Category: Sowing

Are You Listening?

15/11/2013

When I was a young man, I was often complemented on what a good listener I was. To me it was important if someone was speaking to me that I really focused on what they said. I was very present and alert. I often wondered how people could not really listen to someone speaking to them. As I have gotten older and older I have had more and more on my mind. I know it is hard to believe that a man could multitask but my career has forced me to keep many plates in the air spinning at the same time. What I have found is that although I’m there in a room with family I’m not necessarily present. I have had to start practising the discipline of being present.

What do I mean by that? When members of the family are arriving for a visit, I have to purposefully stop what I am doing and in essence close up shop in my mind. If I allow business to go on as usual, I will be sitting with the family not really listening. At times all I could think of was getting back on the computer to check this idea out or write an email to resolve some situation. I have heard the family laughing and then realized I haven’t got a clue what was said that was so funny. Bonnie and I now have a little pact where I go through a ritual of laying everything down before the children arrive so that I am present.

In one home we visited the children only spoke to their mother at dinner even though their father was at the table too. He would say something, they would look at him and then turn back to their mother and address her. I asked the parents about this phenomenon after dinner. The father said it was his fault. Over the years even though he was there in body at dinner in his mind he was totally preoccupied. The children had learned this and only talked to their mother who was present in mind and body.

Our presence is so essential to our children. It reinforces their sense of worth and value. Your body being in the house does not tell them that you love them. You need to be engaged with them. The old saying that children need to be seen but not heard is ridiculous. It so undervalues a human being. We need to be supportive, encouraging and actually reading between the lines for nuances of problems that our children are having. This takes concentration. I know what it is like to have so many different thoughts and needs spinning around in my head. But I have found that when I actually put them aside the break and the good company refresh me. I am in a better place to deal with all the pressing matters after a break with the family than if I kept on working. Try it, you’ll find it pays dividends.

(image courtesy of Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Passing of the Baton

3/9/2013

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This weekend our extended family celebrated the life of Ed Alexander. His children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews paid homage to a wonderful father, Bopa (grandfather) and uncle. The testimonies of his giving, encouraging and wisdom were awesome. Personally he was a great mentor and fount of wise counsel.

I have always been impacted at memorials and funerals of how highly people think of the deceased. In one case it was unsure whether he had committed suicide or suffered an unfortunate accident. At his memorial the praise for his life and character were overwhelming. I thought at the time if we had only said these things to him while he was alive would he have died such an untimely death.

As my wife’s parents are moving into their 90s I decided I would tell them while they were alive how much they meant to me. Some times it is not easy to speak to people directly and tell them how much you love them and appreciate all they have done for you and your family. It was quite emotionally charged for me and I fought back tears as I spoke. They were blessed and a little stunned. Dad said thank you and then does that mean we’re going to die soon?

All too often we are quick to be critical and sarcastic to one another. Yet the criticism seems so petty in light of someone’s passing. I allow the irritation of some little quirk or difference in values to get up my nose and drive me crazy. But in light of a person entering eternity it is so insignificant.

As people testified to Ed’s character it was so obvious that his ability to speak positively, to encourage, to press through adversity, and to hug far out shone his shortcomings. The impact of his praise shaped character and gave life. The final message was about his legacy and how it would carry on. Brian, his son in-law, said many wrote cards of how he encouraged them through difficult times. He asked what could we do to extend that legacy? We answered encourage others. Others wrote how generous he had been giving more money than they expected. Again he asked how could we extend Ed’s legacy? We said to be generous.

I bless Ed for his life and impact upon my family and me. I will try to extend his legacy so others may speak words of commendation when my time comes too.

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Defaulting

12/7/2013

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Computers have brought us a new definition of the word “default”. It means the preset selection of an option offered by a system, which will always be followed except when explicitly altered. For example a program/me may have a specific font such as ‘Times New Roman’ that is set for every new document you open. This is generally helpful and convenient unless you don’t like that particular font. The system is preset to follow this course of action unless it is explicitly altered. In other words it won’t accidently switch. You have to really work at changing it.

It’s funny that this word is used because its other definitions are all along the line of failure... failure to act; inaction or neglect, failure to meet financial obligations, failure to comply with a legal obligation, in sports failure to appear for or complete a match. (With one particular operating system the word, default, seems apropos.)

In life there are many things we do by default, our preset mode. We just don’t think about them anymore. Do you follow the same route to work all the time? Do you even think about it? Have you ever driven to work and realized you were barely aware of your surroundings?

I have gone on a number of diets over the years. The weight loss goal was easily attained but maintaining the goal weight is another story. Once I have lost the weight I slowly move away from the prescribed low fat rabbit food and move back to the full fat, deeply satisfying, enjoyable convenience foods. Peanut butter and honey on my toast, cream in my coffee, a wee bit of chocolate, a biscuit, a hamburger, and…. suddenly I’m more robust (or is that rotund?) in figure. I like my default diet and it likes me. I know because it sticks around.

I have not decided to explicitly reset my default mode to salads and no fat dressings. For me it has always been a temporary setting so that I can reach a short-term goal so that I can go back to the way I have always eaten hoping this time I will not regain the weight I lost. I reset the font to ‘Helvetica’ only to find after a time it’s back to ‘Times New Roman’. Is this not the definition of ‘insanity’, doing the same things over and over again hoping for a different outcome?

In our relationships we often realize things are not working out well but we continue to act the same way. We yell at our children and they yell back. We nag our partner about something and they do it even more. What do we do? We nag them even more.

If we want things to change, we have to explicitly change our default settings. We may have acquired those settings from our manufacturers and don’t realize they aren’t the best choice for us. We need to wake up, make the decision to change our defaults, and then be alert for that glitch where we switch back to the old mode. If we can catch it right then, we can avert sliding back to what we once were. We can change if we decide we don’t like our default setting. The catalyst to changing the default is whether we dislike it or not.
(images courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Love x 5

30/5/2013

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How do you feel loved? Is it when you receive gifts? Is it when someone says you are wonderful and so good-looking? None of those do it? How about when your spouse cleans the entire house or makes dinner for you? Or your friend just simply wants to spend time with you? No? What if someone gives you a hug or touches your shoulder or holds your hand?

Which one of these 5 different actions generally makes you feel loved? It’s important for you and those who love you to discover. Your spouse maybe thinking that they are showing you all kinds of love and yet you may not feel loved. How can you connect if you aren’t speaking the same language?

There is a book written by Gary Chapman called the “5 Languages of Love” which is very enlightening. Essentially each of us feels loved through one or more of these 5 expressions he has labelled as love languages. The 5 languages Gary has identified are quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service and receiving gifts.

Gary Chapman shares on his website how he came to identify these love desires. “In the book, I share some of my encounters with couples through the years that brought me to realize that what makes one person feel loved does not necessarily make another person feel loved. For a number of years, I have been helping couples in the counseling office discover what their spouse desired in order to feel loved. Eventually, I began to see a pattern in their responses. Therefore, I decided to read the notes I had made over twelve years of counseling couples and ask myself the question, “When someone sat in my office and said, ‘I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me,’ what did they want?” Their answers fell into five categories. I later called them the five love languages.”[1]

Through helping marriages be better he discovered a vital ingredient. Marriages and families need to speak the right love language for happiness to flow. All 5 languages will speak love to you but one usually is the bedrock upon which all the others build. When you are feeling unloved the question is which one will fill your love tank? For me it is quality time with my wife. She can be serving, giving me gifts, speaking affirmation and physically connecting with me but without time together I feel unloved.

So what language do you think is your predominant one? What about your significant other? Your children? Do you speak theirs? Hmm…. think on that!

(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

[1] http://www.5lovelanguages.com

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Good Children Don't Just Happen

10/5/2013

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Good children don’t just happen, they take work. Part of that work is to know what matters to you. What is important to you? What do you value? To identify that takes some thought. Sometimes it also takes occasions where you see behaviour that is definitely not what you want. Remember, observe your kids, for they will reflect your values.

Values are the accepted principles or standards of an individual or group. They are the ideals you live by. They are measured by the time, effort and money you put into them. When something is of value to you, you will exchange your money for it. When looking around a market on a vacation, you will be exposed to many items which don’t move you to part with your cash. Once you see that special something you will shell out the funds. Some people highly value their local football club. They buy the latest strip, text each other during games with the current score and spend astronomical sums on a season ticket. Why? In their eyes the team is worth it. The reason I mention the element of time, energy and finance in regard to values, is that some people will say they hold certain standards as values but their actions don’t reflect it. The man who says his family is a value yet never spends any time with them is deluding himself.

Values are as diverse and as numerous as the individuals who hold them. You may value honesty, creativity, boldness, imagination, peace or curiosity. Often we aren’t aware of what we value. Over time and from our family of origin, values are assimilated into our subconscious and we don’t think about them until we are confronted with a situation that goes against the grain of our particular values. That’s when you hear people say things like ‘Oh, we don’t hug in our family, or we never eat together.’ Those are expressions of values you hold.

One of the things we valued was a peaceful home. Something that contributed to that was lowered speaking voices. Bonnie would do this little thing with her hand where she would bring her fingers together with her thumb while saying ‘small voice’. This is not to say our kids were quiet all the time. In fact our dinner table was extremely noisy. We only realised this after the twins left home and our youngest would be yelling at the table. It took a couple of months for her to realise that she didn’t need to shout to be heard. Friends of ours didn’t feel that this was important so everything their children said was at the top of their voices. But the parents were loud too. We shared a common wall between our houses and we were clearly entertained by everything they did. (Don’t even think about that!)

Eating together was also a very high value for us. Having a family night together was the standard for quality bonding that was popular advice at the time our children were very young. That just didn’t work for us. Our work often required that we be out in the evenings and it was impossible to get a consistent day of the week that was open. It also felt so artificial. We wanted to relate daily. So dinner became the priority. We would not answer the phone during that time. We blocked two hours of time for the meal. The whole family would share in the preparation and cleanup. We didn’t clear up until after we had had a great time talking and laughing. Our children loved our meal times. One of their favourite things was to invite friends over to experience mealtime with us. Sometimes it was overwhelming for their friends as the humour and jokes are non-stop.

So, have you given any thought to what you really value and would love to see as a part of your children's lives? Are you on course with what you want to impart or could you use a change of course? As you look at your children do they reflect your family values? Are you happy with the way things are going? You can gently adjust course at any time. You only have to know you are slightly off course to do it.

(Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Valuing Life

4/5/2013

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Recently a dear friend’s husband died and a close family member is battling multiple myeloma. As family and friends have rallied to support them I have thought about how blessed they are to have this network of love and care. How difficult it must be to go through such experiences without a support network.

All the things that we do are suddenly put in proper perspective through tragedy. What is really important comes to the forefront. It’s the family. During our cousin’s trials the family have picked up responsibilities, rearranged schedules to accommodate visits and supported their mother during the long days and nights of recovery. Not only his family but his church family too have been so supportive with meals, cleaning, giving and visiting. It is lovely to see such love in action. Our friend’s sudden loss of her husband is agony for her. We let her cry as she remembers her husband’s love and antics. For us it is so good to hear what a lovely intimate relationship they had. We feel her grief and want to be here for her.

Bonnie and I embarked on producing parenting and marriage resources for the sole purpose of strengthening family relationships. As wonderful as government services are they can never replace the love and support of one’s family. Love creates a bond that leads to sacrificial service and giving at times like this. In fact - love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. [1]

If we truly love one another, love will prevail in all we encounter.

[1] 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Synergy

18/2/2013

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Synergy is defined as the cooperation or interaction of two or more agents to produce a combined effect greater than the sum of their separate efforts. So for example, if one man can lift 200 pounds and another 150 pounds, we might think that together their capacity to lift is 350 pounds. But due to synergy it is more likely they will be able to lift 500 pounds. Synergy produces more than a simple 1 + 1= 2. Synergy can create a positive or negative knock on effect.

Synergy is particularly effective in families. We used to apply it all the time to chores around the home. As a family all 6 of us would take on the garden or washing the car or cleaning up the kitchen. The work was done faster and more effectively together than left to one person’s resources. We used synergy to teach the children helpful skills like gardening or cleaning. The goal was to inspire them and not overwhelm them. If you are left to cut the grass alone, the task can seem immense. Because it seems huge the tendency is to toddle and procrastinate due to the perception that it is too much for me. This can happen with any task, hence the name chore. A chore by definition is ‘a tedious but necessary task’. Our goal was to use synergy to remove the tedium from the activity. We would try to turn it into fun. Car washes inevitably ended up in water fights. If you haven’t tried having a good old water fight, you have really missed some good fun. The key is remembering to do it at the end of the car washing or it won’t get done.

Conversely, synergy can have a powerful effect negatively. For example, if you leave a piece of clothing on the floor or some dishes on the kitchen counter, what happens? You soon find that you have a floor covered in items of clothing and papers and odd bits and bobs. Or the sink and kitchen counters are covered with pots, pans, plates, cutlery, cups, wrappers, and food remains. The article left is like an invitation to leave others. The synergy effect is 1 person leaves one plate but 2 leave 5 and 4 leave 25.

You leave one item thinking ‘I’ll get it later, I’m in a hurry at the moment’. Everyone else looks at the item and thinks, ‘what! I’m not picking that up or washing that. It isn’t my mess.’ So they leave their items and it compounds into a pile of work that no one wants to take on. When asked, they’ll say, ‘why should I? I didn’t make that mess!’

The negative effect is no one wants to face the chore and the tedium of cleaning or organising the mess. The mess can multiple very quickly as the number of family members increase. Leave one room like this and it quickly spreads like a plague to all the other rooms in the house. The end effect can be raving parents and unhappy children all due to synergy. Good practise as they say on some work sites would be to deal with the first stray bit before it develops a life of its own, multiplying and taking over the whole house.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Words

13/12/2012

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Unexpectedly this Sunday I was privileged to be at a meeting where a group of ladies from a home for recovery from drug and alcohol addictions danced and spoke about their lives. I was amazed at how frankly honest they were about what led up to their addiction and their recovery. They shared about their trials, their attempts to get free, their failures and their successes. I was deeply moved by each individual’s story.

One woman told us that she had been told repeatedly from a small girl that she was ugly. On top of that her abuser told her not only was she ugly but that this was all she was good for. From there it was a spiral downwards accelerated by this massive sense of worthlessness. In her late 30s she was now finding a sense of self-worth and personal acceptance but those words were still stinging in her ears. When she shared this, tears came to my eyes as I felt her pain and anguish. I wanted to roar at the top of my lungs: “No little girl should ever hear those words!” I thought of my own lovely daughters with the bows and ribbons in their hair, the frilly lacy dresses and fancy shoes twirling about the house basking in daddy’s approval for they were his princesses.

It is hard to believe the devastation that is wrought through one word. It doesn’t have to be the word “ugly”. That’s only one of many negative and life-sapping words. “You can’t do it” or “you’re a pain” or “you’ll always be a failure” or “don’t be stupid” are words full of devastation. These words can be carelessly tossed out, said in what is supposed to be humour or spoken with hatred or deep-seated resentment. No matter what the motive the wound is just as deep. They work like viruses of the soul, weakening the confidence and hope, multiplying until the soul is overwhelmed with weakness and despair. The drugs or alcohol are all escape mechanisms. If I can’t hear it anymore, if it’s all blurred, if I’m wasted, then I find some relief from the pain and torment.

I’m not a counsellor or drug and alcohol therapist. I just know the power of negative words. My self-worth was hammered consistently throughout my school years until I was desperate for success and despairing that it wouldn’t happen. I wasn’t physically abused but I had my share of verbal abuse. No matter how well I did in school I couldn’t please the most important man on earth. I learned to build different protection mechanisms to cope with life. Maybe if I hadn’t met Bonnie, I would have ended up there. I am so thankful that someone who knew the power of words came into my life. Out of her mouth flowed words of affirmation and love, a true testimony to her upbringing for you can’t give what you haven’t received. It takes many more positive words to undo the effect of one negative.

As parents we can shape a life so easily one way or the other through the power of our words. We are writing the future of our children upon their souls with the words we most consistently say to them. We can write greatness starting with three simple words – I love you!
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Excited?

21/9/2012

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My son and his wife recently bought a new home. I was taking care of their son for the day, as he was sick enough not to go to school but not too sick to infect me. I was trying to make conversation with him as we drove along doing errands.

I asked him if he was excited about moving to their new home. He wrinkled his brow and very concernedly said, “No!” I was surprised so asked him why he wasn’t excited. He said, ‘I’m really concerned about the packing.’ I was now shocked as he’s only 6. I said, ‘The packing?’ He said, ‘Yes, like we have all these open alcohol bottles and they might leak in the box. We need to get tin foil for the bottom of the boxes so if they leak the bottom won’t give way and the bottles fall and smash.’ You know I had never thought of that possibility before and I have moved often.

What’s up with that? He’s 6 and worried about the packing of the house. I used to wonder if my parents were aliens when I was growing up. Now I wonder if my grandchildren are.

Are you sometimes surprised by who your children are? Bonnie, who is visiting her parents at the moment, said her 90-year-old father is wondering how she got into the family because she refuses to eat breakfast first thing in the morning when she gets up. Our youngest daughter used to be so very different from the other three. She spent much more time imagining than they did. Maybe it was due to the fact that she was at home when they all were at school.

A friend once said that the German people had a saying, which roughly translated into English is: “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” So when we look at our children and grandchildren we are seeing reflections of ourselves. With my grandson and his concern for practical things I can see a reflection of my son, his father. His father used to say as a little boy ‘that’s my problem!’ He could see all the practical problems that each course of action had. If we were going to do something as a family, he would always have some insight as to what could go wrong. We’d have to reassure him it was ok to do what we had planned even if it might possibly go wrong. Occasionally it did, probably often enough to feed this ability within him.

Since my parents are long gone I have no one to ask if I was the same way when I was young. (Most likely comes from their mother’s side of the family) I may have been the same as them but as an adult I like to spin this odd characteristic into a gift from God called “strategic thinking”.

The key to such unusual gifts in our children and their children is to see the positive qualities and strengths of them. Once you have you can encourage a natural gift to develop into a character strength. (Our son uses this ability as an engineer to save his company from many extra costs. Maybe his son will end up the same, who knows?)
(image supplied courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Listen Up!

17/2/2012

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What do you do when things seem to be getting out of hand? We were visiting friends recently when verbal chaos broke out. One child was asking one thing, another wanted to know who was picking them up, Mom was asking if Dad needed the car, in all 6 people were talking at once. The father couldn’t keep up to it all so called for silence. One thing at a time was his suggestion and they sorted it all out. But I have been in homes where it keeps whirling around like a dust devil, gaining more and more momentum all the time. One of the characteristics that seems common at those times is no one is listening to what is being said but no one is shutting up.

Do you realise what you are saying at these times? Do you listen to the words that are coming out of your mouth anymore than your children do?

In these situations some of the things said are not really helpful. Parents, especially, may say some thoughtless and hurtful things without understanding how deeply the children respond to what is said to them. Your words can bring life or death to another. You will also get what you say. It’s like seed thrown upon the ground. Your words will produce in the soil of the children’s hearts what you are sowing.

When bedtime or dinnertime is getting out of hand, Mom, Dad, you’re the leader. You need to get the situation calmed down and sanity restored. Don’t just shout because nothing changes. Stop! Call everyone to stop and then address each person one at a time.

You may be shouting to get the children to stop shouting. You may be shouting nasty comments in trying to correct your children from saying nasty things one to another. Your nasty comments about what someone is doing will have an effect that you probably never want to happen. Words are like air freshener spray cans. Once you spray it out you can’t get it back in the can. The effect is there for everyone to absorb.

But you more than likely are aware that what you have at bedtime or mealtimes is not what you really want. You need to stop, listen, and act. Stop stirring the pot with your own comments and shouting. Listen to what is happening around you. And then act accordingly! Use a soft voice to get attention. Do not raise your voice and expect the children to do otherwise. You are the model they are imitating. You may like chaos but it will only escalate and escalate, as the children get bigger.

Be the leader in the family by showing the way like the father I told you about in the introduction. Don’t keep letting things get out of hand. You are the only one in the family who can change things. Your children are following your lead.

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Are You Listening?

Passing of the Baton

Defaulting

Love x 5

Good Children Don't Just Happen

Valuing Life

Synergy

Words

Excited?

Listen Up!

Jim Inkster

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