Before you can bring change you need to decide what has to change.  You may have a general sense that says this chaos has to go and yet not be able to put your finger on what to change that will make a difference.  What we need to do is get a fresh perspective on our family scene.  We need to remove ourselves from being in the midst of it so that we can see it as an outsider would. 

Why do we need this change of perspective? Well, the problem we all face is our incredible ability to adapt to uncomfortable situations.  Once we have adapted we no longer see or feel the discomfort the same way.  Human beings have adapted to living in the harshest environments and survived, so they can certainly adapt to the extremes of behaviour in a family environment. 

We moved into one house that had the most horrible kitchen that either my wife or I had ever seen before.  It had one window in the eating area that was positioned so far up the wall that the only one who could see out of it was me.  I am 6’ 1’ and could barely see over the ledge.  Then the kitchen was painted the most disgusting puke green that I have ever seen.  As we were moving furniture in we said the first thing we would do is paint the kitchen.  While it didn’t happen immediately for various reasons and soon I never noticed how awful the colour was.  In less than two weeks we had adapted to something we could barely stand to be in before.  After a time you stop seeing what is there.  You adapt and make the best of what initially frustrated you.

It can be the same way with family dynamics.  You get used to saying the same thing over and over again.  You no longer hear how loudly the children are yelling.  You tolerate the back talk and verbal abuse.  You raise your voice and shout at them without realising you are doing it.  They argue and fight with each other and you think its normal.  Every once in a while there are these moments when you hear the children mimicking you.  They put their hands on their hips, feet apart, look at their little brother or sister and shout orders at them.  You think where did they get that?  Then it sinks in, oh my gosh, its me! 

That kind of moment is what you need if you are going to make a difference in your family dynamics.  You need to become aloof enough that you can see what is actually happening and then write it down.  Don’t let it escape by thinking I’ll put it down later or you’ll miss it.  Better yet take the luxury of some time alone or with your partner and contemplate what is going on at home, what drives you crazy but you’ve learned to tolerate it, what is happening that you never wanted to see happen in your home.  This is the beginning of change.  Until you know what needs to change nothing will.


(image courtesy of JamesBarker/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

How are you doing?  Have you entered into the Christmas Spirit yet?  Has the snow enhanced it?  Or the advertising intensified your concern?

Today we were accosted by a driver who in the spirit of Christmas blasted his car horn and shook his fist at us while speeding into the parking lot of the shopping mall.  Bless you too!  How does something so wonderful become such a source of aggravation?

We sing peace on earth good will towards men while we curse them for walking too slowly or driving the speed limit.  John Lennon’s song, So This Is Christmas, is about stopping war, yet this seems to be the very thing it creates on a very personal level. 

The emphasis through the media is happiness, joy, family and warmth of relationship.  What is the reality?  Are we happy?  Does this time foster joy?  Is it a great time of family and closeness of relationship?  In many cases it is and that’s why we put up with the commercial trappings.  But for some people it is a huge disappointment.  The hopes spurred on by the media only exaggerate what isn’t there.

The first year I was a minister in a church I was so surprised by the number of parishioners who called for appointments after Christmas.  Their main problem was overwhelming disappointment with their family at Christmas.  The snide comments from their father were even more hurtful over the holidays.  Their mother’s control issues were right in their face.  Their hope for blessing a loved one with a well-chosen gift failed.  The lack of gratitude for all the effort expended to create a special Christmas day saddened them. 

The two weeks after Christmas became a time of facing reality within people’s families.  Some prayed and forgave, others continued to labour under the unfulfilled expectations of family, and still others made significant changes to their Christmas plans for the future.  We are the only ones who can create a Christmas that truly satisfies our hearts.  We can only change our attitude and expectations. 

An attitude of gratitude for what we do have goes a long way towards truly enjoying the season of peace on earth and good will to mankind.
(image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Do you have a strong willed child?  One who says no to everything you ask them to do?  Does your child fight you on going to bed or other things? 

Are you tired of fighting them?  Are you at a loss of what to do next?

Have you considered giving them a choice?  Instead of telling them what to do and initiating the fight why not give them well-selected choices.  We used to say to the children you can go outside or you can go to your room and read.  What do you want to do? 

Very recently I heard of a mother who was so tired of fighting their little boy over going to bed she just didn’t know what to do.  A friend suggested giving him a choice.  So she said to him at bedtime, ‘Do you want to run upstairs for bed or do you want me to give you a piggyback instead?’  He immediately said ‘piggyback ride”, jumped on her back and went happily to bed.  His mother was so surprised that something so easy worked so well.

It’s actually good practise.  You are training them to make good decisions.  If they can’t decide for themselves whether they will have a fish burger or a chicken burger or to go outside or stay inside, how will they make more serious decisions when they get bigger.  We had 4 children, one who knew instantly what she wanted to eat, the others um-ed and aw-ed for awhile before they finally decided.  It was at times painfully slow but they learned to ask for what they wanted.  Small decisions are the basis for learning to make more significant ones.

Coaching works on this principle.  People will follow through on what they decide to do.  You can offer excellent suggestions and advice to someone but unless it is their idea they won’t follow through.  So it is with children too.  If you give them some options to choose from, they will happily follow through on their choice.

Why not give it a try?
(image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

When I trained to be a teacher a number of the professors emphasized over and over again that yelling at the students would lose its effectiveness if used too often.  The students are no longer shocked by the raised voice.  It becomes the norm and they simply ignore it.  While if this happens in school, it will happen at home too.

Do you feel your children are ignoring your requests?  Do you feel frustrated?  Could it be you have numbed them to your voice by yelling too much?  What do you sound like?  What do your kids sound like?  Why don’t you try recording your family interaction either with a video or audio device?  We all have phones now that can do both.  You might be surprised at how often you raise your voice in regard to talking to your children.  If your children yell often, you have an indicator of what you are doing.  Where would they have learned it?  Who modelled it for them?

Volume rarely motivates action.  Most of the time a small, still voice will be more effective.  They need to quieten down to hear you.  Initially it may not happen but if you speak softly and carry out your words they will tune in to what you are saying.  If you quietly say ‘stop colouring there’ and there is no response, then remove the crayons, move them to another spot and redirect their activity.  If you say ‘it is time to get off the computer’ and they ignore you, then go to the computer and shut it down.  If you say ‘time for bed, go get your pyjamas on’ and they don’t, then take them by the hand to their room and help them change.  Sure they may kick up a fuss but don’t give in.  The longer you have yelled at them without any consequences the longer it will take to change a habit.  Consistency is a parent’s best friend. 

You may not like the effort it takes to be consistent in changing from a loud yell to a soft voice but it was consistently using a loud voice that got you into this place.  Consistency works to reinforce either good or poor behaviour.  Use it to effectively bring about positive change.

Do you want change?  Are you tired of their unresponsiveness?  Frustrated?  Well, we need to look at the things we can change that will bring a positive response.  Only we can do that.
(image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Do you ever feel like you need to put one hand over your child or spouse’s ear to make sure what you are saying doesn’t simply pass right through?  They may be saying ‘yah, yah!’ but did they really hear you?  Are they conscious of what you just said?

A couple of weeks ago my grandson was buttering his toast in the kitchen while his father was speaking at him from upstairs.  I was in the kitchen too and could hear what his dad was saying.  My grandson just kept working on his toast and said to anyone close who was listening: “Blah, blah, blah!”  He verbalised what so many of us are thinking inside while our parent or spouse is rabbiting on about something to us.

Effective communication involves active listening and clear understanding.  Bonnie and I recently moved from a small cottage home with two bedrooms upstairs.  The house was so small that you could talk to each other with one person in the kitchen and the other in the living room.  It was fun but occasionally Bonnie would push the limits.  I could hear her upstairs in one of the bedrooms talking at me but I couldn’t distinguish what she was saying.  The sound waves had to travel out of the bedroom through a doorway down a stairwell through the room it was in through another doorway across the hall and through the door into the lounge.  It didn’t quite make it.  I was listening to her but I just couldn’t make out what she was saying.

To know you have been heard you need to be looking at the person, preferably into their eyes so they know you are talking to them, and you need some feedback.  What did you hear me say?  Ask questions to know there is clarity of understanding.  Once there is feedback you can continue to converse without eye to eye contact.  Their responses should assure you that they are listening.

Some times we natter at others.  We just want to express our frustration or cynicism to them.  We can state over and over again the obvious.  It may be giving us some release from tension but if we do it too often it guarantees people will blank you out.  I know I do this.  I know they aren’t listening but there is something in me that just needs to say it.  Yadda, yadda, yadda! 

If what you have to say is important, remember to make eye contact and ask for some feedback.  It’s the only way to know you truly are communicating.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

The other day we were driving with Bonnie’s parents to buy pears from an orchard shop.  Her mom was giving me directions.  She said, ‘Make sure when you turn the corner to stay to the inside lane’.  Having spent 13 years in England I wasn’t sure what a Canadian meant by the “inside lane” any more.  I asked which lane was she talking about.  She got exasperated because I think she thought it was her crazy son in-law trying to be funny.  So she re-emphasised the words “stay to the inside lane”.  At which point I asked Bonnie to intervene.

You see in England the inside lane is the lane closest to the edge of the road not the one closest to the middle of the road.  In Canada the inside lane is the one closest to the middle of the road.  I really didn’t know which lane she wanted me in until we got this figured out.  Amazing considering we are speaking the same language!

How much does this happen within relationships?  Mom thought she had made herself perfectly clear.  I was completely unsure which lane she wanted.  How about you and your partner?  Are you speaking the same language?  Are you discussing issues or the behaviour of the children but not really understanding what the other person is saying?  Are you assuming that if you understand they understand?

We can hear words clearly spoken to us and totally misinterpret them.  In Chapter 16, Team Sport, of 24 Secrets to Great Parenting Bonnie and I found this to be the case.  “When we first got married, Bonnie would tell me something broke. I would say, “Call a repairman”. Even though she heard me she heard it through her filter of “Dad always fixes things”. She wouldn’t call anyone. I would ask several days later if it was fixed. She would say, “Oh, you fixed it”. My response was, “No, I thought you were calling someone to do it”. We had to discuss our expectations and correct them, as we were now a new family.” (Page 112-113)

As I explained with my mother in-law we were talking the same language but hearing two different things due to our cultural interpretation of the words.  We bring “family and cultural” interpretations into our relationships.  Have you ever considered that some of the misunderstanding in your relationships could be from this source?  When you discuss your situation together look for clarification of what certain terms mean.  It’s wise to be using the same language to avoid accidents.
(image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Life work balance is a phrase being bantered around in the UK at the moment.  Essentially it is the balance between work, family and recreation.  I found many years ago as a teenager that life was no longer about play but about work and responsibility.  It was about getting ahead in life and prospering financially.  This need to excel in work led to university and a constant pressure to beat the other students in marks and achievements.  We were joining groups, doing activities and sports for the sake of padding out our curriculum vitae (or résumé) to impress future employers.  Gradually the joy of living was being eroded by this expectation to succeed.  Life became very, very serious.

When life becomes very serious, a form of death works in you.  You worry about what you are doing.  You question everything you do.  Did I study enough?  Did I have enough references for that essay?  Did I present well in that interview?  The inevitable effect of worry is a lack of sleep, tiredness, a lack of joy, and fluctuations in weight and body functions.  Mental anguish will manifest physically.

The government cannot legislate a balanced life style for you.  Only you can make a decision to change your life style.  I read a few years ago of a young man who was excelling in the finance arena of the city of London.  He had the Aston Martin, the big house and absolutely no time at all to enjoy them.  He didn’t see his children and missed every special event in their lives.  He and his partner decided enough is enough.  He resigned from his position, they sold the cars and the house, and then they moved to the west of the country where he opened a small painting and decorating business.  He wanted the time with his family.

Even a blog on how to parent your children can potentially take the joy out of having children.  If all you are doing is focusing on how to do everything right to have the best children, you will make it a business and not a family.  The wonderful thing about family is their devotion to each other despite their shortcomings.  Love overlooks many faults and failings.  I could criticize my brothers but don’t you dare try.  Even more dangerous is saying something negative about my children or grandchildren.  Family is never going to be perfect but it should be accepting.

We determined as a couple that whatever we did and wherever we lived we would have fun with our children.  We purposed to have fun.  We planned it; we made it a part of our daily life.  I would come home from work and play with the children.  The photo with the blog is an example of our daily routine.  Jess was 2 and Jared was 5.  They both wanted to play the games we played with the older two.  It didn’t have to be a long time.  Ten minutes to half an hour a day will more than suffice.  It is better to do a little all the time than a lot erratically.  Not only did they feel loved and enjoy the playing it was good for me.  It put life back into proper perspective.  It  also gave me a physical outlet to the stress that had built up during the day.

If you find yourself consumed with concern for the success of your family, it may well be time for you to have some fun with them.  It’s simply healthy for all of you.