
Why do we need this change of perspective? Well, the problem we all face is our incredible ability to adapt to uncomfortable situations. Once we have adapted we no longer see or feel the discomfort the same way. Human beings have adapted to living in the harshest environments and survived, so they can certainly adapt to the extremes of behaviour in a family environment.
We moved into one house that had the most horrible kitchen that either my wife or I had ever seen before. It had one window in the eating area that was positioned so far up the wall that the only one who could see out of it was me. I am 6’ 1’ and could barely see over the ledge. Then the kitchen was painted the most disgusting puke green that I have ever seen. As we were moving furniture in we said the first thing we would do is paint the kitchen. While it didn’t happen immediately for various reasons and soon I never noticed how awful the colour was. In less than two weeks we had adapted to something we could barely stand to be in before. After a time you stop seeing what is there. You adapt and make the best of what initially frustrated you.
It can be the same way with family dynamics. You get used to saying the same thing over and over again. You no longer hear how loudly the children are yelling. You tolerate the back talk and verbal abuse. You raise your voice and shout at them without realising you are doing it. They argue and fight with each other and you think its normal. Every once in a while there are these moments when you hear the children mimicking you. They put their hands on their hips, feet apart, look at their little brother or sister and shout orders at them. You think where did they get that? Then it sinks in, oh my gosh, its me!
That kind of moment is what you need if you are going to make a difference in your family dynamics. You need to become aloof enough that you can see what is actually happening and then write it down. Don’t let it escape by thinking I’ll put it down later or you’ll miss it. Better yet take the luxury of some time alone or with your partner and contemplate what is going on at home, what drives you crazy but you’ve learned to tolerate it, what is happening that you never wanted to see happen in your home. This is the beginning of change. Until you know what needs to change nothing will.
(image courtesy of JamesBarker/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)