greater than the sum of their separate efforts. So for example, if one man can lift 200 pounds and another 150 pounds, we might think that together their capacity to lift is 350 pounds. But due to synergy it is more likely they will be able to lift 500 pounds. Synergy produces more than a simple 1 + 1= 2. Synergy can create a positive or negative knock on effect.

Synergy is particularly effective in families. We used to apply it all the time to chores around the home. As a family all 6 of us would take on the garden or washing the car or cleaning up the kitchen. The work was done faster and more effectively together than left to one person’s resources. We used synergy to teach the children helpful skills like gardening or cleaning. The goal was to inspire them and not overwhelm them. If you are left to cut the grass alone, the task can seem immense. Because it seems huge the tendency is to toddle and procrastinate due to the perception that it is too much for me. This can happen with any task, hence the name chore. A chore by definition is ‘a tedious but necessary task’. Our goal was to use synergy to remove the tedium from the activity. We would try to turn it into fun. Car washes inevitably ended up in water fights. If you haven’t tried having a good old water fight, you have really missed some good fun. The key is remembering to do it at the end of the car washing or it won’t get done.

Conversely, synergy can have a powerful effect negatively. For example, if you leave a piece of clothing on the floor or some dishes on the kitchen counter, what happens? You soon find that you have a floor covered in items of clothing and papers and odd bits and bobs. Or the sink and kitchen counters are covered with pots, pans, plates, cutlery, cups, wrappers, and food remains. The article left is like an invitation to leave others. The synergy effect is 1 person leaves one plate but 2 leave 5 and 4 leave 25.

You leave one item thinking ‘I’ll get it later, I’m in a hurry at the moment’. Everyone else looks at the item and thinks, ‘what! I’m not picking that up or washing that. It isn’t my mess.’ So they leave their items and it compounds into a pile of work that no one wants to take on. When asked, they’ll say, ‘why should I? I didn’t make that mess!’

The negative effect is no one wants to face the chore and the tedium of cleaning or organising the mess. The mess can multiple very quickly as the number of family members increase. Leave one room like this and it quickly spreads like a plague to all the other rooms in the house. The end effect can be raving parents and unhappy children all due to synergy. Good practise as they say on some work sites would be to deal with the first stray bit before it develops a life of its own, multiplying and taking over the whole house.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Can I Get a Little Respect Around Here?

Small Beginnings

Consistently (Part 2)

I SAID!!!

Do You Have a Philosophy?

Perspective

Defaulting

Emotive Tools 4

Head Over Heels

Synergy

Jim Inkster

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